do more happy

Yes, yes, I should be working not sneaking another blog post.

But this particular project I am working on has been triggering all my inner alarms. It has even led me directly into an old Evernote entry where I made a first attempt to craft my Life Purpose according to Jack Canfield's Success Principles plus a host of other inspirational books.

My first attempt was true but trying too hard. It was unwieldy.

This time's attempt is clearer and it gave me that feeling of rightness.

And here it is : MY PURPOSE IS TO USE MY CREATIVITY AND IMAGINATION TO INSPIRE PEOPLE WITH STORIES AND IMAGES IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE AN AUTHENTIC LIFE LIVED WITH MEANING AND MAGIC.

And you know what, it starts with the very example of my own life. Which brings me back as to why my inner alarms were sounding so loud. The path that I have been considering is not one that makes me feel happy or fulfilled. My logical mind can argue for its financial benefits but not much else. There is admirable leadership within that path but the day-to-day realities that will impact most on myself, my sanity, my purpose, are where the not-too-happy feeling is coming from.

A dear friend called me up from Indonesia the other day and she has given me a lot of good advice to think about. But one important thing she made me realize is appreciation for the amazingness that is my life right now. It may not pass social standards of a typical successful life but it does pass for the many people who have expressed their desire to be able to do what I did -- to take the captain's wheel of my life and navigate it through a temperamental sea. To be willing to throw so many things overboard. To leave the safe harbor.

It has not been an easy journey. I will admit that there were many many times I considered heading back to shore. 

But then every morning there is a beautiful sun that rises from the horizon, turning the water around me into gold.

it starts and ends with you

You know that experience when you fall so madly in love with a song and you can't stop playing it over and over again and every time it plays it is like the first time you hear it and your heart just explodes all over the place each time and you become just a little bit supernatural, straddling this world and that world where the song is and where a story of your life unfolds like some kind of a fairy tale except you cannot see it clearly yet but you know it's there and that you will get there eventually? It's a song that takes you out of yourself and closer to the place where you have always dreamed to be, as close to kissing the sun without burning, as deep as you dare to dive into the ocean without drowning. All your lethargic dreams are wakened by this song, even the lost ones, the forgotten ones. This song is a call to the core of your spirit. A call to journey and finish what has languished in your life because you became too concerned with what mattered less than what really matters. This song is the anthem to your happily ever after, maybe. If you are brave enough. If you let the song weave the magic through you. You can feel it already. Your body moves of its own accord, your heart beats a rhythm that is familiar and frightening and exhilarating all at the same time, your mind opens up to avenues to thought that were not accessible before. Your soul sings along. If you had special magic glasses you could probably see how the pulsing light of your soul thrums and travels and spreads through the cosmic web, unlocking chapters, touching other sleeping souls, leaving markers. The magic shimmers on your skin (it will call to what is yours), coats the tip of your tongue (be careful what you say), weaves through the veins of your heart (be careful what you wish), and seeps through your dreams at night (find the Dream King).

And I've worn so many faces

Shot my love at fifteen paces

My inheritance is all the thoughts I can't sweep away

I shout out but I just spin faster

I crawl out but my knees are water

I cling on by my nails to the sweet disaster

And I fall to the floor like my strings are cut

Pinch myself but I don't wake up

Spit in the wind 'cause too much is not enough

It starts and ends with you

(Suede, It Starts And Ends With You)

2013: The Year Of True Paths

I woke up very late today because I got home at almost four in the morning. My sister and I spent the first couple of hours of the new year watching Sense And Sensibility and taking good lessons from Jane Austen.

When I got home I was still very much awake and had to read myself to sleep, which meant that it must have been almost five in the morning. In keeping with one of the themes I intend to embrace this new year, I progressed through The Jane Austen Guide To Happily Ever After.

I changed my curtains into a sunshiny polka-dotted piece in the hopes of attracting money energies. At this point, every little bit will help, as far as I am concerned.

In the evening, I dared to spend a little bit of cash to treat my family out to dinner. It has been a long while since we could afford to celebrate by eating out in a nice restaurant. But I figured, it is the new year, and the energies are fresh and hopes are recharged. We went to a place we have not tried but which promised delicious celebratory comfort food. We had traditional dishes of crispy pata and kare-kare with steamed rice. We were served a complimentary basket of crispy delicious cracklings while we waited for the meal to be served.

Before leaving the house for dinner though, I finished a piece that was inspired by a private joke and secret among myself, my sister, and a common girl friend.

When I got home after dinner, I did one last journal page and admired my own handiwork. Love will be taken seriously this year, in all its forms and expressions. I will not be embarrassed by it, nor will I treat it like an afterthought.

2013 will be a Year of True Paths. After the rebirths of the previous year, it is now the time to nurture what have been reborn and rediscovered. To let these, by their nature, invite the right kind of people, opportunities, events, and experiences. The true ones that will nurture my own spirit and happiness. True friends, true loves, true passions. There will certainly be a lot of walking, aching feet, occasionally getting delayed by either hunger or exhaustion, maybe sometimes putting off the forward march by a day (but never more than a day). There may even be some doubling back, because of something forgotten or something missed. A loose end slipping out that must be cut clean. But always, always, it will all end with moving forward, even if it means leaving things and even people behind (like when they don't wish to walk with you nor catch up with you nor carry their own weight in the journey.) 

In moving forward I hope to see new places, meet new people (even if it is seeing the same old people in a new light that will forge deeper relationships), gain beautiful new experiences that will bring new lessons (or new ways of learning old ones). I hope to learn new things, to discover side journeys that will help me grow, and also I hope to be something new and something true to other people. I hope to be a true friend, and when the Universe says it is time, a true love. 

What true path will you be walking this year?

a catch-up and then off i go

Hello! I must say that life has taken some subtle but significant turns for me these past couple of weeks. Most of it were triggered by me and my decisions to take charge of my life and to pull myself out of unhelpful default modes.

I am glad to say that I have overhauled the foundations of my life (I even took a two-day personal retreat to really ponder and plan on things) and while the house isn't finished, I know that I am standing on solid ground. I will write more about this particular journey in my next posts but for now I would like to share the peace of mind I have gained in simply making decisions and taking time to have clear strategies of executing them.

What are the decisions I have made? Many of these will sound so normal or ordinary, and some may even say ask why am I only thinking of these things now? Believe me, I have been plagued by these matters throughout my life but I have just always resorted to band-aid (short-term) solutions -- most of the time I never realized that I was just masking things and not really resolving them.

What made me make the decisions in the first place? Call it metaphysical unease. Call it life dissatisfaction. Call it fears about the future. Call it a hotpot of all plus more (maybe even throw in a scoop of midlife crisis). I found myself generally feeling like I should and could be doing more and making more happen. I also felt that I have not been operating at full potential. There were things I wanted but then I already knew they would not be enough because I used to have them before and my happinesses were often short-lived.

I found myself gravitating towards "inspirational" and "self-help" books that I would not have probably given a second glance before. I found myself re-reading books that once gave me useful directions but are now giving me new, more challenging tasks and at a deeper level. It was both a new experience and also a humbling one to learn/ re-learn the basics of everyday life. I thought I always knew what to do and most importantly I thought I always knew what I wanted. Maybe I did but I had forgotten quite early in my life, especially when society applauded me so much for being such a team player for doing what was expected and retail therapy masqueraded as my best friend.

So what decisions have I made?  I decided on what I really wanted. Without guilt. Without fears. I matched that with my desire for everlastingness -- my mark in the world, how I want to be remembered when I die. Surely I do not want a eulogy that goes something like "she was so smart she helped sell a billion packs of fruit juice."

I followed my heart in a meditative journey and we swam through the sludge of my history and past decisions. I encountered moments of epiphanies that fell by the wayside, hit and run casualties by the devil of distraction. I saw beggar dreams from my childhood hungry and ignored looking up at me expectantly. I saw the gravestones of lost opportunities, massacred by fear. I saw a wasteland choked with procrastination, discouragement, regret, distrust, anger. And fear. So much of the stuff is floating around, cloaked in so many colors and called by so many names.

But my heart knows what it wants and all I had to do was listen to it. And I must not judge it. And I must let go of my fears. I must not say "That's ridiculous, it's too difficult to do! It's not going to happen" or "Is that even possible?" or the worst of all "But what would other people say?"

So we mapped my history, rescued some dreams, cleaned up as best we could. We made note of what could still be changed and made peace with what could not. The hardest part was self-forgiveness. My heart did most of that. My mind was all sharp logic and skepticism.

Then we took out a fresh new piece of blank paper. This time, for the first time, I let my heart handle the cartography of my present and my future. So much unfamiliar territory yet also so much of what's familiar with new paths. So many tasks and challenges. So many commitments. So much faith required. And yet, I find myself starting to feel... better. So much better. And more certain. Clarity and purpose that are true to one's nature and attuned to one's heart are blessed things to have.

So that's where I am right now and what's been filling up my days on top of, beneath, and through the daily (new and improved) routines. No roller-coaster rides like the fleeting feelings of falling in love. Instead, a lively-enough pace that fills me with serenity, gratitude, and sprinkles of (rediscovered) magic.

Have a great day everyone!

after every storm

I did my Client presentation this morning, the fruit of hard mental labor and sleepless nights. I wore happy shoes to boost my energy.

happy shoes from our little shop. we're making and selling more this month! :)

Every time, without fail, I come home and I am wobbling with exhaustion and I would crawl to bed, sleep for a few hours troubled by displaced dreams, then wake up ravenously hungry and starting to feel really ill.

As of this moment I am experiencing all the signs of an oncoming fever : the too-warm feeling behind my eyes, the ache in the throat when swallowing, the too-sensitive feeling on the skin, the body aches, the slightly clogging nose, and of course, the slowly creeping chills and the increased temperature in my breath.

It's like all the adrenaline that has kept me up has suddenly run out or deserted me. And now I will need at least a full day's rest to get back on track.

This pattern has to change. I will break this vicious cycle.

For starters, I have watched myself work for the past week and I saw how an Other Business project in full swing can just sweep everything I have put in place and scatter them into chaos. I have repeatedly tried different ways to fix this but so far nothing has been effective enough. I will resolve this.

I have also experienced a wave of epiphanies as I pushed myself to focus on completing the presentation slides on time. This treasure of insights is motivating me now to fight the fever so I can start doing things to make my creative journey progress better.

My birthday is around the corner in a couple of weeks. I was originally planning to host a small gathering of friends but after my epiphanies I have decided to put the party off and do it later in the year -- still with the birthday occasion but it will also be a re-birthday event, a super perfect thing to do on this Year of Rebirth.

As a reward for completing the recent Other Business project, I subscribed to Indie Business : Compass and I can't wait to start with it. I also purchased Kelly Rae Robert's Flying Lessons: Part One. At some point I am beginning to see the same formula and patterns in what they are all teaching and sharing but what is enlightening is how they do it. Each teacher comes from a unique background and taken together, they  point me to clues regarding my own unique story. Also sometimes, one teacher is better in driving home one point, while another excels in making a particular lesson crystal-clear.

I feel a bit sad about having to miss kendo practice tonight but I will make up for it for the whole 20 days before I leave for Hong Kong. Seriously. Because deep deep deep down inside I do care whether I pass the exam or not. Even when I keep telling other people it doesn't really matter.

I will sign off now. I'm starting to get really headachy. Will have an early night and wake up all brand new tomorrow morning!

Love and hugs to everyone!

last day of toil

Today is the last day of work for the current Other Business project. By tomorrow morning I will be presenting results to Client and then I could take a bit of a breather before facing what's next on my very full calendar. At the very least I will have some time to recuperate and recharge and rethink some things through.

As I worked and half-hallucinated through the past few nights I also came into a few significant realizations about where this life journey is going, or should be going. I got a lot of insights from my sister (she helped keep me awake through Yahoo messenger) and I will work on those insights after I have slept off the exhaustion of today's project. Maybe by Thursday. Those insights should further fine-tune the map I am charting for myself.

Meanwhile here are random snapshots as I spent the past few days imprisoned in my home office.

This morning's hot chocolate. A break from the endless cups of coffee I consumed through the night.

Mogget takes my seat everytime I get up to stretch and walk around the room. The Harmony App (from the Apple App Store)  reminds and forces me to take 2-3 minute breaks every hour.

Once in a while I will work on the bed for a change of scene and Mogget would join me to sleep on the documents I am working on. 

Lists help keep my sanity intact as I write and tick off every detail I need to get done each day. Sometimes it can feel like nothing is moving at all and no progress is being made. Those are the toughest times.

I re-arranged my home to change the feel of my work-space. I was starting to have negative work associations within my own home and I needed to shake it off. This time I pushed the dining table to one side and used it as a working desk instead of using my usual computer desk by the window.

When I am on extremely stressful situations like now, I also somehow gain a certain clarity on what I want and what is important to me. Some things repeat themselves because I have not resolved them. Some things are new as I evolve from previous resolutions. If I am to focus on the things that do go right in every moment, then I will focus on how the past nights have made my life goals sharper. So sharp that if I make a careless move I could cut myself quite deep.

I have watched myself do and not do things, and every small decision is a sign pointing to what I should fix about myself, and also what I should accept about my realities. Then I should pay more attention to what will move me forward in a continuous motion, and what intentions I should declare to myself every chance I can.

Following a path like mine, unhinged from the mainstream track that everyone else is moving on, is a daily challenge and also a daily reward. I just really have to be clear and to be steadfast and to remain faithful in every sense.

How do you get yourself from the start of every day through to the end and still be fully alive, fearless, and hopeful?

busy turning work into play

I have this Other Business. It's actually my first business since I left regular employment and at first I thought that was going to be it forever. Like it was going to be the work that defines me. But as you would have seen in the past few months it will not be the only thing that will take my time and effort, if at all.

However, I also recognize that you cannot (although some will probably say you can) just let go of something you have built from scratch into something significant for sixteen years. There is also the reality that it is what is feeding me and my family right now. And I don't dislike it. It's just that sometimes it reeks too much of work -- the kind that eats up your life and leaves no room for anything else. I went solo to get away from that but then last year taught me that it was not that easy.

So what I tried to do for the whole day yesterday ( and will continue today) is to revisit the plans for the Other Business and to redefine it. I want to integrate it into my now-blooming creative and crafty life instead of allowing it to bully everything else out of the way. In the process it will also help the business acquire a better and stronger identity and purpose, thus be able to also offer better service.

I got a lot of useful help from the book The Right Brain Business Plan -- and I wish I found it two years ago! Its style appealed and resonated with me because of my strong creative side. The questions in the book had me writing non-stop and I filled at least fifty pages of my planning journal in long-hand!

I encountered a few roadblocks though and had to seek the advice of my sister. We talked for a few hours last night to work those out and I got some initial ideas on how to resolve them.

the cover of my planning journal. My Creative Work Matters!

a favorite quote from the book Socrates Cafe by Christopher Phillips

some images and ideas that I'd love to translate into my work

I've always been a National Geographic fan and I've always been inspired by their work - the photography, the writing, the intentions, passions, ---everything. I would like to be able to embody similar values in my business to make it more aligned with how I want to live my life as a whole.

Integrating the business into my creative life and my financial needs and where I want to go was one of the difficult parts. The kind of work I do for the business can be taxing on so many levels so I need to figure out a way so I will not be overwhelmed. I really don't like the feeling of toiling through days just to get to pay the bills!  (Thank God for Good Clients who are great to work with and who appreciate the work.) 

I wish to continue to reform myself because the workaholic sometimes slips back in. I also need to have more trust that good projects will come as needed and there is no need to compromise on my standards (or my fees!) just because I'm worried I might not make it to next month's bills. I want to be able to push for the values and identity that I want my business to have and those are what will help it grow big than if I just subsisted on compromises.

These are some of the fun stuff from the Right Brain book. I'm doing some of them today and the rest will be for over the weekend. So yes I will be busy!

I got this beautiful quote from Twitter this morning:

"If your work is play, you will never get tired. If you make everything a play time, you don't need to work at all!" (Swami Satchidananda)

Have a great work/play day!

as the year counts down to an end

I have to keep seeing the good so that all that is good is what will prevail. Never mind the worries that gnaw at untended corners of my mind (and the difficult-to-answer questions that nibble at my heart). The worries will always be there. The questions will always demand more answers. What is important is that I don't let them overtake and overwhelm me.

My very own hands are rediscovering their power in many many ways. My artist's spirit is stirring, shy still from having been pushed away and hidden like a stolen secret. Lately, the chains of definition that have weighed me down for almost two decades are finally crumbling into rust. I will define myself and I will be true.

My needs and wants have narrowed down to pinpoints of purpose, like constellations that map my journeys. Before, I simply wanted the whole sky, all its vastness and all its depth, because I was afraid that I would not be enough or have enough of anything.

My mind is finding new paths of thought. Recognizing solutions where there were none before. Unraveling stories that were previously just blank pages.

As for love, my heart, the tenderness within my warrior stance, the fairy tale that has been beaten and battered and bruised --- this one I have delegated to fairy godmothers and patron saints and angels.

thoughts after the first shop day

Yesterday was the first bazaar day which we held in our parents' garage. I had my own reservations and doubts as to the level of success we could achieve that day but I was pretty sure about what we wanted to accomplish. We wanted to see if we have something to work on in terms of a theme and an idea, and if the customers (the ones we hoped to attract) will pick up on it, and we also wanted to learn how else we can fine-tune everything. While we didn't make much in terms of actual sales, our first day taught us tons of good lessons (as well as confirmed or resolved some thoughts we were not sure about) and we were actually pleased and happy as we closed shop by the end of the day.

Tending shop is hard work - occasional refreshments are needed.

My family has been doing regular garage sales since I left my job more than a year ago to help augment the monthly income. Those garage sales were rough, functional, turn-things-into-cash kind of setups. It attracted its own kind of customers. We knew that the same customers will be the first to take a peek at the bazaar and we still had some items for them but we knew that generally they would most likely be disappointed. But we wanted to evolve beyond just a garage sale. We want a theme. We want creativity. We want to be more than just an occasional seller of cheap used goods. We want to bring life into what used to be a purely functional activity. We want a story. When that story is complete I will write about it in better detail but for now we are basically testing the waters.

Interestingly, even with the bright low prices, the garage sale customers (mostly female) were hesitant to explore. Even more interesting, we had more male customers drawn in compared to previous garage sales.

After the initial volume of garage sale customers (who mostly didn't buy anything and judged the whole bazaar with a few sweeping scans from the gate), everything slowed down to a trickle. However there were two or three customers closer to the type we wanted to attract. One bought lots of dresses without fussing and haggling. The other two browsed all the interesting items and conversed and openly admired the redesigned bags (finally someone noticed!). These two expressed intentions of dropping by again on Sunday.

Then it rained during lunch break just as we were hoping for the employees in the surrounding streets to drop by after their lunch. The rain didn't let up until 2PM. A lot of people passed by but they were huddled inside their umbrellas and walking too fast and not even looking anywhere else but ahead.

We had to move some items  out of the rain which messed up our display arrangements a bit. But people were not really looking so I guess it didn't really matter.

After raining for the whole of the lunch break period, the sun came out. The street was empty and quiet, as empty and quiet as our bazaar, which actually made us want to take a nap and eat merienda.

Rice cakes for merienda. Delicious and filling at only Php5 per piece.

And this is how I passed the time especially since we had a lot of it in our hands. The last time I did crochet was in high school. Was happy to find out it's like riding a bike, you never forget (although I have never actually ridden a bike).

My sister passed the time by sewing pretty things on my plain brown shoes. Customers who dropped in asked about the shoes if they were for sale. Even the males!

We closed shop at 6PM with barely enough to cover the transportation expenses we spent the past couple of weeks just putting the whole thing together.

Normally I would be saddened and discouraged by a day like this. but for some reason I remained optimistic and even excited by all the things that I learned and realized as I observed the customers and the shop dynamics. I scribbled ideas in a notepad, things to consider for the other days of the bazaar (December 4, 16 and 19).

I am also still inspired by the original idea from which this whole bazaar thing sprung from (something I will write about more when it is more a reality than just an idea). As thoughts popped in my head as I made my observations, it also became clearer to me what matters and what is really important. All those years of brand work and strategic sessions and consumer insight projects are probably finally becoming even more real to me. Not only that, I am also discovering interesting new twists and perspective in the usual marketing mix.

Today I am recovering from the exhaustion of the past week and recharging myself for another shop day on Sunday. I am eager to try out a few new things.

One last thing before I sign off on this post: the last couple of weeks of work I did preparing, creating, problem-solving, doing lots of legwork, physical setting up, designing, learning, and everything else has been comparable to a nationwide in-depth consumer research project topped off with a few more layers of midnight work marathons. But I felt infinitely happier and more satisfied at the end of each day, especially as my hands touch each hand-sewn flower or lace trimming, or as I wash my hands gray from sifting through thrift items. My hands, bone-tired and crusty with glue or cramped from so much writing or criss-crossed with thread cuts or mapped with needle punctures. Everything feels real. Yet everything also feels rooted in that realm of soul where I could not enter before. This is no longer just about mental prowess or intelligence or those stuff that fill up an annual evaluation form. This is about heart. This is about spirit. I will be dramatic and say I believe my life's purpose is peeking around the next corner. I hope and pray that I am able to stay on this path even as I have to fulfill financial responsibilities and obligations. Dear Universe, I request for aid and thank you for everything.

butterflies, roses and feathers

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday and last night. I caught a glimpse of the light at the end of this very long tunnel. This morning when I did my morning pages and morning sketches, I also prayed. I asked for guidance, signs, messages. But being quite occasionally dense I asked that I be given signs through butterflies, roses, and feathers. I promised to pay attention and to listen and to do everything on my part. I want to keep moving forward, to totally pull myself out of this slow quicksand of delays and distractions.

Already I am beginning to feel better. Less heavy. Less burdened. There are many thing going on in my life right now that require patience and love. I didn't realize I had grown hunchbacked trying to carry it all.  Now I know. And I also know that there are other many other ways to keep myself walking forward.

creative status : will start something.

I've been yapping about getting creative and crafty since October but I feel that I have progressed very little and have barely scratched the surface of things.

I have completed Holly Becker's BYW class -- that's a big something at least -- and have greatly improved how my blog works (in my humble opinion). Some noteworthy items : 1) photography quality, editing, size, and layouts 2) font types and sizes 3) color schemes 4) blog header 5) social networks 6) weekly features 7) more consistent voice (I think) 8) special features such as my life list and twelve by 2012.

Today I intend to start on my creative journals. I discovered though that I had disposed of a lot of my materials when I went on a series of cleaning and clutter-clearing frenzies a few months back. I only have a very small handful of magazines and art materials available, but I will make a start with them and see how it goes.

Meanwhile, here are some snapshots from the old journals I have made through the years.

I missed making these! I could spend hours happily putting stuff together. I have also found this activity very therapeutic and it has actually helped me process my thoughts. :)

a few questions

If so many things have been causing you too many delays, what do you make of it? How do you deal with the frustration and exhaustion? Just how many deep breaths can you do before you just yell your heart out?

Just curious.

*takes deep breath*

i'm back!

Lots of catching up and story-telling to do! But I have to sleep first and then it will be a busy long day when I wake up! Let me sign off with a quick shot of a piece of Hong Kong that I have experienced:

a good morning

Suddenly there are projects happening. So my November bills should be safe and taken care of.

Meanwhile I am sticking to my resolution to manage my time wisely so I will be fair to everything that needs to be done. Especially preparing for the December sale. It's such a challenge since my sister and I are practically starting from scratch!

But somehow I can also feel that it will all turn out fine. It always does. Especially when you least expect it. So I try not be worrying obsessively about the "how". Everything in its own perfect time.

beginnings

About a couple of weeks ago, I decided (and realized) that I can, and should, pursue more than one job. For one thing, the business I am running now is still very much my old life with a few modifications. If I really want to try and do something really different and new I should ease out a bit from that comfort zone. At the same time, I should pay more attention to what makes me happy and excited to work on every day.

I have fallen in love with vintage and the idea of domestic bliss. Add to that a layer of being more earth-conscious. The whole thing put together paints a picture that is almost an antithesis of what I have been doing for the past sixteen years. It  was a difficult thought for me to grasp because I do not do very well with transitions. I like and welcome change but the journey from A to B tends to pain me a lot.

So two or three weeks ago I had a talk with my sister and we mapped out our lives and our hearts. We were both surprised at what we discovered and what we had to accept, and therefore what we have to take action for if we are to lead fulfilled lives and not waste our time.

One result of that is the decision to slowly build a small shop of pretty things (handmade/recycled/repurposed) and vintage. We will try out the whole concept in a garage sale-type set up on the first of December. Then we will work out the kinks and test drive it again about a month or two after. We will do this until we work out the formula and then we officially launch. Now all we need is a bit more capital. Plus a lot of research and studying.

Meanwhile, with the initial cash we have put aside we have started buying inventory and collecting raw materials. Lots of hard work and leg work! But at the end of a really tiring day the feeling of satisfaction I feel is fresh and different. It was a bit of a revelation. I thought I was set for the past sixteen years. I realize I was not.

Yesterday I stumbled into a midnight sale at the mall and was able to get a cheap clothes rack. When I got home my sister and I eagerly hung our first few pieces and imagined a happy future.

I even got some music to play in the shop ^_^

 

"let your vision of success evolve"

The above is what I opened into in Joseph Cardillo's book, Bow To Life: 365 Secrets From The Martial Arts For Daily Life. My sister and I both have the book and read a passage a day. We are hoping it will help us in both our kendo practice and also how what we learn from kendo can translate in our day-to-day.

My sister reads the passages in chronological order. I am more of the random page opener.

Here are some key thoughts that struck me: that discovering the self and living to our full potential is a never-ending journey. We flow through stages and levels, but as this happens, our desires also shift to bigger goals. For example, from just wanting to set up a business, to making that business flourish, to being considered an expert in that business.

Our measures or ideas of success change through time. Our job is to keep on creating, to always be aware of where we are at any point and be conscious of taking ourselves to the next level. Of course this is not meant in an ambitious, obsessive kind of way but in a way that develops us as whole people, not just as career persons, or as artists, or as parents for instance. In every stage we see where we can grow and we expand that way, most often following where our heart leads us. This is not just about the rational mainstream leveling up that we see often portrayed in movies or even in the values inculcated in us since childhood - getting promoted, progressing from singlehood to marriage, having kids in a year or two after the wedding, etc. Practicality is part of it but also is spirituality. How we grow inside not just outside is an integral part of our own success.

I think about where I am now and how some people may view my career situation as a step back. That is their definition. That is probably their measure of success. But from my own perspective, I have achieved something important - breaking out of my comfort zones and paying attention to the other aspects of me that have been neglected through the years and listening to the calling of previously dormant passions.

In my kendo practice I realize that how other people measure success in the dojo does not have to be the same as mine. I will define my practice and if it teaches me patience and perseverance and discipline then I will think myself a success even if I don't get praised or singled out or given special care and attention. Even if I am told in so many subtle and un-subtle ways that I am not "catching up" or "doing as well as". This is not an easy thing to do because we have been brought up in a context of competition and measuring ourselves against what people say and think. But slowly I am managing to just see what is essential to me in my practice and everything else will just be a backdrop to what is important for me to achieve.

very early tuesday

It's half past one in the morning. I just finished my second long writing assignment and I feel satisfied. Normally I would only feel a slight relief that it was done. But since the workshop with my sister I have begun to see things and situations from a different perspective. What I accomplished yesterday is more than a list of to-dos or obligations. What I did was move steps closer to the life I want. Every day is a chapter in a journey. From simply getting through a day I have shifted focus and instead I think about growing through each day and progressing through a bigger Story.

My hands ache from so much writing. There are a few chores left undone. But I will go to bed and sleep without fussing over tasks that did not get the check mark. There are more to do when I wake up. But not before a hearty breakfast.

Good night.

brave

if i were wise as people think, i would stop
and cut ties now, while all our
soul-threads are still fine and like
spider-webs crisscrossing between us.
already there are spots getting 
tighter and denser, when i move
i can already feel you on the other end.


if i were kind to myself i would start
walking away, while distance can still
heal whatever gaping wound your absence
will tear upon me, while the memories
to be emptied are still in mangeable bundles,
easily buried in practical things
like work and obligations


if i were strong i would simply grit my teeth
and let it pass, this nausea of the heart,
because something posing as love has tickled its throat,
but i have tasted this before, sweet, sickening,
and false--- because it leaves me feeling
even more hungry and empty,
and starved.


but i am only brave
so instead i will tell you what my soul says
despite its folly, and its cruelty
and its weakness;
and then i will not run away
so you will not have to be
anything.

~~~~~~~~~

This is something I wrote on the edge of a breaking heart sometime in 2001. I found a copy of it pasted on the back cover of an old journal as I was clearing space for my craft materials. I miss those days when I could write poems like a mad raging river flowing to the sea. My inspirations then were different and my needs were always too big and too grand for me.

I would one day like to publish a small book of poetry. It has been an old dream of mine, back when there were more people actually reading poetry. I once went to a poetry reading in a bookshop in 2000. A young woman who was by then a professional feature writer with her own cult following approached me and asked for a copy of my poem which I had read at the event (with barely controlled nervous trembling). Then she asked me to sign the copy. As if she was insuring that in case I get published and became popular in the future she would have something of me when I was nothing. It was a sweet gesture I think.