something new

A new blog that evolves from this one -- more exploratory and also more specific themes: writing, making art, following one's bliss, daily life lessons, among others.

There are also new works posted in my art blog:

a sunday of substance

Yesterday was a great day.

I have been excited for yesterday since I set that meeting with my bookseller friend. I have not seen him for a while and the books I have ordered have been languishing in his inventory for months. I was at the tail-end of a project and a fieldwork and thought I deserved a reward of some kind for being still alive. What better way than finally getting my old orders and paying up and maybe adding a couple new books to the package?

My friend sells good quality second-hand books which I absolutely love. Pre-owned books carrying a history of their own. Yellowed pages, old editions, rare hard-bounds. And that lovely old-book smell. He also sells notebooks – Moleskine and Field Notes and Fashionary. Yes, a dangerous combination for a writer/artist like me.

So I set up a meeting and I was fired up all week looking forward to it.

Layer on the discovery that Before Midnight opened in cinemas in July 10. Marvelous! The theme movie of my generation! If I had to name a mythology of romance for my generation it would be that trilogy. So I set Sunday afternoon for watching it with my sister, while also setting a couple of evenings beforehand to watch the first two movies.

Sunday arrived and I was like a child about to go on a field trip to Disneyland. Well I was. My own kind of Disneyland.

I met my bookseller friend in a cafe. He was late and I was too early. Which was perfect because I intended to get some writing done. I haven't written in a cafe for a long time, and it was such a glorious sunny morning, the cafe was half-empty, and there was this vintage jazzy music playing in the background. The other customers were quiet oldish people, not the usual crowd of noisy young things. Needless to say I felt right at home.

I took out my last Moleskine notebook (I have run out of stock) to write. I just have to say, I caught myself smiling many times at the sheer joy of the moment. In the past week there were little events that somehow perfected the trajectory of my life and I can feel the effect of it. Finding myself in that perfect spot on that perfect Sunday morning, I recognized the wisdom of the Universe and its infinite magic leading me to where I was. Most likely it was also where I needed to be. 

My dear friend arrived bearing my joys. Like a midyear Santa. A heavy bag of books and a heavy bag of Moleskine. He also brought a few vintage books I might be interested in (I was) and those were added to my loot.

I love vintage and old things, especially books. Look, this one survive through the war!

It was time to replenish my stocks. I am halfway through my last ruled Moleskine.

Then followed the kind of conversation that lifted one's spirits and refreshed one's faith in people and the world. Discussions about books, life decisions, the quality of paper, being independent, ideas and insights for improving our respective businesses, astronomy and mathematics, finding niches. An equal exchange without reservations or agenda, a connection that was effortless. I had missed it so very much.

We parted at lunchtime. I had a movie to catch. I also found out that another friend was joining me and my sister to the movie. Oh joy!

Before Midnight did not disappoint. I actually want to see it again and savor the words again. I didn't cry. Only almost. That part towards the end.

After the movie we had coffee and pastries at a nearby hotel. This time I was a content observer as my sister and our friend did most of the talking. But it was also one of those conversations that flowed naturally and without fear of misinterpretations or judgements. Then we went to my home to discuss options for framing my art works which I will be selling soon through another friend with a mobile vintage van (Doesn't that sound like a perfect way to start?) There were also some art and book discussions, analysis of men, women, and relationships, and a little history-digging for examples.

Brazo Bombs by The Legend Hotel. They taste like brazo de mercedes magicked into cream puffs. Very delicious!

The evening concluded with a light dinner. I started to feel tired and sleepy a little before ten. The adrenaline rush since the morning had finally worn off. I was happy. But my introvert self said, alright, time to draw back. If I had pushed myself more I would probably end up with a migraine. Oh, but make no mistake, it was the best Sunday I have ever had quite a long time.

I cleaned up, then tucked into bed with Sometimes The Magic Works. A fitting bedtime read for a beautiful day.

"I have decided, on reflection, it is best just to remember that sometimes the magic really works."
-Terry Brooks

How has the magic been working for you lately?

midyear review

Come with a whoop,and come with a call.
Come with a whole heart or not at all.
(Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I am on my third year of being independent from employed work. It has been a very rough road but every time I look back, even though there are a few tweaks I would like to have done, I never ever regretted the move to resign from a very lucrative employment.

Whenever I look back, what stand out are the shining moments of my rediscovery of my passions. The first time I painted after more than two decades. The first time I wrote a novel. The first time I acknowledged how much I love writing, reading, and making art after many years of believing that they were dispensable hobbies next to the career that everyone measured me with.

Last year the solo work got to a point that I was desperate. I was in danger of losing my home because I had missed payments. There were no projects for more than six months. I wished for a job.

This year the job came. And so did the projects. And I found myself in a quandary. But in the end I chose to be true to what I have become.

It sounds crazy. A steady, most likely very fat, paycheck given up for a continued life of financial roulette. All I had to do was say yes. But I said no.

It was not an easy decision. But my heart has been more vocal since I started on this particular journey and it would not give me peace. My mind came up with exquisite arguments, logical explanations of the hows which, I have always been told, should be left in the hands of the Universe. Logic can only take me so far. In the end, will I be happy? Will I wake up in the morning with optimism or with dread? Will I risk the joyful creative life I have started to build for a life that satisfied only the expectations of others?

At the hardest point of my contemplation, Neil Gaiman's The Ocean At The End Of The Lane presented itself like a sign. It had completely slipped my mind that it would be out already, and I stumbled into it on the way to a client meeting. A beacon amidst the turmoil of my own thoughts.

"How can you be happy in this world? You have a hole in your heart. You have a gateway inside you to lands beyond the world you know. They will call you, as you grow. There can never be a time when you forget them, when you are not, in your heart, questing after something you cannot have, something you cannot even properly imagine, the lack of which will spoil your sleep and your day and your life, until you close your eyes for the final time...you will die with a hole inside you, and you will wail and curse at a life ill-lived." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

The Year of True Paths is halfway through. After finally making that crucial decision I need to make a plan. Solid enough so I will be true to myself in the daily choices I make, loose enough to allow for the playful storytelling of the Universe. For instance, London. I know I want, I need, to be there. The how is not clear, but I can do my part every day in little ways. London is my love story now. Each day is a step closer to a happily ever after.

"...so I turned, randomly, down another road, and took a left, and a right. It was only then that I realized where I was going, where I had been going all along, and I grimaced at my own foolishness." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I heard it said, "When two points are destined to touch, even if a direct connection is impossible, the Universe will always find a way."

My heart tells me it is only a matter of time. And what of time? There is plenty. There is always enough. It is always perfect.

sick day and introverted musings

I have been under the weather all day yesterday. I suspect an intense stress and anxiety attack as the main cause. Things at work are rather stirred up at the moment and important decisions have to be made.

In the middle of all this I found myself thinking about a bit of a revamp for this blog. Maybe it's my way of coping with all the other matters that demanded for my time and attention. I am also feeling that familiar itch to lock myself up in a room for days and write my books without interruption.

It is Saturday and I will have to get some work tasks done. Then tonight I might be stepping out a bit to visit a friend whose father had just died. If events unfold as planned I might also end up telling another person how much I had been hurt by his behavior weeks ago and for which I have hardly forgiven him.

Yes, it is most likely too much anxiety and stress that is getting me all sick and tired in every sense of the words.

I am reading this book :

It is written by Sophia Dembling and it caught my attention while I was browsing in the bookstore last Thursday.  It is easy to read and very uplifting for an introvert like me.

I like the chapter that discusses friendship:

"What is a friend? We probably all have out own definitions. For me, it's someone I don't feel alone with. Who doesn't bore me. Whose life I connect with and who takes reciprocal interest in my life. It's someone I feel comfortable turning to when I need to be talked off the ledge, and for whom I am glad to return the favor."

"Once we start investing in a friendship, we start weighing what we get back. It's a make-or-break time. And for introverts, the investment can feel costly in terms of energy expended. It's the points when we start asking, 'why bother?' --- a legitimate question, as long as it's treated as a question rather than a blow off. Is this person willing to see you, and fun to be with, one-on-one? Does the conversation flow? Is it satisfying? Do you feel energized or depleted after time with this person? I love friendships where the conversation is so interesting, you can't end it even when the visit is supposed to be over."

Sometimes I feel I could use a couple more people who could be real friends. I could relate when my sister moans her lack of a girlfriend posse. We both dream of a constant group of four to five girls sharing the same values and overlapping some interests. The values are important. We could like totally different music but having the same values mean we agree on the things that matter -- in our case those would include compassion for animals and care for nature, reciprocity and responsiveness in relationships, respect for religious beliefs, just to name a few.

I am an introvert who is rather pained by the fact that I have to survive in the world of advertising. I am writing myself a whole notebook on the subject to sort it out and maybe find something that could ease me through until the time that I could fully focus on my book-writing and art-making. I don't want t spend days of my life just gritting my teeth through "shoulds" and "musts" until I could literally afford to be simply a writer and an artist.

Sometimes I feel like the effort will kill me. Pushing myself to be the kind of person everyone expects and then be the kind of person I really am. It's a tightrope walk without a net.

I promise to be brighter soon.

currently inspired by:

And since I am starting out on my personal New Year ('twas my birthday two days ago), this is a good time to refresh those corners and re-organize more towards to what I am becoming. There have been changes in the past year. For one thing, I write much, much more and have redefined the breakfast table as a writing table. I have renewed my book buying and will need to manage space better. I want a wall gallery for my artworks. My studio space needs a next-phase evolution.

It is easier now because I have captured my color theme and life flavor. All I have to do is basically fine-tune and edit so that my home is attuned to what and where I am in my life.

around the mango tree

I had lunch with a very dear friend today. He also used to be my boss and is a believer in the kind of research work that I do (i.e. my dayjob). At the same time he is a staunch supporter of everything else in my life. But most importantly he has become the best kind of friend anyone can ever hope to have in a lifetime.

We agreed to meet up at a bookstore by noon. He came from a meeting so he was a few minutes late, which meant that I ended up discovering and finding books. There was this blank moment and then I am suddenly in possession of three new books that I could barely afford (although they were priced quite low for a regular book).

My friend and I had lunch at a Thai restaurant called The Mango Tree. We had pomelo salad with prawns for starters, then grilled steak with thai sauce and seafood with hot basil. We were so engrossed with catching up that I totally forgot about taking a snapshot of the food. But here's a snapshot of the ever delicious Illy coffee.

I always believe that people and events come upon us when we are ready to receive the message. Something along the line of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. For today, my friend has been the strong gust of wind that blew on my sails and helped me move forward with an optimistic heart. He shared a number of inspiring stories, particularly how the tide turned just when he thought it never would. I like that image of the tide turning, of last-minute plot twists, even a deux ex machina, a divine intervention, an explosion of magic.

Today my well of hope has been refreshed. Even when many things are still up in the air and seem to be evading resolution.

I have started re-writing my novel after letting it rest for a couple of weeks. And again I am experiencing that joy and calm that lifted me up before amidst the uncertainties and trials. Anger, despair, and fears are channeled into this creative endeavor. When nothing much is happening in real life, it helps to make things happen on the page.

On the way home I finally made myself purchase a large old dictionary with yellowing pages for a creative project that I have been wanting to do for months. I was postponing it because I thought it cost too much given my budget constraints. When I checked again today, however, the shop was on sale and the price was a third of what I thought it was.

I walked home from the mall (where the secondhand book shop was), my arms aching with the weight of the dictionary. But I treated it like a little exercise and did not mind the burning pain in my muscles as I dodged traffic and marched steadily through the varying slopes of the sidewalk.

I am now back on my writing desk, CSI: New York playing in the background, and chores lined up for the evening. It has been a good day.

random thoughts on a tuesday

I am wondering if I want to do the 10-day early morning Christmas mass from the 16th to the 25th as a kind of prayer petition. I have never done it before. Maybe I will have first-timer's luck.

I am wondering whether I will have sealed the deal on a job or a big project before the year ends. There are many prospects hanging in the air, hovering like indifferent spacecrafts sizing a planet for takeover.

I am wondering if I could exorcise this particular dream wrapped around my heart before my heart breaks from the sheer weight and heat of it. This particular dream of a hope of someone. This thing that I thought I had safely put to sleep. I am wondering if I could manage to just not care, and instead pour all that energy and fervor into something else, like an artwork or a novel.

I am wondering how much time and effort it will take to save up enough for a trip to England. My desire for it surpasses how I felt for my little pilgrimage to Athens, Georgia in 2000 (where I left a hand-bound and handwritten book of poetry at Michael Stipe's old home - yes, I'm kind of crazy that way.)

As Christmas approaches I feel less of it. For one thing, its commercial grip could find no purchase in me. My own Christmas gift list has been dictated by necessity and intensity. It is a very short list, and most of it I will make by hand, with whatever material is available. Little labors of love in little parcels, made with very little time to spare. I seem to be running out of many things - money, patience, time, hope. For everyone else I will send out good intentions and I hope I have enough of that as well.

But I am not unhappy. That is probably the unusual thing. Normally I would be unhappy given the circumstances. I am not. It is puzzling. My life hangs in a precarious balance and all I could feel is a strange stillness inside me.

I have been in a sort of daze for the past few days. As if one foot is stuck in fairyland or dreamland or some other plane of existence. I have this urge to sleep all day and stay within the safety of my bed. I seem to sleepwalk through the hours, barely able to eat, fingers itching constantly for a pen or a pencil or a keyboard. Writing grounds me a bit, makes me feel less like floating, reins in my thoughts from wandering too frequently in one direction ("She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt me..." - Mr. Darcy, Pride And Prejudice, by Jane Austen)

Reading helps sometimes. But sometimes the stories pull me deeper and away. They keep me up at night,  playing with the shadows on the walls.

My dreams alternate between orderly attempts at symbolic prophecy and chaotic chases through obstacle courses. Clever distortions of my desires.

I was planning to have a dress made for a party but at the last minute I changed my mind. Instead I went through my now-meager closet and looked for something close to what I wanted (a bit Austen-era-inspired, empire cut, scooped neckline, work in a few ribbons and lace).  The dress would not matter much. But how I am while I'm in it would. At the very least it has enough sleeve to hide my heart.

My life right now is a cliffhanger. A series season-ender. A storm waiting to break.

loose ends, full circles

At Hong Kong, February 2012, before the retreat.
Photos belatedly, yet also timely, shared by a sempai.
My hair was so short!

It is the last month of the year. Soon enough I will be scrambling to put together some kind of year-end summary blog post on what this year had brought me.

For this post I wish to lay to resolution one thing that had hovered around me like a hungry vulture.

I had started out 2012 highly optimistic. A quarter of the way through, something gave on a part of my life that left me broken-hearted in so many ways. In March of this year, I decide to take time off from my kendo, needing time to heal and sort out my heart and my spirit.

Things built up through the four and a half years I have been practicing, starting out nice and sweet like all good intentions usually do, and then somehow not surviving the random tests that the Universe threw to poke at their authenticity. I had my failings and my failures. What made them more painful was the realization that there were also people who failed me. It would not have hurt so much if the way it happened was like a clean strike that left no doubt of its intention to slice through a hand, eviscerate, or cleave one in half. But it happened in subtle stabs and little sabotages, leaving  no evidence behind, no witnesses. By the time I realized I was wounded and losing too much blood, I was too weak. It became a time when kendo brought out the worst in me and also made me feel the worst about myself. I discovered reservoirs of hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and other unpleasant things hidden within myself. I came to kendo hoping to learn calm and peace in the midst of adversity and I learned the opposite.

It was not just the practice of kendo, although that in itself was already a challenge that consumed every ounce of my courage. It was the the little things around it that when you gather them together could be as dangerous and damaging as a Portuguese man o' war. The things on the side that most people dismiss and take in stride. But I came to the dojo with all heart and took things too seriously perhaps, trusted too easily. Now I know oh so much better.

Yesterday, after more than eight months of absence and avoidance, I went back to the dojo. I wanted to see what I would feel, if I still wanted to come back, if I could bear to come back.

Here's a very useful advice: staying away for a good chunk of time does help. A lot. Never ever underestimate the value of a retreat, in all its shades of meaning. There will always be a time when it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

(During my retreat I had: written a novel, redecorated my home, painted a lot, redesigned my career, read too many books)

As I walked towards the dojo,  I could feel my heartbeat becoming erratic. Two-thirds of the way my fingertips were as cold as ice and I had to breathe through my mouth.

I came in when the session had started so I would not have to talk to anybody, and I stepped out during the break for the same reason. But one thing that the retreat had brought me was clarity. As well as the calmness of distance. That clarity was completed when I was inside the dojo with the reality of everything and everyone in it. That clarity guided me, and then finally, I knew what to do, what to say, and knew not to care if I, in turn, be the cause of hurt or disappointment. I have been making too many allowances for others, I think it's time I take mine. As the wife of the club president had told me while she was convincing me to come back, "Everyone is selfish."  She has a very good point.

There were other things that unfolded that evening, very close to my ever vulnerable heart, but already tangential to my kendo practice. One thing I have decided though, I will return to practice next week, and see where that leads me, armed with my new clarity and gifted with a new shade of courage (I hope!)

Eight months ago I truly believed I will never return. There were many things I believed were hopeless eight months ago. Maybe a few more will prove me wrong.

Dinner after practice
December 2012, after the retreat
Love my long hair now

What things have turned around for you lately?

the worst of times, the best of times

from http://fivejs.com/for-book-lovers-everywhere/

This has come true for me in its literal sense. I am job-hunting now and have been living on a very strict budget. The job-hunting seems to be going as well as my lovelife - which means there have been many possibilities but they have so far left me hanging or waiting indefinitely. I crafted a visually engaging CV which is both honest and brave. It has stuff in it that are not necessarily meant to impress but instead meant to express. It has a bit more heart, a bit more spirit, which were my intentions.

Today I went to the supermarket to buy food and cat litter. The cat litter could not be compromised but the food could. So I halved my food budget (less meat, more plants) so I could buy these two books.

I have wanted to read Anna Quindlen since I read a sample of her book Lots Of Candle Plenty Of Cake on Kindle. The Solitaire Mystery is a book I have read years ago and would like to read again. I never had a copy of this because my sister just lent me hers to read. I believe it's time I got my own, and it even has the printed autograph of the author.

I have this dream of getting a well-paid job in a publishing house or a book shop or a library.

When I was fresh out of college, after my mandatory stint as a teacher in my high school alma mater (a condition of my scholarship that mysteriously surfaced when I was already halfway though university), I sent out applications to many companies, one of which was a publishing house. That publishing house was the first to call me for an interview. So I went and they interviewed me, and made me take an editing test. They seemed to be very pleased with the results because the very next day they were offering me a job. Except that on that same day I also got a call from a well-known advertising agency requesting for an interview. I was young and naive. I declined the publishing house and went for the advertising agency (associated with fame, glamour, and ridiculously high salaries), which led me to a very successful career that I had to leave fourteen years later because I was longing for something like what I would probably have become if I had chosen the publishing house.

"It's odd when I think of the arc of my life, from child to young woman to aging adult. First I was who I was. Then I didn't know who I was. Then I invented someone and became her. Then I began to like what I'd invented. And finally I was what I was again."    -Anna Quindlen, Lots Of Candles, Plenty Of Cake

a summary of September

I hardly made any posts in September but I realize that quite a lot of interesting things happened.

-  I painted a lot in September. Much more than I have ever painted in my whole life.
-  I found my long lost glass dip pen.
-  I received an unexpected gift of a vintage fountain pen from a friend.
-  I watched The Help with my mom and my sis at my place one Thursday afternoon and we had a happy time.
-  I made delicious Southern Fried Chicken (inspired by the movie).
-  I bought a tin of fruit-flavored loose leaf tea.
-  I invested in a small box of gouache.
-  My family and I went to the annual book fair and we had lunch at a Japanese restaurant. My sister and I shared our favorite affogado dessert.
-  My sister and I attended the Bloom Arts Festival where I ran into an old crush, got four new books, and had free dinner, coffee, and dessert.
-  My sister and I had a three-day garage sale to help raise some extra cash. I had ice cream and ate lots of street food.
-  My mom, sister, and I attended the ceremony where my grandmother received an award for being the oldest woman in town. She is 91.
-  I single-handedly cooked lunch for four including baking a fruit pie for my dad's birthday.
-  I got my first Fashionary notebook.
-  I finished reading two books: The Sensualist by Barbara Hodgson, On Writing by Stephen King.
-  I wrote a lot and finished a notebook so I started a new one.
-  I had a few work meetings for potential projects.

How was your September?

where i am

"…just start where you are. It's a luxury to be in the mood to write. It's a blessing but it's not a necessity. Writing is like breathing, it's possible to learn to do it well, but the point is to do it no matter what."
- Julia Cameron

I have made up countless rules for myself in order to write. Conditions that I somehow believed to be prerequisites to writing. I have this illusion of a perfect piece of work emerging only when these conditions are met. For instance, the house must be clean and in order so that my own thoughts will be in order. There must be a huge chunk of free time stretched out ahead of me so I will not feel rushed or pressured. I must not be disturbed in any way. The temperature in the room must be just so, not too hot, not too cold. It must be early in the day so I will feel like my writing is fresh like the morning sun. There must not be any work to be done after, no errands, no obligations. Meals must be satisfying but not exhausting nor time-consuming to prepare. Also, the dishes must somehow be magically washed away or else the sight of a full dirty sink will distract from the writing.

Needless to say, trying to meet all of these conditions means that no writing is ever done. Five days would have passed and I would still be planning and preparing to write.

The paper must be smooth. The pen must be perfect. The ink must be an exact shade of turquoise.

Handwritten is better than typing. I should wait until my fingers lose their stiffness from playing too much Assassin's Creed. I must not be sleepy, so it will be better if I lay down for a few minutes and took a nap.

I must finish all the items on my to-do list for the day before I can write. Or else all those to-dos will keep on marching back and forth before me on the blank pages.

All the fuss and all the nitpicking for the perfect time to write. Yet all I have to do is to sit down and to write. Ignore everything else. Write as if everything else depended on it. Write for fifteen minutes. Even for five minutes. In five days that would have already been almost half an hour of writing compared to no writing because the windows needed a curtain change.

I have created for myself little superstitions that make writing like some kind of a Holy Grail. I am sabotaging my own path to the creative life I am craving for.

Today I take a burning torch and burn it all away. The rules, the conditions, the excuses. The distractions, the hidden desire for instant perfection, the reluctance to begin for fear of never finishing.

Today I will steal time to write, and to make art, and I will do it every single day from here on. No, I will claim time, for it is the desire of my heart and the calling of my spirit.

Because really, what is it that I dream of, achingly, as I go to bed every night?

To be a writer and an artist, a creator and a crafter.

Then I must live it. Become what I want by doing. To cease all pretense at preparation, to crush every ounce of fear and brew it for courage. To leap into the void of blankness, of possibility, and to make things happen. To make my life happen. To make me happen.

it's a brand new day

Every day is a brand new day. Yet today is somehow more magical that the last few ones that have gone before. Something is shifting inside me, my soul compass pointing to its True North. The clouds of doubts and fear clearing from the sky of my dreams. The oceans of my heart pour in with the tide, pulled by the moon. The moon is my heart, sometimes broken in half, sometimes whole and brimming with light. The morning is an ally, the sun is the hand that holds me all together, fire melding all my broken parts.

Today I feel myself venturing farther and deeper even though everything seems to look the same. The words call, waiting to be poems. The colors swirl with excitement, waiting to be anything on a blank page. The muse sits just beyond the ordinary, a hand held out, and her sigh is an endless music.

day of The Artist's Way

I have started on this book last month and then I had to put it aside for money work.

But today I resumed reading it after savoring the wonderful delightful feeling of completing all the day's chores by 9AM simply because I made myself wake up and get up at 6AM.

So basically I am FINALLY doing something I've been wanting to do for weeks since I put this book aside for money work. (I have also been wanting to play Skyrim for weeks. Maybe I will do that tonight after dinner. We'll see.)

I have read this book way back in the late 90s and I have forgotten most of the wisdom I have gained from it. As I travel through its pages again I could feel my spirit remembering.

"The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention." - Julia Cameron

sneaking away

I only have less than 72 hours to complete my report which is due for presentation next week. I only have the title slide and the research background slide finished. Nothing yet on the actual findings of the research except for scribbles and notes and diagram sketches.

But today I am taking 8 hours to attend a digital photography workshop that I have signed up for a few weeks ago, right about the same time I signed up for the watercolor workshop. Yes, this month is turning out to be a learn-a-new-thing month. Well, the fortune-teller in Hong Kong told me last year that this month will be my month of fortune, so maybe these new things will be the means to that fortune! Hahaha! I wish!

So this workshop should teach me more about taking better photos and I especially want to understand lighting. It's the same thing I want to understand in watercolor painting and my brain seems to be having a twisted time trying to grasp the technical aspects of it. I also want to be able to create moods without having to tinker too much with photo editing software.

I should get this camera working harder after today. Well, after my report presentation at least. I believe I will have to pull an all-nighter or two to catch up with the report analysis and writing. That's always the hardest part-- translating all the ideas into something concrete and understandable and usable. It's true for life matters not just report-writing.

I'll be signing out now. Enjoy your weekend!

bits of the new (and re-newed) in my daily life

I'm training myself to sleep early and wake up early. I am also trying to complete 8 hours of sleep so I would not feel so easily tired and always craving for a nap in the middle of the day. My sleep patterns, according to the Sleep Cycle app, leave much to be desired. I find it very difficult to fall asleep and I keep on waking up at 2-3AM regardless of what time I went to sleep. This is one of the better nights:

But in the past few days I have been already able to get up at 6am from a routine of getting up at 8-9am. Next target is to get up at 5am.

I now swim everyday. Except when the pool is being cleaned or when there are noisy rowdy kids in the pool. I like swimming in the very early morning, right before breakfast, around 7:30 or 8AM. By that time I would have had my first cup of coffee, written my morning pages, cleared the work email inbox, reviewed my to-do list, made up the bed, fed the cat, and gotten the breakfast food ready for cooking.

I stay in the water for 30-45 minutes. I do laps until I'm out of breath and my arms are aching. I also do some yoga poses in the water -- standing poses in the middle of the pool and some sitting poses by the stairs of the pool. I use the fountain faucets as water massage on my back and shoulders.

I eat a full breakfast almost everyday now. Since I wake up early I do not feel the need to rush. I also try to eat fruit as often as I can. Fresh fruits are bit expensive but I get lucky sometimes and find fresh fruit packs at a discount or like the other day, a friend sent me a bagful of fresh sweet mangoes in season.

I go out of my way to buy and include vegetables in every meal. I love vegetables. But they wilt and spoil quickly and making frequent trips to the store is not efficient either. However, the fresher the vegetables, the longer time they will keep. So now I make a special trip once a week to another, farther, supermarket that sells much fresher vegetables and even offers organic vegetables. I turn the long walk into an exercise and also a chance to do a walking meditation.

my quick-to-prepare chicken and vegetable noodle stir-fry

I use public transport or walk whenever I can to save on gas. I also save on parking fees.

I have further distilled my possessions down to the essential. Even my home decor is down to the essential -- I only kept those that really make me happy and that really mean so much to me. I have put out for selling a good portion of my stuff -- anything that I am ambivalent about, haven't used for months, forgotten, postponed/ put aside too many times, all the extra extras and just-in-cases that escaped previous de-clutterings. Since I have become clear on what I exactly want I will also be less susceptible to impulse purchases and the lure of retail therapy.

I have reduced my entertainment collection (movie, anime and TV series DVDs, music CDs, and video games) to these two Muji towers. Before there used to be an equivalent of about double that. I expect to reduce that collection further.

I clean and clear as I go all the time. Even when I am very tired especially in the evenings. The kitchen has to be clean. The dishes have to be washed. Everything must be put away in their proper places. Believe me, the joy in the morning when you are greeted by a bright clean home!

I make time to read everyday. I love books. I have always had a passion for reading and gaining all those tidbits of trivia and knowledge that eventually become contextual reference points for various situations in real life later on. My weird habit is to read multiple books at the same time. Don't ask me how I can keep up with all the plots and stories, I just do. This week I added a few more to my current reading list and I am absolutely happy about it. I used to put off reading because of work. Now I give time to reading, not just work.

I make time to write everyday. In addition to my morning pages, I scribble into my notebook or type into my Evernote all my thoughts and ideas and feelings. Later on I process some of them to see if anything needs to be resolved. Ideas are weighed and stored in a file where it will be used, not forgotten. Writing is very cathartic for me and my one ultimate dream job is to be a writer. So if I will somehow make that dream come true in some way I guess I should get as much practice as I can. Like reading, I used to put off writing for doing work. Now I use my work as an excuse to do more writing. I brainstorm with myself by writing. I thresh out ideas in writing. When I started writing more I noticed that it became easier to handle stress. When I am starting to feel stressed (I get stressed so easily!) I start to write. Sometimes writing a blog post helps calm me down. Like right now.

I now have a stricter work schedule. Being clear with where I want to take my life (that will be shared in the next few posts), I make sure that the work I do in the meantime does not overwhelm nor take more than its share of fair time and effort for each day. So I have allotted time for work in the early morning until 3PM only. If there is a need to do "overtime" work then I extend until 5PM. This means that future projects will have to take this into consideration. With this strict schedule and a clearer image in my head of the boundaries of work in my day, I have also succeeded in controlling my procrastination to a much, much better degree.

These are just some that are more firmly in place. They were much easier to do when I became clear with my life goals because every little bit of these daily habits contribute to the bigger goals. As I recalibrate my day-to-day I am able to comprehend better how the little things matter and I also learn to be more patient while trusting that all the effort will amount to something significant.

What new habits are you trying to learn?

a catch-up and then off i go

Hello! I must say that life has taken some subtle but significant turns for me these past couple of weeks. Most of it were triggered by me and my decisions to take charge of my life and to pull myself out of unhelpful default modes.

I am glad to say that I have overhauled the foundations of my life (I even took a two-day personal retreat to really ponder and plan on things) and while the house isn't finished, I know that I am standing on solid ground. I will write more about this particular journey in my next posts but for now I would like to share the peace of mind I have gained in simply making decisions and taking time to have clear strategies of executing them.

What are the decisions I have made? Many of these will sound so normal or ordinary, and some may even say ask why am I only thinking of these things now? Believe me, I have been plagued by these matters throughout my life but I have just always resorted to band-aid (short-term) solutions -- most of the time I never realized that I was just masking things and not really resolving them.

What made me make the decisions in the first place? Call it metaphysical unease. Call it life dissatisfaction. Call it fears about the future. Call it a hotpot of all plus more (maybe even throw in a scoop of midlife crisis). I found myself generally feeling like I should and could be doing more and making more happen. I also felt that I have not been operating at full potential. There were things I wanted but then I already knew they would not be enough because I used to have them before and my happinesses were often short-lived.

I found myself gravitating towards "inspirational" and "self-help" books that I would not have probably given a second glance before. I found myself re-reading books that once gave me useful directions but are now giving me new, more challenging tasks and at a deeper level. It was both a new experience and also a humbling one to learn/ re-learn the basics of everyday life. I thought I always knew what to do and most importantly I thought I always knew what I wanted. Maybe I did but I had forgotten quite early in my life, especially when society applauded me so much for being such a team player for doing what was expected and retail therapy masqueraded as my best friend.

So what decisions have I made?  I decided on what I really wanted. Without guilt. Without fears. I matched that with my desire for everlastingness -- my mark in the world, how I want to be remembered when I die. Surely I do not want a eulogy that goes something like "she was so smart she helped sell a billion packs of fruit juice."

I followed my heart in a meditative journey and we swam through the sludge of my history and past decisions. I encountered moments of epiphanies that fell by the wayside, hit and run casualties by the devil of distraction. I saw beggar dreams from my childhood hungry and ignored looking up at me expectantly. I saw the gravestones of lost opportunities, massacred by fear. I saw a wasteland choked with procrastination, discouragement, regret, distrust, anger. And fear. So much of the stuff is floating around, cloaked in so many colors and called by so many names.

But my heart knows what it wants and all I had to do was listen to it. And I must not judge it. And I must let go of my fears. I must not say "That's ridiculous, it's too difficult to do! It's not going to happen" or "Is that even possible?" or the worst of all "But what would other people say?"

So we mapped my history, rescued some dreams, cleaned up as best we could. We made note of what could still be changed and made peace with what could not. The hardest part was self-forgiveness. My heart did most of that. My mind was all sharp logic and skepticism.

Then we took out a fresh new piece of blank paper. This time, for the first time, I let my heart handle the cartography of my present and my future. So much unfamiliar territory yet also so much of what's familiar with new paths. So many tasks and challenges. So many commitments. So much faith required. And yet, I find myself starting to feel... better. So much better. And more certain. Clarity and purpose that are true to one's nature and attuned to one's heart are blessed things to have.

So that's where I am right now and what's been filling up my days on top of, beneath, and through the daily (new and improved) routines. No roller-coaster rides like the fleeting feelings of falling in love. Instead, a lively-enough pace that fills me with serenity, gratitude, and sprinkles of (rediscovered) magic.

Have a great day everyone!

5 things i want to learn in 2012

On top of all the things I want to do more of, there are a few new things I want to learn. These have been on my list since late last year but had to be put off to make way for the first trials with the shop and the settling in into the whole crafty lifestyle.

I am not yet sure how I will go about learning these. Maybe online classes, or buying tons of books and self-studying, or being lucky enough to find an affordable and accessible class that I could actually enroll in. I have an aunt and a grandma who can help out with a couple of the items but their availability will be tricky. So any help to point me to options will be most welcome!


Printing my own Design on Fabric

For this I am very inspired by untoldimprint. There are also colors and pattern combinations that I could only find in my head and not in the shops. And if I do find them in the shops then it would cost me a fortune.

I would also like to learn it closer to the old-fashioned way instead of just using an ink-jet printer or special gadgets. Silk screen printing is something that often comes up and I have come across it in one of my high school home economics class although we were never really allowed to touch screen nor fabric.

untoldimprint

silkscreen and scribble

Knitting

This is such a granny (worse, old maid) thing to do and I know I would probably not escape being needled (pun intended) about it. But then I would point these people to the blogs of really cool girls who knit. I mean, it doesn't have to be an "old lady" thing with all its related associations of being a recluse and surrounded by cats and all the other granny cliches  -- and by the way have you seen my ninety-year-old grandma? She defies most definitions of how ninety-year-old grandmas "should" be. :D

from art equals happy

Making Quilts/ Patchwork

I have two quilt-style skirts and I've always wanted a quilt for my bed. I just love the whole idea of having all the colors and patterns I want in one piece all at the same time! I once saw this really beautiful bed quilt at a thrift shop but it was being sold at Php5000. I could see why it could be worth that but it's supposed to be a THRIFT shop!

e-course by smile and wave

Dressmaking

I am particularly interested in recreating and reviving vintage patterns. Almost all of my clothes now are thrifted or vintage -- another move to help mother earth by recycling even with my wardrobe. Learning to make my own clothes will also support local fabric suppliers and significantly lessen the cost involved in each piece. I also don't have to make do with whatever fashion style is in vogue (which often lately only flatters skinny girls).

from Style Hive

It has also been difficult to find perfect fitting pretty skirts that don't cost a leg (and sometimes also an arm). So it would be great to just make them myself (and everything will be a flattering A-line!).

from grevilleadesign at etsy

Learn Adobe Illustrator

From handmade to digital - yes, I know. But this one I want so I can do nice prints for decor and gifts and maybe eventually for selling. I am particularly inspired by the art in Anna Johnson's Savvy Chic, the art of Nick Bantock, and Barbara Hodgson. It will probably be a mix of actual handcrafted collage and drawings which will then be further enhanced and polished by Illustrator. In any case, I would like to be able to reproduce some pieces and also be able to print them in various sizes for various use.

Anna Johnson 

Well, good luck to me! On top of everything, I have to do the Other Job so I will earn money for food and shelter and craft materials. But it's 2012! It's a much better year and there are more than three hundred fresh, possibility-filled, magic-imbued days ahead! ^_^

2012 : the Year of Rebirth

I have mentioned in a previous post that for the past four years I have picked up on themes for each new year. This new year brings with it a Year of Rebirth, a fitting follow-through to this old year's return to one's roots. After making peace with the past, our histories, and the consequences of old decisions, we are now ready to move forward and to face life with a fuller heart and a fuller spirit. More whole. A renewed self continues the journey of life.

2011 has been like a dark tunnel for me, with only the glimpses of light at its end spurring me on. Emerging, finally, from a labyrinth of trials and challenges I am like a child emerging from the womb. While I may be more vulnerable in my raw self I have also regained a sense of wonder and joy and magic. I am also now stronger in other ways, and with a clearer purpose. My life's compass has found its north and I am now somehow getting better at making new maps and charting courses for my journeys. I have given up some things in the process but I believe that what I will gain later on will be much much more.

Here are the little embryos and seedlings of 2011 that are waiting to emerge fully in 2012. While I have been doing a few of them for many years it is only in the past year that I have re-evaluated how they are contributing to my living a fulfilled and authentic life. For some, it is only in the past year that I have been able to actually do anything tangible. The old year has been both a painful and enriching experience.

more Crafting and Creative Journeys

The rediscovery of my passions has been a major event for me. While the actual process was slow and at times even excruciating, the reward of knowing where I really want to go and what I really want to do is simply priceless. The new year presents a daunting task of being true to what I love but I trust that my heart will show me every way and that the Universe always helps those who seek with the soul.

a Happier and more Inspired Home

As part of my practice of authenticity, I embrace who I am and my home now reflects myself instead of hiding and camouflaging who I am. I open myself to kindred spirits and invite love and friendships and opportunities. I surround myself with inspiration and seek to inspire others as well through example.

a more Discerning and Patient Heart

After two decades I finally learn the lesson of patience and keeping still. While I acknowledge my own strengths and powers to shape my life, I could not shape the heart of others. But by being true to myself then everything else will follow and there will be no need to yearn or to strive or to scheme. The how of fairy tales has always been in the domain of the Universe. All I have now is the faith that there is a happily ever after unfolding before me.

Knowing and Doing What Really Matters

I was supposed to do a monthly highlight in photos for 2011 but I realized that there are huge gaps in my journals and photo albums because of being enslaved by work and the need for money. I do not dismiss the necessity of money but I should never lose sight of why I gave up my easy access to it two years ago. If I calm myself down I will see that help is sent at exactly the perfect time. There is no need to waste time and energy fretting and worrying. Instead I should channel those time and energy into creating and loving. I also learned that compromising out of despair (such as accepting work for less than adequate fees just to have something) never works in the long run. It takes its toll on the heart and the spirit and derails me from my true journey.

Valuing Family and True Friends

The number of people who actually greeted me and sent me gifts this Christmas have gone down to a number that I could count with my two hands. On the other hand, I have strengthened and deepened the bonds of the few and precious that have actually remained. Going back to my family roots and reviving my relationships with my cousins, aunts, and especially my grandmother have added substance to the core of my self -- particularly because they make up the ancestral tree of my creativity.

more Earth-Conscious Living

I read a story somewhere about a man who would walk down the beach at low tide and he would pick up stranded starfish and throw them back to the sea to save them. Another man told him that there are too many and he would not be able to save all and it would not make a difference. The man who was saving the starfish picked one up and threw it to the water and said "Well, it sure made a difference to that one."

That's how I want to look at my own little efforts to live an earth-friendly lifestyle. Every little thing counts. It will all count.

more Meaningful Travels

What I now lack in travel budget I make up for in meaning and memories. Instead of coming home with a bag full of shopping that I mostly bought on impulse, I now come home with a camera full of photos capturing every mundane moment turned magical.

a Stronger Spirit (and body!), a Braver Heart

The greatest challenge of my life so far and I am amazed that I have not given up on kendo. I will be taking the exam on February and it is something that I both want and don't want. It terrifies me. I hate it. It reveals me in all my weaknesses including the worst of it, my physical weakness. It crushes me in ways that nothing else can. But I know that on my death bed I will be regretting it if I gave up. So I will not give up. (God help me.) 

a Daily Life of Simple Joys, and Contentment without Compromise

Calmness, simplicity, honesty. No unnecessary indulgences but no deprivations. Taking care of myself as much as I take care of others. No more guilt. No more self-recrimination. No need to acquire possessions to masquerade as accomplishments. I will create what I need and what I want. As much as it is in my power. I will dispose of what I don't need and what I don't want. I will keep only what is essential, what keeps me true. The rest I leave in the hands of the Universe. 

Happy new year everyone!