loose ends, full circles

At Hong Kong, February 2012, before the retreat.
Photos belatedly, yet also timely, shared by a sempai.
My hair was so short!

It is the last month of the year. Soon enough I will be scrambling to put together some kind of year-end summary blog post on what this year had brought me.

For this post I wish to lay to resolution one thing that had hovered around me like a hungry vulture.

I had started out 2012 highly optimistic. A quarter of the way through, something gave on a part of my life that left me broken-hearted in so many ways. In March of this year, I decide to take time off from my kendo, needing time to heal and sort out my heart and my spirit.

Things built up through the four and a half years I have been practicing, starting out nice and sweet like all good intentions usually do, and then somehow not surviving the random tests that the Universe threw to poke at their authenticity. I had my failings and my failures. What made them more painful was the realization that there were also people who failed me. It would not have hurt so much if the way it happened was like a clean strike that left no doubt of its intention to slice through a hand, eviscerate, or cleave one in half. But it happened in subtle stabs and little sabotages, leaving  no evidence behind, no witnesses. By the time I realized I was wounded and losing too much blood, I was too weak. It became a time when kendo brought out the worst in me and also made me feel the worst about myself. I discovered reservoirs of hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and other unpleasant things hidden within myself. I came to kendo hoping to learn calm and peace in the midst of adversity and I learned the opposite.

It was not just the practice of kendo, although that in itself was already a challenge that consumed every ounce of my courage. It was the the little things around it that when you gather them together could be as dangerous and damaging as a Portuguese man o' war. The things on the side that most people dismiss and take in stride. But I came to the dojo with all heart and took things too seriously perhaps, trusted too easily. Now I know oh so much better.

Yesterday, after more than eight months of absence and avoidance, I went back to the dojo. I wanted to see what I would feel, if I still wanted to come back, if I could bear to come back.

Here's a very useful advice: staying away for a good chunk of time does help. A lot. Never ever underestimate the value of a retreat, in all its shades of meaning. There will always be a time when it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

(During my retreat I had: written a novel, redecorated my home, painted a lot, redesigned my career, read too many books)

As I walked towards the dojo,  I could feel my heartbeat becoming erratic. Two-thirds of the way my fingertips were as cold as ice and I had to breathe through my mouth.

I came in when the session had started so I would not have to talk to anybody, and I stepped out during the break for the same reason. But one thing that the retreat had brought me was clarity. As well as the calmness of distance. That clarity was completed when I was inside the dojo with the reality of everything and everyone in it. That clarity guided me, and then finally, I knew what to do, what to say, and knew not to care if I, in turn, be the cause of hurt or disappointment. I have been making too many allowances for others, I think it's time I take mine. As the wife of the club president had told me while she was convincing me to come back, "Everyone is selfish."  She has a very good point.

There were other things that unfolded that evening, very close to my ever vulnerable heart, but already tangential to my kendo practice. One thing I have decided though, I will return to practice next week, and see where that leads me, armed with my new clarity and gifted with a new shade of courage (I hope!)

Eight months ago I truly believed I will never return. There were many things I believed were hopeless eight months ago. Maybe a few more will prove me wrong.

Dinner after practice
December 2012, after the retreat
Love my long hair now

What things have turned around for you lately?

saturday night out - after the fact

This is what I wore (an essence of it, at the very least).

I even bothered to paint my nails.

I went with my sister and a friend of ours, Pater Paul, to celebrate our fifth anniversary as kendo players. Although I have not been attending for the past weeks I still want to go back to regular practice. The kendo thing is whole complex story in itself so I won't go into details at this point.

We had dinner and dessert in a cafe. It felt really nice to be out on a Saturday night after so long.

For my part, a lot of feelings were stirred (along with the tea), and one of the things I realized is that I quite miss playing kendo.

However, there is still a lot of work to be done in myself before I can resume practice. There are emotions to be sorted out, truths to be faced, choices and decisions made, reasons clarified.


Another thing I realized is... well, the heart can be tricky and the mind sometimes plays along with it and then where does that leave me? Doomed, I say. A poker-faced heart is not to be trusted.

13 Best Things About My Five Days in Hong Kong

I went to Hong Kong to take my first dan examination for kendo. I did not pass the exam. And while I took comfort in the protests and surprise of my friends and my kendo seniors, I also have a pretty good idea why I didn't make it, something that only really sunk into me when I was already there, trembling on my bare feet on the cold floor of the dojo.

I believe that trip was meant to teach me something else. The exam was a ruse of the Universe to get me where it wants me. Because maybe I was just way too stubborn. And also I needed the perspective by being far away from all my comfort zones. I also got reminded of many simple joys that I may be neglecting to appreciate in my daily life.

1
I learned that I needed to trust myself more. I cannot be the first person to limit myself ---- that just because I am female, only five feet tall, no longer in my twenties, no previous history and never been adept at all in any sports or martial arts, non-skinny --- that I can only do so much and that I will just always be average or mediocre in my kendo practice. I have to trust in my own inner power and strength, as well as my own strategic skills because kendo is not simply a physical contest. I need to trust myself to find the harmony of body and spirit that will make me worthy of being sent to the tournament in Hong Kong.

2
Matcha and Hokkaido Milk Ice Cream with Mochi can make up for all the shopping I could not afford to do. I was on a very strict cash only budget and the beautiful vintage-y items and craft materials in CitySuper almost destroyed my resolve not to use my credit card for anything. But with almost superhuman strength I resisted to purchase anything beyond my means. So when I spotted the ice cream stall I did not hesitate -- and the taste of the ice cream simply soothed all the material wanting away. No kidding.

3
If I am meant to have something I want, even if I let it go, it will find its way to me. Or, multiple obstacles and delays along the way do not necessarily mean never. This is the story of my Instax camera which I have wished for oh-so-much since before Christmas last year. I almost purchased it online but then the money had to be re-channeled to something more urgent. Then there was supposed to be a contact who can get it for me much cheaper and it didn't pan out. Then my sister was planning to give it to me for Christmas but then it ran out of stock. Then I started saving up for it but at the last minute before I left for Hong Kong, I had to re-channel the funds again for necessities. At that point I just thought : what the heck, forget it.

Second day into Hong Kong, I came across a shop selling a whole Instax package with 2 free boxes of films, a close-up lens, batteries, bag, and photo album for a highly discounted price. It was the perfect package.

4
My kendo is not that bad. I am not at the bottom of the food chain, so to speak. This is related to item #1 because given my self-limitations I really felt that there wasn't much point in going 100% because my chances of doing decently are really low, like too much effort for little gain, and I will never catch up with those who started playing younger. But when I went out there and even had a chance to face a younger, faster, opponent, I realized that the very things I thought were limiting to me actually became strengths - I played differently, I strategized differently. As my sister put it, we played unexpectedly because we could not match them in speed and stamina. As a result, I got a few good hits in. I wasn't too bad as I thought.

5
I could live on pies and tarts for breakfast for days. Especially if they are from the Pie And Tart Specialist. Each for HK$10 or less. Ultimate favorite is the Cheesy Milk Tart.

6
Soaking your feet in a bathtub half filled with hot water while eating ready meals from 7-11 after a long day of walking is bliss. This is what my sister and I did. Feet hurt more when you walk around for a whole day without buying anything. Empty hands have their own weight.

So we got tuna onigiri and salmon rolls and spicy noodles and fizzy drinks. Arranged them for easy access around the tub while we figured out which side to sit on. Added bubbly gel to the hot water. And we slipped our very sore feet in. Happiness!

7
When the universe presents you with a perfect setting, you get on the stage instead of walking away. Our daily life is filled enough with routine and responsibilities that we often just plod on and rarely go off the well-beaten path. But once in a while there is a chance to play other roles, or to give other aspects of ourselves a few moments to stretch out in the sun.

In my case, it was a setting to be sweet and somewhat vulnerable. I have always been a self-sufficient, take-control kind of person. I have also often kept myself at a safe distance with an escape route when socializing. But once in a while, when you least expect it, someone gets through to you and then the universe conspires to keep on putting you in each other's path. Don't fight it. Just go with it. Enjoy the moments. Sit on that empty space beside him. Smile back. Accept offers of help. Say thank you. Immerse yourself in the conversation when you're together. Appreciate and savor the little sweet habits that begin to form and that make you smile to yourself when you remember them. Rediscover that delicious state of wonder and joy. Don't over-think. Live it. Enjoy it.

8
Days without internet access is so refreshing. I've known this for a while but you appreciate it more when the hours you spend online is actually replaced by other activities that you realize are equally, if not more, enjoyable. Such as sitting in a park leisurely eating pie. Or walking around discovering a city. Or having long conversations and getting to know people you never thought you had so much to bond with.

9
The good ol' spin-the-bottle game never loses its magic in bringing kindred spirits together. It may sound cheesy or corny for some but believe me, it works. It breaks down barriers, breaks through shyness, and opens up new ways of connecting with people. My sister was getting ready to get into her pajamas while I was considering making a trip to 7-11 to get some coffee when a knock on the door brought an invitation to hang out with the guys in their room. It was the first time we actually had a chance to hang out and get to know the other guys in the dojo and we are glad we did. For myself it was a good exercise of opening up and reaching out to meet the other person/s halfway. It was a practice in generosity as well as I shared my time and my presence and participation (I usually hate games except the video kind). The endless laughter gave us tummy aches and sore throats. Well worth it.

10
Being treated like a girl feels good. Like being helped with heavy things. And having doors opened for you. And having things taken care of for you. Being waited for. Being looked out for while crossing the street. Being looked out for while boarding the train. My instinct has often been to assert my capability to take care of myself. Sometimes it's good to just give in.

11
Getting out of the usual routine and following your heart can lead to wonderful experiences. I know this already, but the meaning sinks in much deeper when you actually experience it. Now I have a benchmark for how I should feel in my daily life as a kind of guide on whether I am compromising on my happiness and passion or getting trapped in the safety of routine. In those five days I slept for less than twelve hours put together. But in each waking minute I was very much alive. I followed my heart. I did what needed doing. I braved my way through the stuff that scared me. I actually let go of a lot of the things that generally hold me back.  I stepped out of my comfort zone in some cases.

12
I love cold weather. Even if the cold wind slices through my cheeks. I love how everyone looks nice and warm in their nice coats and jackets and scarves and boots and hats. My hair also behaves very well in cold weather instead of freaking out with humidity.

that's my sister in her really nice jacket loaded with pies and sweets

13
I fell in love. (Uh-oh)

Had any life-changing trips lately?

a happy day and i think i know why

I have declared today a no-work day. No internet either. I only briefly connected to confirm a meeting schedule for tomorrow but that was it.

Last night I had dinner at my parents' house and stayed all the way until today. It was a rather spontaneous decision, and it also felt like something I needed to do. I needed to be away from my home which is currently in transition. I needed to be away from the distraction of too much familiarity and the lull of habits.

Kendo practice last night was surprisingly satisfying and I even surprised myself. I slept like a baby, for the first time since I can no longer remember when. With my breakthrough (I think that's what it was) in kendo, a lot of other things also gained clarity. Like something clicked into place and as a result other things started to slide towards their own proper spaces.

Or it could just be some form of pre-birthday thing. It will be my birthday next week.

I woke up this morning with a light heart and a positive energy. I cooked myself breakfast and wrote my morning pages while I ate. Then I mapped my creative journey on two pages of a sketchbook - it's the first time I did this and it was very helpful and inspiring. I identified what I could work on. The rest I left to faith. Then I spent a couple of hours reading quietly in the sunny backyard, making notes, opening myself up to the questions that come up in the book I was reading (Foolsgold by Susan G. Wooldridge).

Then a hearty home-cooked lunch with my family.

Then I went to help my sister design shoes for selling. We were at it the whole afternoon and our fingers ached but it was one of the most fulfilling and satisfying day ever. It was the first time I designed shoes because the previous times I took care of inventory lists and I also had Other Business work.

We were quiet sometimes and we were laughing out loud sometimes. But we kept on creating and crafting and thinking up pretty thoughts. I wished I didn't have that meeting tomorrow so I could have done another pair and maybe stayed over for another night. As I sewed, more ideas came to me and my heart leaped with excitement and oh, I could not wait to get to that point when I would just be creating and crafting all these pretty things and they will be selling like anything and we will be happily living on what we earned.

This is how it would feel everyday when I am living the creative life I have always dreamed of.

Soon, soon...

after every storm

I did my Client presentation this morning, the fruit of hard mental labor and sleepless nights. I wore happy shoes to boost my energy.

happy shoes from our little shop. we're making and selling more this month! :)

Every time, without fail, I come home and I am wobbling with exhaustion and I would crawl to bed, sleep for a few hours troubled by displaced dreams, then wake up ravenously hungry and starting to feel really ill.

As of this moment I am experiencing all the signs of an oncoming fever : the too-warm feeling behind my eyes, the ache in the throat when swallowing, the too-sensitive feeling on the skin, the body aches, the slightly clogging nose, and of course, the slowly creeping chills and the increased temperature in my breath.

It's like all the adrenaline that has kept me up has suddenly run out or deserted me. And now I will need at least a full day's rest to get back on track.

This pattern has to change. I will break this vicious cycle.

For starters, I have watched myself work for the past week and I saw how an Other Business project in full swing can just sweep everything I have put in place and scatter them into chaos. I have repeatedly tried different ways to fix this but so far nothing has been effective enough. I will resolve this.

I have also experienced a wave of epiphanies as I pushed myself to focus on completing the presentation slides on time. This treasure of insights is motivating me now to fight the fever so I can start doing things to make my creative journey progress better.

My birthday is around the corner in a couple of weeks. I was originally planning to host a small gathering of friends but after my epiphanies I have decided to put the party off and do it later in the year -- still with the birthday occasion but it will also be a re-birthday event, a super perfect thing to do on this Year of Rebirth.

As a reward for completing the recent Other Business project, I subscribed to Indie Business : Compass and I can't wait to start with it. I also purchased Kelly Rae Robert's Flying Lessons: Part One. At some point I am beginning to see the same formula and patterns in what they are all teaching and sharing but what is enlightening is how they do it. Each teacher comes from a unique background and taken together, they  point me to clues regarding my own unique story. Also sometimes, one teacher is better in driving home one point, while another excels in making a particular lesson crystal-clear.

I feel a bit sad about having to miss kendo practice tonight but I will make up for it for the whole 20 days before I leave for Hong Kong. Seriously. Because deep deep deep down inside I do care whether I pass the exam or not. Even when I keep telling other people it doesn't really matter.

I will sign off now. I'm starting to get really headachy. Will have an early night and wake up all brand new tomorrow morning!

Love and hugs to everyone!

snapshots

I am still trapped with work so to keep this blog alive I am posting stolen snapshots throughout the super busy days. My sister has been staying over at my place to help me out with data transcriptions.

My sister has been taking charge of breakfast to help me out with the daily tasks and chores. This one is scrambled egg with toast and butter.

Lots of caffeine keep us awake at least until midnight. Then we start nodding off no matter how much coffee we take.

My sister's version of Omurice for breakfast : first she fried rice in onions, a bit of soy sauce, and a bit of tomato catsup.

Then scrambled egg cooked into a pancake shape is put on top.

And then it's ready to eat! I would like to try this with fresh tomatoes instead of tomato catsup.

The occasional treat -- caramel sundae especially after an intense kendo practice.

Kendo practice has to fit into the schedule somehow because of the exam in February. It's pretty tough pushing myself physically after days of incomplete sleep hours and full days of mental fatigue.

Fruits to help refresh and revive the mind. Dragonfruit is soooooo delicious!

Pasta with salmon and cream which I invented for lunch yesterday.

Mogget caught sniffing at the onions... 

Mogget : What the heck is that smell?

Mogget : Seriously, what is that smell?

A special thank you to Chrystina who has been visiting and commenting frequently -- I'm definitely appreciating the online company especially through the wee hours! :)

Also happy to see Hana back to posting about her happy adventures and dropping by to visit this blog a few days ago. :)

Am loving all the visits from happy creative people!


Have a great Friday everyone!

still alive after all

I survived the year's first kendo practice! Even when warm-up was more like sizzling with one hundred counts of the jumping strike (the usual is thirty, and this is on top of all the other regular warm up routines). And even when the first hour of practice was just this one set of long strikes repeated over and over and over again. Then sparring for fifteen minutes straight.

My legs and arms ached and were close to the burning sensation of over-fatigue. But I survived. And I was breathing okay -- which was a major miracle in itself. No hard gasping for breath. No side stitch. Thank you yoga!

We filled out the application form today for the exam in February. No turning back now.

I am still nervous and worried but it helps a lot that I have done practice already.

I was supposed to stay home for dinner and do some writing and reading and watching TV but Allan really wanted to spend an evening out with the group so he somehow managed to have everyone agree to a dinner at my McNeighbor (and of course I had to have a sundae). Then everyone went to my place for coffee.

Everyone got to see my decors.

All in all it was quite a good night. :)

a practice in battling myself

One unresolved aspect of my life is my kendo practice. I keep on telling others and myself that I do it for the whole "spirit" thing, that whole idea of conquering yourself and your fears and challenging yourself to do things you don't normally do. They are all true but they are not the whole truth. I'm not even sure yet if they are even half the truth.

I started kendo practice in July of 2007. That's four and a half years. That's one of the longest I have ever committed to anything that does not exactly make me feel like the best of myself. It takes a lot from me. As an introvert I am not a fan of too much social interaction. I never joined any clubs in college and I was an expert at minimizing my presence and participation in company events. For me to show up every Saturday and actually confront an opponent -- that is something. I surprise myself every time.

I have had my many issues about practicing kendo. But as I look back on all those years, those issues were mostly things that surrounded my practice. With my limited vision and my too-vulnerable emotions, I often mistook the distractions as the practice itself or thought them to be integral to the practice. I have yet to overcome biases, insecurities, and low self-confidence. The challenge is to let all these mental and emotional clutter disrupt my experience of kendo or I can just focus on the simple miraculous fact that I am doing it at all.

My sister is more into the practice than I am. Sometimes her happiness is triggered by the very act of practice. There is a part of me that still refuses to let kendo have that effect on me because I guess I am afraid of failing it and myself. I know my weaknesses, and there are a lot, and I am afraid that they will get the better of me. But all the inspirational pieces I have read tell me to look at my own strengths and to remember the moments when I did something well. Like maybe that one Saturday when I shocked myself and a sensei by getting a point against him when everyone else has had a hard time doing so. Or remember the times when I am praised for a very good execution of a basic kata.

Today is the year-end tournament and sometimes I fantasize about winning a few times through the elimination rounds, enough to be noticed. Sometimes.

Then I get there and all I could pray for is to not make a fool of myself.

a quick post before i go to bed

I practiced kendo yesterday (I realize it's already Sunday) and after three weeks of not practicing at all I was surprised that I didn't do too bad. I will have another post on my burst of thoughts about my practice but for now I would like to share the events after practice.

We received an unexpected invitation to the opening of Japanese noodle restaurant, Moshi Koshi Noodle Boss, co-owned by friends. Free dinner! Which also turned out to be delicious! I ordered the yakisoba and made short work of it. But what was more enjoyable was the laughter that peppered the conversations around the dinner table.

After dinner we didn't feel like going home yet so we went for coffee at Poco Deli and Peter Paul ordered cake which we shared and we had conversations about Sandman, John Constantine, the differences between men and women, people at kendo, graphic novels, and bits and pieces of random stuff.

As I write this post I am listening to a 70s playlist in my iTunes and I am singing along and tapping my feet and I have this excess of energy that is probably the strong Italian coffee plus the endorphins of a good practice. Will need to get this off my system or else I would not be able to sleep!

I will go and read something calming while tucked in bed to help the sleepy energies in taking over. Good night everyone!

saturday night sweet spot

I love that perfect time on Saturday evenings -- that chunk of time right after the exhausting and grueling kendo practice and before sleeping in late on a Sunday morning. Every time I experience that satisfying joy of having completed and survived my kendo and then rewarding myself in one way or another during the evening with my friends. Then layer that with the thought that there is one whole free Sunday just right ahead. Bliss!

(My friend Peter Paul finds this funny because he said I run my own business so why I should I treasure the weekend as if I had to go to an office as an employee on weekdays. I don't think he realizes how much work I actually have to do to keep that business afloat while also squeezing time for my creative passion pursuits! Also, on weekends there are no client calls to dread. Hahaha!)

"let your vision of success evolve"

The above is what I opened into in Joseph Cardillo's book, Bow To Life: 365 Secrets From The Martial Arts For Daily Life. My sister and I both have the book and read a passage a day. We are hoping it will help us in both our kendo practice and also how what we learn from kendo can translate in our day-to-day.

My sister reads the passages in chronological order. I am more of the random page opener.

Here are some key thoughts that struck me: that discovering the self and living to our full potential is a never-ending journey. We flow through stages and levels, but as this happens, our desires also shift to bigger goals. For example, from just wanting to set up a business, to making that business flourish, to being considered an expert in that business.

Our measures or ideas of success change through time. Our job is to keep on creating, to always be aware of where we are at any point and be conscious of taking ourselves to the next level. Of course this is not meant in an ambitious, obsessive kind of way but in a way that develops us as whole people, not just as career persons, or as artists, or as parents for instance. In every stage we see where we can grow and we expand that way, most often following where our heart leads us. This is not just about the rational mainstream leveling up that we see often portrayed in movies or even in the values inculcated in us since childhood - getting promoted, progressing from singlehood to marriage, having kids in a year or two after the wedding, etc. Practicality is part of it but also is spirituality. How we grow inside not just outside is an integral part of our own success.

I think about where I am now and how some people may view my career situation as a step back. That is their definition. That is probably their measure of success. But from my own perspective, I have achieved something important - breaking out of my comfort zones and paying attention to the other aspects of me that have been neglected through the years and listening to the calling of previously dormant passions.

In my kendo practice I realize that how other people measure success in the dojo does not have to be the same as mine. I will define my practice and if it teaches me patience and perseverance and discipline then I will think myself a success even if I don't get praised or singled out or given special care and attention. Even if I am told in so many subtle and un-subtle ways that I am not "catching up" or "doing as well as". This is not an easy thing to do because we have been brought up in a context of competition and measuring ourselves against what people say and think. But slowly I am managing to just see what is essential to me in my practice and everything else will just be a backdrop to what is important for me to achieve.

a spirit award

It was the midyear big competition at the dojo. I lost on the first round but fought bravely and even scored the first point against my opponent. But he scored two points after so I lost. However, during the award ceremony I was given the Fighting Spirit Award which made me really happy. Suddenly I am not as invisible as I thought.