simmering

like a cauldron bubbling
not so much trouble
but maybe a potful of delight and dreams

The year of true paths is winding towards an end. So much have been learned, most in very painful ways. But I am still here, surviving the consequences of choices and random acts of courage.

There have been losses in so many ways. My head still reels when memory marches before me a string of small tragedies and disappointments and failures long enough to strangle the breath out of anyone with a weaker spirit.

But yes, I believe my spirit is much stronger than it ever was.

As this year ends what is left is clarity.  It has swept through every aspect of my life and shooed away the shadows, forcing me to see.

I end this year better than I ended last year. In a manner of speaking. It is all a matter of perspective. I choose to see it as better.

a sunday of substance

Yesterday was a great day.

I have been excited for yesterday since I set that meeting with my bookseller friend. I have not seen him for a while and the books I have ordered have been languishing in his inventory for months. I was at the tail-end of a project and a fieldwork and thought I deserved a reward of some kind for being still alive. What better way than finally getting my old orders and paying up and maybe adding a couple new books to the package?

My friend sells good quality second-hand books which I absolutely love. Pre-owned books carrying a history of their own. Yellowed pages, old editions, rare hard-bounds. And that lovely old-book smell. He also sells notebooks – Moleskine and Field Notes and Fashionary. Yes, a dangerous combination for a writer/artist like me.

So I set up a meeting and I was fired up all week looking forward to it.

Layer on the discovery that Before Midnight opened in cinemas in July 10. Marvelous! The theme movie of my generation! If I had to name a mythology of romance for my generation it would be that trilogy. So I set Sunday afternoon for watching it with my sister, while also setting a couple of evenings beforehand to watch the first two movies.

Sunday arrived and I was like a child about to go on a field trip to Disneyland. Well I was. My own kind of Disneyland.

I met my bookseller friend in a cafe. He was late and I was too early. Which was perfect because I intended to get some writing done. I haven't written in a cafe for a long time, and it was such a glorious sunny morning, the cafe was half-empty, and there was this vintage jazzy music playing in the background. The other customers were quiet oldish people, not the usual crowd of noisy young things. Needless to say I felt right at home.

I took out my last Moleskine notebook (I have run out of stock) to write. I just have to say, I caught myself smiling many times at the sheer joy of the moment. In the past week there were little events that somehow perfected the trajectory of my life and I can feel the effect of it. Finding myself in that perfect spot on that perfect Sunday morning, I recognized the wisdom of the Universe and its infinite magic leading me to where I was. Most likely it was also where I needed to be. 

My dear friend arrived bearing my joys. Like a midyear Santa. A heavy bag of books and a heavy bag of Moleskine. He also brought a few vintage books I might be interested in (I was) and those were added to my loot.

I love vintage and old things, especially books. Look, this one survive through the war!

It was time to replenish my stocks. I am halfway through my last ruled Moleskine.

Then followed the kind of conversation that lifted one's spirits and refreshed one's faith in people and the world. Discussions about books, life decisions, the quality of paper, being independent, ideas and insights for improving our respective businesses, astronomy and mathematics, finding niches. An equal exchange without reservations or agenda, a connection that was effortless. I had missed it so very much.

We parted at lunchtime. I had a movie to catch. I also found out that another friend was joining me and my sister to the movie. Oh joy!

Before Midnight did not disappoint. I actually want to see it again and savor the words again. I didn't cry. Only almost. That part towards the end.

After the movie we had coffee and pastries at a nearby hotel. This time I was a content observer as my sister and our friend did most of the talking. But it was also one of those conversations that flowed naturally and without fear of misinterpretations or judgements. Then we went to my home to discuss options for framing my art works which I will be selling soon through another friend with a mobile vintage van (Doesn't that sound like a perfect way to start?) There were also some art and book discussions, analysis of men, women, and relationships, and a little history-digging for examples.

Brazo Bombs by The Legend Hotel. They taste like brazo de mercedes magicked into cream puffs. Very delicious!

The evening concluded with a light dinner. I started to feel tired and sleepy a little before ten. The adrenaline rush since the morning had finally worn off. I was happy. But my introvert self said, alright, time to draw back. If I had pushed myself more I would probably end up with a migraine. Oh, but make no mistake, it was the best Sunday I have ever had quite a long time.

I cleaned up, then tucked into bed with Sometimes The Magic Works. A fitting bedtime read for a beautiful day.

"I have decided, on reflection, it is best just to remember that sometimes the magic really works."
-Terry Brooks

How has the magic been working for you lately?

midyear review

Come with a whoop,and come with a call.
Come with a whole heart or not at all.
(Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I am on my third year of being independent from employed work. It has been a very rough road but every time I look back, even though there are a few tweaks I would like to have done, I never ever regretted the move to resign from a very lucrative employment.

Whenever I look back, what stand out are the shining moments of my rediscovery of my passions. The first time I painted after more than two decades. The first time I wrote a novel. The first time I acknowledged how much I love writing, reading, and making art after many years of believing that they were dispensable hobbies next to the career that everyone measured me with.

Last year the solo work got to a point that I was desperate. I was in danger of losing my home because I had missed payments. There were no projects for more than six months. I wished for a job.

This year the job came. And so did the projects. And I found myself in a quandary. But in the end I chose to be true to what I have become.

It sounds crazy. A steady, most likely very fat, paycheck given up for a continued life of financial roulette. All I had to do was say yes. But I said no.

It was not an easy decision. But my heart has been more vocal since I started on this particular journey and it would not give me peace. My mind came up with exquisite arguments, logical explanations of the hows which, I have always been told, should be left in the hands of the Universe. Logic can only take me so far. In the end, will I be happy? Will I wake up in the morning with optimism or with dread? Will I risk the joyful creative life I have started to build for a life that satisfied only the expectations of others?

At the hardest point of my contemplation, Neil Gaiman's The Ocean At The End Of The Lane presented itself like a sign. It had completely slipped my mind that it would be out already, and I stumbled into it on the way to a client meeting. A beacon amidst the turmoil of my own thoughts.

"How can you be happy in this world? You have a hole in your heart. You have a gateway inside you to lands beyond the world you know. They will call you, as you grow. There can never be a time when you forget them, when you are not, in your heart, questing after something you cannot have, something you cannot even properly imagine, the lack of which will spoil your sleep and your day and your life, until you close your eyes for the final time...you will die with a hole inside you, and you will wail and curse at a life ill-lived." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

The Year of True Paths is halfway through. After finally making that crucial decision I need to make a plan. Solid enough so I will be true to myself in the daily choices I make, loose enough to allow for the playful storytelling of the Universe. For instance, London. I know I want, I need, to be there. The how is not clear, but I can do my part every day in little ways. London is my love story now. Each day is a step closer to a happily ever after.

"...so I turned, randomly, down another road, and took a left, and a right. It was only then that I realized where I was going, where I had been going all along, and I grimaced at my own foolishness." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I heard it said, "When two points are destined to touch, even if a direct connection is impossible, the Universe will always find a way."

My heart tells me it is only a matter of time. And what of time? There is plenty. There is always enough. It is always perfect.

spilled

This homemade video spilled out of me today. I have been in a strange mood for the past few weeks, inundated by too much work and besieged by dreams.

The images in the video are approximations of what I see playing in my head. I hope to capture it better when I have the time after all the madness of this month.

The music I used is by A Fine Frenzy, a song titled "Swan Song".

s.h.

captured into words on 2 July 2013, while settling into bed for sleep

do more happy

Yes, yes, I should be working not sneaking another blog post.

But this particular project I am working on has been triggering all my inner alarms. It has even led me directly into an old Evernote entry where I made a first attempt to craft my Life Purpose according to Jack Canfield's Success Principles plus a host of other inspirational books.

My first attempt was true but trying too hard. It was unwieldy.

This time's attempt is clearer and it gave me that feeling of rightness.

And here it is : MY PURPOSE IS TO USE MY CREATIVITY AND IMAGINATION TO INSPIRE PEOPLE WITH STORIES AND IMAGES IN ORDER TO ENCOURAGE AN AUTHENTIC LIFE LIVED WITH MEANING AND MAGIC.

And you know what, it starts with the very example of my own life. Which brings me back as to why my inner alarms were sounding so loud. The path that I have been considering is not one that makes me feel happy or fulfilled. My logical mind can argue for its financial benefits but not much else. There is admirable leadership within that path but the day-to-day realities that will impact most on myself, my sanity, my purpose, are where the not-too-happy feeling is coming from.

A dear friend called me up from Indonesia the other day and she has given me a lot of good advice to think about. But one important thing she made me realize is appreciation for the amazingness that is my life right now. It may not pass social standards of a typical successful life but it does pass for the many people who have expressed their desire to be able to do what I did -- to take the captain's wheel of my life and navigate it through a temperamental sea. To be willing to throw so many things overboard. To leave the safe harbor.

It has not been an easy journey. I will admit that there were many many times I considered heading back to shore. 

But then every morning there is a beautiful sun that rises from the horizon, turning the water around me into gold.

novel in progress

My Derwent Inktense has opened up new ways of making art and creating illustrations for my fantasy novel which I started out last November via NaNoWriMo. I am in no rush to publish because I want it to be done well. I have decided it will be an illustrated novel and that I want it printed on "aged"-looking paper. Which means that actual printing will probably take a while and I will have to start with digital publishing if I want to get all the colors and images in. I will be self-publishing so I only have myself yelling at myself to get some work done everyday.

Here is the draft of my cover:

And here is my initial attempt at a map. I need one because the place is pure invention.

One of the key items in the story is an urn and I have imagined it to be this:

I find myself progressing faster when I added the illustration work alongside the writing. So it is like watching and listening at the same time and then somehow managing to take it all down on paper as the story unfolds. Rather tricky but also surprisingly motivating. The story feels more substantial because I have visual anchors. Besides, I have always loved the interplay between words and images and I am delighted to have the opportunity to use both in this story.

At some point I would like to be able to draw people because there are some scenes I would just love to portray. I can draw women but drawing men needs more practice. We'll see how that goes.

I might also begin on some illustrations for the poetry books and those I need to prioritize because they will be "released" ahead. By released I mean producing the book in high-quality PDF/e-book format and sharing a portion of the first volume for free, like a Kindle sample. Then the full volume can be available by order. I don't know yet how I will do the sharing and ordering but I guess I will just play it by ear.

What have you been up to lately?

a catch-up and then off i go

Hello! I must say that life has taken some subtle but significant turns for me these past couple of weeks. Most of it were triggered by me and my decisions to take charge of my life and to pull myself out of unhelpful default modes.

I am glad to say that I have overhauled the foundations of my life (I even took a two-day personal retreat to really ponder and plan on things) and while the house isn't finished, I know that I am standing on solid ground. I will write more about this particular journey in my next posts but for now I would like to share the peace of mind I have gained in simply making decisions and taking time to have clear strategies of executing them.

What are the decisions I have made? Many of these will sound so normal or ordinary, and some may even say ask why am I only thinking of these things now? Believe me, I have been plagued by these matters throughout my life but I have just always resorted to band-aid (short-term) solutions -- most of the time I never realized that I was just masking things and not really resolving them.

What made me make the decisions in the first place? Call it metaphysical unease. Call it life dissatisfaction. Call it fears about the future. Call it a hotpot of all plus more (maybe even throw in a scoop of midlife crisis). I found myself generally feeling like I should and could be doing more and making more happen. I also felt that I have not been operating at full potential. There were things I wanted but then I already knew they would not be enough because I used to have them before and my happinesses were often short-lived.

I found myself gravitating towards "inspirational" and "self-help" books that I would not have probably given a second glance before. I found myself re-reading books that once gave me useful directions but are now giving me new, more challenging tasks and at a deeper level. It was both a new experience and also a humbling one to learn/ re-learn the basics of everyday life. I thought I always knew what to do and most importantly I thought I always knew what I wanted. Maybe I did but I had forgotten quite early in my life, especially when society applauded me so much for being such a team player for doing what was expected and retail therapy masqueraded as my best friend.

So what decisions have I made?  I decided on what I really wanted. Without guilt. Without fears. I matched that with my desire for everlastingness -- my mark in the world, how I want to be remembered when I die. Surely I do not want a eulogy that goes something like "she was so smart she helped sell a billion packs of fruit juice."

I followed my heart in a meditative journey and we swam through the sludge of my history and past decisions. I encountered moments of epiphanies that fell by the wayside, hit and run casualties by the devil of distraction. I saw beggar dreams from my childhood hungry and ignored looking up at me expectantly. I saw the gravestones of lost opportunities, massacred by fear. I saw a wasteland choked with procrastination, discouragement, regret, distrust, anger. And fear. So much of the stuff is floating around, cloaked in so many colors and called by so many names.

But my heart knows what it wants and all I had to do was listen to it. And I must not judge it. And I must let go of my fears. I must not say "That's ridiculous, it's too difficult to do! It's not going to happen" or "Is that even possible?" or the worst of all "But what would other people say?"

So we mapped my history, rescued some dreams, cleaned up as best we could. We made note of what could still be changed and made peace with what could not. The hardest part was self-forgiveness. My heart did most of that. My mind was all sharp logic and skepticism.

Then we took out a fresh new piece of blank paper. This time, for the first time, I let my heart handle the cartography of my present and my future. So much unfamiliar territory yet also so much of what's familiar with new paths. So many tasks and challenges. So many commitments. So much faith required. And yet, I find myself starting to feel... better. So much better. And more certain. Clarity and purpose that are true to one's nature and attuned to one's heart are blessed things to have.

So that's where I am right now and what's been filling up my days on top of, beneath, and through the daily (new and improved) routines. No roller-coaster rides like the fleeting feelings of falling in love. Instead, a lively-enough pace that fills me with serenity, gratitude, and sprinkles of (rediscovered) magic.

Have a great day everyone!

as the year counts down to an end

I have to keep seeing the good so that all that is good is what will prevail. Never mind the worries that gnaw at untended corners of my mind (and the difficult-to-answer questions that nibble at my heart). The worries will always be there. The questions will always demand more answers. What is important is that I don't let them overtake and overwhelm me.

My very own hands are rediscovering their power in many many ways. My artist's spirit is stirring, shy still from having been pushed away and hidden like a stolen secret. Lately, the chains of definition that have weighed me down for almost two decades are finally crumbling into rust. I will define myself and I will be true.

My needs and wants have narrowed down to pinpoints of purpose, like constellations that map my journeys. Before, I simply wanted the whole sky, all its vastness and all its depth, because I was afraid that I would not be enough or have enough of anything.

My mind is finding new paths of thought. Recognizing solutions where there were none before. Unraveling stories that were previously just blank pages.

As for love, my heart, the tenderness within my warrior stance, the fairy tale that has been beaten and battered and bruised --- this one I have delegated to fairy godmothers and patron saints and angels.

getting ready for many things

Today is the third day for semi-cramming for the store on December 1. My sister and I have been trawling places for ideas and materials, including spending a day at our grandmother's to begin learning the basics on sewing.

Yesterday I dropped by my old office to pick up a late check (which will happily tide me over the holidays since projects seem to have disappeared after I finished the last one last week). I have always felt apprehensive about visiting because my life has changed so radically that I wasn't sure what to expect. I should really have more faith in my friends, my true friends. The warmth and joy and comfort that I gained achieved in a day what I have been struggling to for months.

There were also quite a few serendipitous news that only the wisdom of the universe would have the knack for manifesting. Gij will bring me goods to sell over the weekend, while those whom I've told about the shop (for which my sis and I finally have a name- yay! I will reveal it next post complete with design) expressed excitement and wholehearted support and faith in my abilities to pull it off.

JenI will soon be JenS because she had become engaged. Another close friend, Tatt, also got engaged. Gij and JenI made me sit on the "lucky" chair and made me rub their engagement rings so I could pick up on the engagement energies. I really have no idea how that is going to work but by this time, I will be a fool if I still dare to question the Big Scheme of Things. Especially in the light of certain things that must be done which makes the whole idea of engagement any time soon seemingly improbable.

Anyway, I shall get ready for the day now. Will try to have photos put up soon on what I've been busy with.

Have a great day!

a slightly supernatural tale on halloween night

In January of 2007 I was sent to India with another senior member of my team to help train some people in the New Delhi office. We stayed in a Hilton hotel called The Trident and it was the first time I flew business class.

Part of the work was visiting some middle-class Indian households and in one such household we met an astrologer who was well-known in the area. People flocked to him for readings. Since we were there, we decided to give it a try.

My companion and friend, G, had a boyfriend at that time and they were okay. But the astrologer said that she will not be marrying that boyfriend. He also said that she will meet her husband-to-be through something that is transportation-related, and that she will get married in the month of September. He said she will be rich and happy.

They all came true. Almost to the letter.

For my part, I have yet to wait for my destiny, or path, to manifest itself. I have already forgotten a lot of the details but mine had to do with spring -- either I meet my husband-to-be at that time or he becomes my boyfriend or I get proposed to within that period. The astrologer also said that India, or something Indian, will have something to do with my knowing when it is time or when it is the One.

He also said I will have a happy marriage and I will be rich, but not as rich as G because I shop too much.

I wonder.

last-minute magic

I was bracing myself for not going. There was no way I can swing it.

As I cleaned and cleared my closet and dusted off my travel bag, a memory surfaced. There is this one project that I have shelved in my head but which still owes me a decent amount of money. I could get paid for it within November if I push hard enough for the project implementation (I have not pushed hard enough because I never liked pushing anyone into anything except maybe pushing myself). On the other hand, I realized that if I am going to be serious about making proper money from this business I should level up my aggressiveness a few notches.

So I remembered that project. And if I just do a couple of days' intense revisions to the materials I could push for a project implementation closer to my terms but which will benefit both parties. Hence it will not be too much of a stressful thing.

And if I am able to push for that project I can get paid. Then that gap in my budget which prevents me from crossing over to helping the trip happen can be filled enough to make me manage.

I did not practice kendo to reserve my energies for work and preparations. I scoured the Internet for hotels and I found a good promo deal from a 4-star hotel right along Nathan Road and right within the area of one of the walking tours that my sister and I want to do. We filled up the forms, reviewed options, changed our minds, searched, repeated the process, repeated it again, and lingered over the "confirm" button until we decided to press it together by 8:30 in the evening.

Then it was just the spending money, of which we need just a little because we were willing to survive on 7-eleven meals.

Our dear, dear friend Peter Paul got wind of our plans and casually mentioned he had some Hong Kong dollars stowed away. He offered to lend it to us, let us use it, and have us pay only for the exact amount we actually consume so we don't have to spend any extra for foreign exchange (of course we return all the extra dollars to him).

And that solves our daily cash dilemma. We have more than enough for meals, getting around and a few cups of good tea or coffee. Most of the time we intend to do walking tours, read in the parks, maybe visit a museum, take lots of photographs, write in our journals, and simply savor the deliciousness of being someplace else. This will be a strictly super-budget trip and I would like to see how savvy we can be on the thinnest of shoestrings. Maybe you can pick up a trick or two later on.

With everything being last-minute, I am now on a deadline to get packed and fully prepared, plus take care of some work details like emails to clients to remind them that I will be out for the week. Flight is at 5:40AM tomorrow.

I'm still not absorbing the fact yet 100%. But I will be going to Hong Kong tomorrow with my sister. Yaaaay!!!

my life list

I have been greatly inspired by the life lists of Carolyn, sfgirlbybay and Mighty Girl. Here I wrote my own, with one little item already crossed out (Yay!).

 
Some are big, some are small. Some are quite easy, a few will probably require finding a genie in a bottle or maybe a fairy godmother. Looking through my list after writing them, I began to see patterns that made me smile as I realized where I am heading and who and what I am growing into. I certainly never imagined I would ever find myself along this particular path. Not even five years ago.

Maybe I will change some items as I go along, or maybe even add to the list and make it 150 instead of 100. One thing for sure, there is still so much to do with this life, so much to look forward to, so much to learn. Late bloomer I may be, but I will blooming long after many have decided to call it a day, or a life.

I would love to read your life lists. Let me know if you have one. :)