creative storm

Pushed to the brink and dangled over the edge of the abyss, I was left with no choice but to put uncertain hands on blank pages. Soul took over as soon as I relaxed my death grip on reason. I was starving on so many levels but as the pages filled with color and images and words, a sweet delicious taste flooded me and drowned all my inner censors and doubts.

a universe of hope

I had a really bad case of insomnia last night. I was only able to fall asleep at almost 5AM. I suspect it was the sudden surge of creative energy. First it was the Ganesh drawing. Then my fingers were still itching so I made another collage. I started on a third but I was already too tired from the long day of work so I made myself go to bed. And had insomnia.

This morning the first thing I did after making myself a fresh cup of coffee was to continue the third collage. This time it's a combination of images and text.

The text came from a journal entry that I actually do not clearly remember writing. It was written while I was in Hong Kong and I'm guessing I must have written it while I was very very tired and I was just probably taking dictation from the writing muse inside me. When I read it, it feels like reading somebody else's writing. A bit weird, actually, hahaha. I picked this piece of text because it best reflected the sentiments coming from the images I have put together. Also, the fact that I could not exactly remember writing the text adds a bit of otherworldly feel to the whole piece.

The paper folds in from the sides like a window. So when it is opened, one is greeted by a forest of words and flowers.

The full text goes:

Today there was the touching of the hand. Naturally, like it has always been done. Today there were many tiny boundaries crossed. But much more remain un-breached. And still so many walls up.


Sometimes I am on the verge of being overwhelmed. Mostly by the yearning to be near.


I have ten thousand stories lined up in my head. Simple and complex variations on how it could be.


I dreaded these days. The long mornings, afternoons, and evenings of getting to know him. Of getting used to the rhythms of his presence just as I am used to my own breathing.


Sometimes I am suffused with the simple joy of his attention. And sometimes I am crushed by the little ways he does not see me.


Often I would question myself on the spot, at various moments, testing the waters of my own feelings. How do I feel at that exact point in time? There would be times when there is nothing, and I would feel relief. There would be times when there is yearning, and I would feel sadness. There would be times when there is a black void of possibility and I would feel fear. And sometimes there would be moments of very brief flashes of something akin to love and I would feel a warmth and a joy in my heart and a small part of my soul would reach out to him, an unseen hand touching his face in that tender way that lovers do.


Sometimes I get to convince myself that it is all nothing. That it was just the product of inconvenient circumstances and predefined conditions. Nothing fateful, just logic. There is no magic, no fairy tale. 


And then he does something, a little thing, the tiniest gesture. And all that nothing becomes a universe of hope.



****
And now I can feel a fourth piece simmering on my fingertips. Who turned on the inspiration faucet? Not that I'm complaining. :)

unearthed

An old collage I made sometime in early 2000. I can't even find the original file anymore.

I hope to revive this creative artform in my daily life again. :)

busy turning work into play

I have this Other Business. It's actually my first business since I left regular employment and at first I thought that was going to be it forever. Like it was going to be the work that defines me. But as you would have seen in the past few months it will not be the only thing that will take my time and effort, if at all.

However, I also recognize that you cannot (although some will probably say you can) just let go of something you have built from scratch into something significant for sixteen years. There is also the reality that it is what is feeding me and my family right now. And I don't dislike it. It's just that sometimes it reeks too much of work -- the kind that eats up your life and leaves no room for anything else. I went solo to get away from that but then last year taught me that it was not that easy.

So what I tried to do for the whole day yesterday ( and will continue today) is to revisit the plans for the Other Business and to redefine it. I want to integrate it into my now-blooming creative and crafty life instead of allowing it to bully everything else out of the way. In the process it will also help the business acquire a better and stronger identity and purpose, thus be able to also offer better service.

I got a lot of useful help from the book The Right Brain Business Plan -- and I wish I found it two years ago! Its style appealed and resonated with me because of my strong creative side. The questions in the book had me writing non-stop and I filled at least fifty pages of my planning journal in long-hand!

I encountered a few roadblocks though and had to seek the advice of my sister. We talked for a few hours last night to work those out and I got some initial ideas on how to resolve them.

the cover of my planning journal. My Creative Work Matters!

a favorite quote from the book Socrates Cafe by Christopher Phillips

some images and ideas that I'd love to translate into my work

I've always been a National Geographic fan and I've always been inspired by their work - the photography, the writing, the intentions, passions, ---everything. I would like to be able to embody similar values in my business to make it more aligned with how I want to live my life as a whole.

Integrating the business into my creative life and my financial needs and where I want to go was one of the difficult parts. The kind of work I do for the business can be taxing on so many levels so I need to figure out a way so I will not be overwhelmed. I really don't like the feeling of toiling through days just to get to pay the bills!  (Thank God for Good Clients who are great to work with and who appreciate the work.) 

I wish to continue to reform myself because the workaholic sometimes slips back in. I also need to have more trust that good projects will come as needed and there is no need to compromise on my standards (or my fees!) just because I'm worried I might not make it to next month's bills. I want to be able to push for the values and identity that I want my business to have and those are what will help it grow big than if I just subsisted on compromises.

These are some of the fun stuff from the Right Brain book. I'm doing some of them today and the rest will be for over the weekend. So yes I will be busy!

I got this beautiful quote from Twitter this morning:

"If your work is play, you will never get tired. If you make everything a play time, you don't need to work at all!" (Swami Satchidananda)

Have a great work/play day!

creative status : will start something.

I've been yapping about getting creative and crafty since October but I feel that I have progressed very little and have barely scratched the surface of things.

I have completed Holly Becker's BYW class -- that's a big something at least -- and have greatly improved how my blog works (in my humble opinion). Some noteworthy items : 1) photography quality, editing, size, and layouts 2) font types and sizes 3) color schemes 4) blog header 5) social networks 6) weekly features 7) more consistent voice (I think) 8) special features such as my life list and twelve by 2012.

Today I intend to start on my creative journals. I discovered though that I had disposed of a lot of my materials when I went on a series of cleaning and clutter-clearing frenzies a few months back. I only have a very small handful of magazines and art materials available, but I will make a start with them and see how it goes.

Meanwhile, here are some snapshots from the old journals I have made through the years.

I missed making these! I could spend hours happily putting stuff together. I have also found this activity very therapeutic and it has actually helped me process my thoughts. :)