something new

A new blog that evolves from this one -- more exploratory and also more specific themes: writing, making art, following one's bliss, daily life lessons, among others.

There are also new works posted in my art blog:

simmering

like a cauldron bubbling
not so much trouble
but maybe a potful of delight and dreams

The year of true paths is winding towards an end. So much have been learned, most in very painful ways. But I am still here, surviving the consequences of choices and random acts of courage.

There have been losses in so many ways. My head still reels when memory marches before me a string of small tragedies and disappointments and failures long enough to strangle the breath out of anyone with a weaker spirit.

But yes, I believe my spirit is much stronger than it ever was.

As this year ends what is left is clarity.  It has swept through every aspect of my life and shooed away the shadows, forcing me to see.

I end this year better than I ended last year. In a manner of speaking. It is all a matter of perspective. I choose to see it as better.

2013: The Year Of True Paths

I woke up very late today because I got home at almost four in the morning. My sister and I spent the first couple of hours of the new year watching Sense And Sensibility and taking good lessons from Jane Austen.

When I got home I was still very much awake and had to read myself to sleep, which meant that it must have been almost five in the morning. In keeping with one of the themes I intend to embrace this new year, I progressed through The Jane Austen Guide To Happily Ever After.

I changed my curtains into a sunshiny polka-dotted piece in the hopes of attracting money energies. At this point, every little bit will help, as far as I am concerned.

In the evening, I dared to spend a little bit of cash to treat my family out to dinner. It has been a long while since we could afford to celebrate by eating out in a nice restaurant. But I figured, it is the new year, and the energies are fresh and hopes are recharged. We went to a place we have not tried but which promised delicious celebratory comfort food. We had traditional dishes of crispy pata and kare-kare with steamed rice. We were served a complimentary basket of crispy delicious cracklings while we waited for the meal to be served.

Before leaving the house for dinner though, I finished a piece that was inspired by a private joke and secret among myself, my sister, and a common girl friend.

When I got home after dinner, I did one last journal page and admired my own handiwork. Love will be taken seriously this year, in all its forms and expressions. I will not be embarrassed by it, nor will I treat it like an afterthought.

2013 will be a Year of True Paths. After the rebirths of the previous year, it is now the time to nurture what have been reborn and rediscovered. To let these, by their nature, invite the right kind of people, opportunities, events, and experiences. The true ones that will nurture my own spirit and happiness. True friends, true loves, true passions. There will certainly be a lot of walking, aching feet, occasionally getting delayed by either hunger or exhaustion, maybe sometimes putting off the forward march by a day (but never more than a day). There may even be some doubling back, because of something forgotten or something missed. A loose end slipping out that must be cut clean. But always, always, it will all end with moving forward, even if it means leaving things and even people behind (like when they don't wish to walk with you nor catch up with you nor carry their own weight in the journey.) 

In moving forward I hope to see new places, meet new people (even if it is seeing the same old people in a new light that will forge deeper relationships), gain beautiful new experiences that will bring new lessons (or new ways of learning old ones). I hope to learn new things, to discover side journeys that will help me grow, and also I hope to be something new and something true to other people. I hope to be a true friend, and when the Universe says it is time, a true love. 

What true path will you be walking this year?

The Gifts of 2012

This old year coming to an end has fulfilled its purpose in my life. Today, on its last day, I want to write something for many reasons -- to end this year with awareness instead of just letting it slip by, to have a post to read on the same day next year, to set my mind and my heart for the new year, and most especially to be grateful for the gifts that this year has given me.

I had thought 2011 to be like a dark tunnel as it led to the Rebirth promised by 2012. Little did I realize that the Rebirth was to be accompanied by intense labor pains that came in overwhelming waves. But with every push there was an aspect of myself that breathed into life.

I wrote a novel. That perhaps is the biggest gift I am grateful for. My rebirth as a writer. I won the NaNoWriMo challenge at the first try and have unlocked the rusted gates of my storytelling.

In addition, I have also written more profusely than ever since I lost my muses sometime way back in the early 2000.

I painted and made art more than I have ever painted and made art in that past sixteen years. I have also invested in a watercolor painting and a photography workshop to help with my creativity.

I have finally regained my reading pace (which I also lost sometime in the early 2000) and met my target of finishing 24 books this year. I have even exceeded it and am close to doubling the number.

I have authenticated the relationships in my life ---letting go of those that harm me and those that inhibit my growth. I have made my peace with those worth keeping, and I have begun to be more nurturing of those I wish to keep and evolve. I have also reached out and forged new ones so that I may deepen and expand my own web of kindred spirits. I made choices and I made decisions on whom I want to share my life with.

I have fallen in love, then out, then in again, (all with the same person) which has certainly messed up my heart's landscape like a hurricane. But in the process I learned new lessons that I never managed to learn in my past heart stories. I am officially retired from leaping "bravely" and blindly into voids without nets, because one of the most important lesson I learned is that when it is truly meant to be, I will not be leaping alone (and Gandalf's friendly eagles will be swooping down in perfect timing to catch us). This year ends with me in love and not totally immune to imagining movie-like last-minute declarations of mutual affection.

I have gained clarity on my career and how it must complement my creative life. And making it work is probably the biggest challenge I will face in the coming year. The rebirth it brought me took me back to square one, on a different playing field, but square one nonetheless. I pray for fortitude, and bucketfuls of optimism.

I have achieved a calmness of spirit that I never could before. I will dare and say that I am even finally learning to be truly patient, and sometimes I can't help but think that the moment I grasp this one single lesson of being patient then everything else will fall into place, because all this time it has only been my stubbornness that has been keeping everything on hold. Who knows. I let go and let the Universe weave its magic and I will not utter a single question of "Is it here yet?"

Have I mentioned that I have fallen in love? Oh yes, I have. More than everything else this is the matter that dangles in front of my eyes as the year draws to a close, like a teasing mistletoe hanging in a roomful of couples where I am the only one without a partner, and the clock will soon strike twelve.

I end this post with a poem, in honor of the rebirth of my writer self, in honor of the creative spirit that dwells in me, and in honor of the love that inspired it, written for him who told me something about how love is like a dance between two people. Maybe one day I will know what it exactly means.

Happy New Year Everyone!

5 things i want to learn in 2012

On top of all the things I want to do more of, there are a few new things I want to learn. These have been on my list since late last year but had to be put off to make way for the first trials with the shop and the settling in into the whole crafty lifestyle.

I am not yet sure how I will go about learning these. Maybe online classes, or buying tons of books and self-studying, or being lucky enough to find an affordable and accessible class that I could actually enroll in. I have an aunt and a grandma who can help out with a couple of the items but their availability will be tricky. So any help to point me to options will be most welcome!


Printing my own Design on Fabric

For this I am very inspired by untoldimprint. There are also colors and pattern combinations that I could only find in my head and not in the shops. And if I do find them in the shops then it would cost me a fortune.

I would also like to learn it closer to the old-fashioned way instead of just using an ink-jet printer or special gadgets. Silk screen printing is something that often comes up and I have come across it in one of my high school home economics class although we were never really allowed to touch screen nor fabric.

untoldimprint

silkscreen and scribble

Knitting

This is such a granny (worse, old maid) thing to do and I know I would probably not escape being needled (pun intended) about it. But then I would point these people to the blogs of really cool girls who knit. I mean, it doesn't have to be an "old lady" thing with all its related associations of being a recluse and surrounded by cats and all the other granny cliches  -- and by the way have you seen my ninety-year-old grandma? She defies most definitions of how ninety-year-old grandmas "should" be. :D

from art equals happy

Making Quilts/ Patchwork

I have two quilt-style skirts and I've always wanted a quilt for my bed. I just love the whole idea of having all the colors and patterns I want in one piece all at the same time! I once saw this really beautiful bed quilt at a thrift shop but it was being sold at Php5000. I could see why it could be worth that but it's supposed to be a THRIFT shop!

e-course by smile and wave

Dressmaking

I am particularly interested in recreating and reviving vintage patterns. Almost all of my clothes now are thrifted or vintage -- another move to help mother earth by recycling even with my wardrobe. Learning to make my own clothes will also support local fabric suppliers and significantly lessen the cost involved in each piece. I also don't have to make do with whatever fashion style is in vogue (which often lately only flatters skinny girls).

from Style Hive

It has also been difficult to find perfect fitting pretty skirts that don't cost a leg (and sometimes also an arm). So it would be great to just make them myself (and everything will be a flattering A-line!).

from grevilleadesign at etsy

Learn Adobe Illustrator

From handmade to digital - yes, I know. But this one I want so I can do nice prints for decor and gifts and maybe eventually for selling. I am particularly inspired by the art in Anna Johnson's Savvy Chic, the art of Nick Bantock, and Barbara Hodgson. It will probably be a mix of actual handcrafted collage and drawings which will then be further enhanced and polished by Illustrator. In any case, I would like to be able to reproduce some pieces and also be able to print them in various sizes for various use.

Anna Johnson 

Well, good luck to me! On top of everything, I have to do the Other Job so I will earn money for food and shelter and craft materials. But it's 2012! It's a much better year and there are more than three hundred fresh, possibility-filled, magic-imbued days ahead! ^_^

second day, more happy

It's the second day of the new year and the first day back to work for most people.

I do have a research project to do (my original business) for the first couple of months of this year but I am pacing it better this time. So today I only checked emails and did updates to my partner supplier and my accountant. I will slide in slowly into project mode by tomorrow afternoon.

Today I did a few errands to the bank and then I went with my mom to visit my grandma. It's actually a new year visit plus I just had this urge to see her. She was so happy to see me and we had a long conversation during which she told me about how she amazed everyone at the Senior Citizens' Christmas Party by dancing the cha-cha. She also gave me and my sister a lot of fabric scraps, buttons, beads, and a belt hole puncher for our craft projects. Then she gave me chocolates and an apple and an orange, and a pair of pink slippers -- I actually felt like a child as my arms grew fuller with all the goodies and I felt very very happy.

Since she has given me so much already, I insisted on buying and paying for one of the handmade decors she has for sale. She insisted in turn to sell at a ridiculous price. I got this very pretty decorative container which I placed on my entrance table.

Made from recycled softdrink bottle, plastic flowers and a very cute doll. The doll's dress is also handmade by my grandma.

My grandma made me think about maybe having a very small birthday party on my birthday next month. If ever, it will be seriously small, like really close friends and family. And it will be vintage-themed so my grandma can dance her cha-cha. We'll see. :)

On the way home I dropped by the supermarket to pick up cat food and was literally overjoyed to see that the supermarket has shifted from plastic to paper bag. The supermarket personnel are also encouraging customers to buy reusable eco bags. I already brought mine so the supermarket person actually pointed to my bag which was being filled with my purchases to illustrate the usefulness of the eco-bag.

Things are looking good. ^__^

a happy new year's day

My first day of the new year had been full and happy.

My mom and my sis visited me in my newly redecorated home and they stayed until dinnertime. My mom was coming down with a cold and the threat of a fever but she really enjoyed the visit and appreciated the conversations. I also loved the fact that I didn't have to spend the whole new year's day by myself.

my mom, my sister, and being-difficult-Mogget

In addition to making my first craft of the year, which was a love vision board, I also designed the covers of my new journals for 2012 -- my idea notebook and my life list notebook -- which will be filled with inspiration and goals and the raw materials of all the happy stories and events that I look forward to this year.

I also received my copy of Toffee magazine which got me really excited to craft and make wonderful, pretty, and useful things with my hands and my imagination. I discovered this magazine through my crafty sister.

Before I went to bed last night I did a final check on my Twitter and saw a post by Neil Gaiman sharing his wife's blog post. His wife, Amanda Palmer, wrote this very long but very nice post about their wedding and there were a lot of things she wrote that I could relate to. The post also showed a side of her that I was happy to see because I am such a Neil Gaiman fan and I want him to be happy and blessed in his own life especially with all the beautiful stories that he has shared through his books. I went to bed feeling warm and inspired and hopeful. I believe that the old year has taken with it the worst of things because I feel light-hearted and optimistic when I woke up this morning.

How was your first day of the new year? 

first craft for the year : a love vision board

Ten years ago this will probably be the last thing I would ever think to make. Fifteen years ago you would not even be able to make me come near anything pink, hearts, or romantic. Well, I guess we all went through our own versions of emo in our much younger days. Did you ever celebrate an anti-Valentine day on Valentine's Day?

It's quite funny because I was actually born on Valentine's Day. I resented that fact for quite a number of years. I was a wallflower. The unchosen nerd-girl. The weird girl. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was almost thirty.

I fell in love with and pursued a handful of guys (yes, I was brave that way and I paid the price in too many heartbreaks). All were unrequited until one, and then another, finally stopped long enough to take notice.

But two boyfriends later I am now again single. Took me a while to learn that there is only so much I can do to make anyone fall in love with me and be a true partner and the best way is actually not to do anything! Just focus on becoming your best self and be true to what makes you happy. When your real self shines then the real right person will recognize you and before you know it -- happily ever after.

So I start this year with a love vision board. Out of a piece of illustration board, some decorative papers, and print outs of happy inspiring photos of real happy couples from the internet (yes, it sounds a bit stalker-ish but it is only for personal positive use), I created a vision of love and partnership. More than the beauty of the images I also chose them based on the stories and values they tell me. A main feature of the board is the love life of Elsie Larson of A Beautiful Mess who is currently my number one inspiration on so many aspects of my life.

I have also added touches of my dream wedding theme. Just to make it clearer and to remind me of what each element represents for me.

So call me corny or mushy but I still believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters.

2012 : the Year of Rebirth

I have mentioned in a previous post that for the past four years I have picked up on themes for each new year. This new year brings with it a Year of Rebirth, a fitting follow-through to this old year's return to one's roots. After making peace with the past, our histories, and the consequences of old decisions, we are now ready to move forward and to face life with a fuller heart and a fuller spirit. More whole. A renewed self continues the journey of life.

2011 has been like a dark tunnel for me, with only the glimpses of light at its end spurring me on. Emerging, finally, from a labyrinth of trials and challenges I am like a child emerging from the womb. While I may be more vulnerable in my raw self I have also regained a sense of wonder and joy and magic. I am also now stronger in other ways, and with a clearer purpose. My life's compass has found its north and I am now somehow getting better at making new maps and charting courses for my journeys. I have given up some things in the process but I believe that what I will gain later on will be much much more.

Here are the little embryos and seedlings of 2011 that are waiting to emerge fully in 2012. While I have been doing a few of them for many years it is only in the past year that I have re-evaluated how they are contributing to my living a fulfilled and authentic life. For some, it is only in the past year that I have been able to actually do anything tangible. The old year has been both a painful and enriching experience.

more Crafting and Creative Journeys

The rediscovery of my passions has been a major event for me. While the actual process was slow and at times even excruciating, the reward of knowing where I really want to go and what I really want to do is simply priceless. The new year presents a daunting task of being true to what I love but I trust that my heart will show me every way and that the Universe always helps those who seek with the soul.

a Happier and more Inspired Home

As part of my practice of authenticity, I embrace who I am and my home now reflects myself instead of hiding and camouflaging who I am. I open myself to kindred spirits and invite love and friendships and opportunities. I surround myself with inspiration and seek to inspire others as well through example.

a more Discerning and Patient Heart

After two decades I finally learn the lesson of patience and keeping still. While I acknowledge my own strengths and powers to shape my life, I could not shape the heart of others. But by being true to myself then everything else will follow and there will be no need to yearn or to strive or to scheme. The how of fairy tales has always been in the domain of the Universe. All I have now is the faith that there is a happily ever after unfolding before me.

Knowing and Doing What Really Matters

I was supposed to do a monthly highlight in photos for 2011 but I realized that there are huge gaps in my journals and photo albums because of being enslaved by work and the need for money. I do not dismiss the necessity of money but I should never lose sight of why I gave up my easy access to it two years ago. If I calm myself down I will see that help is sent at exactly the perfect time. There is no need to waste time and energy fretting and worrying. Instead I should channel those time and energy into creating and loving. I also learned that compromising out of despair (such as accepting work for less than adequate fees just to have something) never works in the long run. It takes its toll on the heart and the spirit and derails me from my true journey.

Valuing Family and True Friends

The number of people who actually greeted me and sent me gifts this Christmas have gone down to a number that I could count with my two hands. On the other hand, I have strengthened and deepened the bonds of the few and precious that have actually remained. Going back to my family roots and reviving my relationships with my cousins, aunts, and especially my grandmother have added substance to the core of my self -- particularly because they make up the ancestral tree of my creativity.

more Earth-Conscious Living

I read a story somewhere about a man who would walk down the beach at low tide and he would pick up stranded starfish and throw them back to the sea to save them. Another man told him that there are too many and he would not be able to save all and it would not make a difference. The man who was saving the starfish picked one up and threw it to the water and said "Well, it sure made a difference to that one."

That's how I want to look at my own little efforts to live an earth-friendly lifestyle. Every little thing counts. It will all count.

more Meaningful Travels

What I now lack in travel budget I make up for in meaning and memories. Instead of coming home with a bag full of shopping that I mostly bought on impulse, I now come home with a camera full of photos capturing every mundane moment turned magical.

a Stronger Spirit (and body!), a Braver Heart

The greatest challenge of my life so far and I am amazed that I have not given up on kendo. I will be taking the exam on February and it is something that I both want and don't want. It terrifies me. I hate it. It reveals me in all my weaknesses including the worst of it, my physical weakness. It crushes me in ways that nothing else can. But I know that on my death bed I will be regretting it if I gave up. So I will not give up. (God help me.) 

a Daily Life of Simple Joys, and Contentment without Compromise

Calmness, simplicity, honesty. No unnecessary indulgences but no deprivations. Taking care of myself as much as I take care of others. No more guilt. No more self-recrimination. No need to acquire possessions to masquerade as accomplishments. I will create what I need and what I want. As much as it is in my power. I will dispose of what I don't need and what I don't want. I will keep only what is essential, what keeps me true. The rest I leave in the hands of the Universe. 

Happy new year everyone!

redecorating : making more progress

I got a good amount of cleaning, clearing, and redecorating done even with a sore back. I just avoided anything too strenuous and I remembered to do stretches during my breaks.

Today I did portions of the kitchen, dining area, work area, and the bathroom, plus I finished up the entrance area (a semblance of it, at least, since I have a tiny, tiny, studio).

These matchboxes were souvenirs from Beijing given by a friend. I love the cat images and decided to put them on display on the entrance table. The Welcome Home is a fitting message!

I dressed up the side of the refrigerator with light fabric to create the illusion of a wall instead of an appliance. It also effectively separates the kitchen from the entrance way. The flowery plastic container is made of a recycled and repurposed softdrinks bottle, handcrafted by my grandmother. The glass bowl on the left is a gift from another friend and holds an assortment of hard candy. The round decorative piece on the right is a tealight holder, yet another gift.

This recharging station used to be white which had become stained with stubborn dirt. I cleaned and repainted it and is now an attractive piece. This recharging station has been made to order for only Php700, patterned after a similar piece from Pottery Barn.

I covered these shelf doors with an old stock of French Provincial designed giftwrappers. Again another case of putting on display things that would otherwise be hidden and gathering dust and most likely to be forgotten.

The bathroom finally gets its turn. I disposed of anything I haven't used for the past six months. I cleaned my makeup brushes and devised a way to display and organize my flower clips.  Fabric coverings made everything look even more cleaned up and organized, not to mention bright and happy.

This is it. My whole stock and repertoire of personal care products (only a handful not in the photo because they are kept in the shower area). I used to have about three to four times as much when I was younger and used to shop with abandon. At least a quarter of the items here are gifts.

My trinkets. Hair accessories, rings, and earrings. And yes I only have two bottles of perfume. Necklaces are in the closet (which is next in line for redecorating).

I don't think I will get to finish the fixing and redecorating 100% by the time the new year comes along. But it will be a nice thought that the new year came in with most already done. Always looking at the bright side. :)

2011: the Year of Return, a summary

For the past four years I have been "picking up" certain themes and energies from each year as it begins. It started with 2008 which was the Year of Shifting. 2009 was the Year of Resolution (especially after the mostly unexpected shifts of the previous year). 2010 was the Year of Harvest (as a result of decisions made from the previous). This year, 2011, is the Year of Return.

The Year of Return is about taking stock of where life is for you right now, the things that you have done, and where you want to go next. It is about acknowledging your own histories, especially the realities and lessons they have brought into your life. If there is anything you have refused to accept or recognize for all this time, then now is a good chance to make peace with everything and everyone, including yourself. It is also a time to forgive, again including yourself.

The Return can take many forms, from the most simple and mundane to the most surprising and spectacular. I have seen it manifested among family and friends -- husbands returning to wives they have left for so many years, families renewing bonds, younger generations finally looking back and recognizing the wisdom of the older. It could be as symbolic as returning to one's roots -- digging through histories and stories to find the seeds that feed who you are and who you have been, who you will be. It could be simple acts of revisiting places, getting in touch with old friends, even opening one's souvenir box and remembering what you used to love and what used to make you happy.

But the Return does not stop at the mere remembrance. It also demands recognition, acceptance, and integration into the Now. For to move forward you have to be whole, and to be whole you have to bring within you both your light and your shadow.

For my part, here is how the Year of Return has shaken my life (there will be separate posts for each so do visit again as the links become activated):

• Rediscovering and Re-embracing my Passions

• Finding my way back to Family and Re-evaluating my Friendships

• Reuniting with my Shadow Self

• Going back to the Simple Life and rediscovering Simple Joys

• Becoming Single again and Re-evaluating my Needs and Priorities

• Strengthening bonds with Mother Earth, return to Basics

With all of these "returns" I feel like I have gone through a major Soul Scrub that peeled away all that is unnecessary and unhelpful for me. While it remains that I want so many things to do and and to have, what changed is the nature of those things that I want to do and to have. They have better foundations now and hopefully also stronger cores that will help me barrel through challenges.

The returns have also helped me lessen my blind spots as I move forward. I will make decisions based on the right reasons and not because of pettiness or a tantrum or even vengefulness. I also choose to be happy, given all the realities of what I have been. where I have been, and the things that I have done. If there will be times when I need to walk through a shadowed path then I aim to be able to do so with grace and patience and optimism. The new year will not always be easy, but I intend to face every single day with hope and faith.

How has 2011 manifested for you?