a walking dead

No, I am not very coherent today. It's Saturday. The first Saturday of the year. Which also means the first kendo practice day of the year. I am numb. I am floating. Then I am also apprehensive. And deep deep deep down inside I am paralyzed by worry and fear. You see, I have to do this exam thing at the end of February so from today until we fly off for the exam, I am dreading two months of training torment.

And don't even get me started on rumors going around about participating in a tournament.

I can't even begin to think about passing the exam.

And before any of those I am very concerned about whether I will be able to physically withstand all of it. I have been regularly doing yoga (for a measly week, but I'm keeping at it and believing in miracles) but I have not yet really gone into the whole mad devote-hours-to-practice thing.

Which of course makes me think why I am doing this in the first place. I started it because there was a time I was so crazy about anime and Japanese culture and I was so in love with Kurosaki Ichigo.

And now, four years later, I am somehow still doing it but I kinda lost sight and feeling of why.

On the other hand I cannot seem to just let it go. (Maybe I just don't want to be called quitter.)

Go figure.

busy turning work into play

I have this Other Business. It's actually my first business since I left regular employment and at first I thought that was going to be it forever. Like it was going to be the work that defines me. But as you would have seen in the past few months it will not be the only thing that will take my time and effort, if at all.

However, I also recognize that you cannot (although some will probably say you can) just let go of something you have built from scratch into something significant for sixteen years. There is also the reality that it is what is feeding me and my family right now. And I don't dislike it. It's just that sometimes it reeks too much of work -- the kind that eats up your life and leaves no room for anything else. I went solo to get away from that but then last year taught me that it was not that easy.

So what I tried to do for the whole day yesterday ( and will continue today) is to revisit the plans for the Other Business and to redefine it. I want to integrate it into my now-blooming creative and crafty life instead of allowing it to bully everything else out of the way. In the process it will also help the business acquire a better and stronger identity and purpose, thus be able to also offer better service.

I got a lot of useful help from the book The Right Brain Business Plan -- and I wish I found it two years ago! Its style appealed and resonated with me because of my strong creative side. The questions in the book had me writing non-stop and I filled at least fifty pages of my planning journal in long-hand!

I encountered a few roadblocks though and had to seek the advice of my sister. We talked for a few hours last night to work those out and I got some initial ideas on how to resolve them.

the cover of my planning journal. My Creative Work Matters!

a favorite quote from the book Socrates Cafe by Christopher Phillips

some images and ideas that I'd love to translate into my work

I've always been a National Geographic fan and I've always been inspired by their work - the photography, the writing, the intentions, passions, ---everything. I would like to be able to embody similar values in my business to make it more aligned with how I want to live my life as a whole.

Integrating the business into my creative life and my financial needs and where I want to go was one of the difficult parts. The kind of work I do for the business can be taxing on so many levels so I need to figure out a way so I will not be overwhelmed. I really don't like the feeling of toiling through days just to get to pay the bills!  (Thank God for Good Clients who are great to work with and who appreciate the work.) 

I wish to continue to reform myself because the workaholic sometimes slips back in. I also need to have more trust that good projects will come as needed and there is no need to compromise on my standards (or my fees!) just because I'm worried I might not make it to next month's bills. I want to be able to push for the values and identity that I want my business to have and those are what will help it grow big than if I just subsisted on compromises.

These are some of the fun stuff from the Right Brain book. I'm doing some of them today and the rest will be for over the weekend. So yes I will be busy!

I got this beautiful quote from Twitter this morning:

"If your work is play, you will never get tired. If you make everything a play time, you don't need to work at all!" (Swami Satchidananda)

Have a great work/play day!

simple dinner and planning a meal plan

I realized today that I need meal plan. My problem is I tend to miss proper meal times, and worse is when I get too lazy or harassed to prepare a proper one. So I often eat late and not too well. Worst is I totally miss a meal.

Like today, I had oatmeal for breakfast at around 830AM, then I missed lunch in the midst of errands and instead had a light meal of butter and jam sandwiches at around 2PM. I did have dinner on time at 7PM but I only prepared a quick (but delicious!) meal of onion and mushrooms in scrambled eggs eaten with bread.

I am considering what others do which is to cook a week's worth of meals in one day and freeze them and heat them when it's time to eat. Or at least have everything marinated and ready to fry or pop into the oven. The point is to make meal preparation quick and easy and not left to chance (like whatever is left in the refrigerator). If I also know ahead what's to eat and to prepare I can pace my time better.

I am also thinking of good ways to make the kitchen chores be more of a productive ritual than a chore that takes up precious time. Sometimes I am discouraged from going through the whole meal preparation because of the all the washing afterwards. This often happens in the evening when I have already put in a lot of work throughout the day and would sometimes just like to sit down to a nice meal and wind down afterwards without having to be disrupted by dirty dishes.

Any thoughts on efficient meal planning and turning kitchen chores to positive rituals will be appreciated! :)

5 things i want to learn in 2012

On top of all the things I want to do more of, there are a few new things I want to learn. These have been on my list since late last year but had to be put off to make way for the first trials with the shop and the settling in into the whole crafty lifestyle.

I am not yet sure how I will go about learning these. Maybe online classes, or buying tons of books and self-studying, or being lucky enough to find an affordable and accessible class that I could actually enroll in. I have an aunt and a grandma who can help out with a couple of the items but their availability will be tricky. So any help to point me to options will be most welcome!


Printing my own Design on Fabric

For this I am very inspired by untoldimprint. There are also colors and pattern combinations that I could only find in my head and not in the shops. And if I do find them in the shops then it would cost me a fortune.

I would also like to learn it closer to the old-fashioned way instead of just using an ink-jet printer or special gadgets. Silk screen printing is something that often comes up and I have come across it in one of my high school home economics class although we were never really allowed to touch screen nor fabric.

untoldimprint

silkscreen and scribble

Knitting

This is such a granny (worse, old maid) thing to do and I know I would probably not escape being needled (pun intended) about it. But then I would point these people to the blogs of really cool girls who knit. I mean, it doesn't have to be an "old lady" thing with all its related associations of being a recluse and surrounded by cats and all the other granny cliches  -- and by the way have you seen my ninety-year-old grandma? She defies most definitions of how ninety-year-old grandmas "should" be. :D

from art equals happy

Making Quilts/ Patchwork

I have two quilt-style skirts and I've always wanted a quilt for my bed. I just love the whole idea of having all the colors and patterns I want in one piece all at the same time! I once saw this really beautiful bed quilt at a thrift shop but it was being sold at Php5000. I could see why it could be worth that but it's supposed to be a THRIFT shop!

e-course by smile and wave

Dressmaking

I am particularly interested in recreating and reviving vintage patterns. Almost all of my clothes now are thrifted or vintage -- another move to help mother earth by recycling even with my wardrobe. Learning to make my own clothes will also support local fabric suppliers and significantly lessen the cost involved in each piece. I also don't have to make do with whatever fashion style is in vogue (which often lately only flatters skinny girls).

from Style Hive

It has also been difficult to find perfect fitting pretty skirts that don't cost a leg (and sometimes also an arm). So it would be great to just make them myself (and everything will be a flattering A-line!).

from grevilleadesign at etsy

Learn Adobe Illustrator

From handmade to digital - yes, I know. But this one I want so I can do nice prints for decor and gifts and maybe eventually for selling. I am particularly inspired by the art in Anna Johnson's Savvy Chic, the art of Nick Bantock, and Barbara Hodgson. It will probably be a mix of actual handcrafted collage and drawings which will then be further enhanced and polished by Illustrator. In any case, I would like to be able to reproduce some pieces and also be able to print them in various sizes for various use.

Anna Johnson 

Well, good luck to me! On top of everything, I have to do the Other Job so I will earn money for food and shelter and craft materials. But it's 2012! It's a much better year and there are more than three hundred fresh, possibility-filled, magic-imbued days ahead! ^_^

second day, more happy

It's the second day of the new year and the first day back to work for most people.

I do have a research project to do (my original business) for the first couple of months of this year but I am pacing it better this time. So today I only checked emails and did updates to my partner supplier and my accountant. I will slide in slowly into project mode by tomorrow afternoon.

Today I did a few errands to the bank and then I went with my mom to visit my grandma. It's actually a new year visit plus I just had this urge to see her. She was so happy to see me and we had a long conversation during which she told me about how she amazed everyone at the Senior Citizens' Christmas Party by dancing the cha-cha. She also gave me and my sister a lot of fabric scraps, buttons, beads, and a belt hole puncher for our craft projects. Then she gave me chocolates and an apple and an orange, and a pair of pink slippers -- I actually felt like a child as my arms grew fuller with all the goodies and I felt very very happy.

Since she has given me so much already, I insisted on buying and paying for one of the handmade decors she has for sale. She insisted in turn to sell at a ridiculous price. I got this very pretty decorative container which I placed on my entrance table.

Made from recycled softdrink bottle, plastic flowers and a very cute doll. The doll's dress is also handmade by my grandma.

My grandma made me think about maybe having a very small birthday party on my birthday next month. If ever, it will be seriously small, like really close friends and family. And it will be vintage-themed so my grandma can dance her cha-cha. We'll see. :)

On the way home I dropped by the supermarket to pick up cat food and was literally overjoyed to see that the supermarket has shifted from plastic to paper bag. The supermarket personnel are also encouraging customers to buy reusable eco bags. I already brought mine so the supermarket person actually pointed to my bag which was being filled with my purchases to illustrate the usefulness of the eco-bag.

Things are looking good. ^__^

a happy new year's day

My first day of the new year had been full and happy.

My mom and my sis visited me in my newly redecorated home and they stayed until dinnertime. My mom was coming down with a cold and the threat of a fever but she really enjoyed the visit and appreciated the conversations. I also loved the fact that I didn't have to spend the whole new year's day by myself.

my mom, my sister, and being-difficult-Mogget

In addition to making my first craft of the year, which was a love vision board, I also designed the covers of my new journals for 2012 -- my idea notebook and my life list notebook -- which will be filled with inspiration and goals and the raw materials of all the happy stories and events that I look forward to this year.

I also received my copy of Toffee magazine which got me really excited to craft and make wonderful, pretty, and useful things with my hands and my imagination. I discovered this magazine through my crafty sister.

Before I went to bed last night I did a final check on my Twitter and saw a post by Neil Gaiman sharing his wife's blog post. His wife, Amanda Palmer, wrote this very long but very nice post about their wedding and there were a lot of things she wrote that I could relate to. The post also showed a side of her that I was happy to see because I am such a Neil Gaiman fan and I want him to be happy and blessed in his own life especially with all the beautiful stories that he has shared through his books. I went to bed feeling warm and inspired and hopeful. I believe that the old year has taken with it the worst of things because I feel light-hearted and optimistic when I woke up this morning.

How was your first day of the new year? 

first craft for the year : a love vision board

Ten years ago this will probably be the last thing I would ever think to make. Fifteen years ago you would not even be able to make me come near anything pink, hearts, or romantic. Well, I guess we all went through our own versions of emo in our much younger days. Did you ever celebrate an anti-Valentine day on Valentine's Day?

It's quite funny because I was actually born on Valentine's Day. I resented that fact for quite a number of years. I was a wallflower. The unchosen nerd-girl. The weird girl. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was almost thirty.

I fell in love with and pursued a handful of guys (yes, I was brave that way and I paid the price in too many heartbreaks). All were unrequited until one, and then another, finally stopped long enough to take notice.

But two boyfriends later I am now again single. Took me a while to learn that there is only so much I can do to make anyone fall in love with me and be a true partner and the best way is actually not to do anything! Just focus on becoming your best self and be true to what makes you happy. When your real self shines then the real right person will recognize you and before you know it -- happily ever after.

So I start this year with a love vision board. Out of a piece of illustration board, some decorative papers, and print outs of happy inspiring photos of real happy couples from the internet (yes, it sounds a bit stalker-ish but it is only for personal positive use), I created a vision of love and partnership. More than the beauty of the images I also chose them based on the stories and values they tell me. A main feature of the board is the love life of Elsie Larson of A Beautiful Mess who is currently my number one inspiration on so many aspects of my life.

I have also added touches of my dream wedding theme. Just to make it clearer and to remind me of what each element represents for me.

So call me corny or mushy but I still believe in fairy tales and happily ever afters.

2012 : the Year of Rebirth

I have mentioned in a previous post that for the past four years I have picked up on themes for each new year. This new year brings with it a Year of Rebirth, a fitting follow-through to this old year's return to one's roots. After making peace with the past, our histories, and the consequences of old decisions, we are now ready to move forward and to face life with a fuller heart and a fuller spirit. More whole. A renewed self continues the journey of life.

2011 has been like a dark tunnel for me, with only the glimpses of light at its end spurring me on. Emerging, finally, from a labyrinth of trials and challenges I am like a child emerging from the womb. While I may be more vulnerable in my raw self I have also regained a sense of wonder and joy and magic. I am also now stronger in other ways, and with a clearer purpose. My life's compass has found its north and I am now somehow getting better at making new maps and charting courses for my journeys. I have given up some things in the process but I believe that what I will gain later on will be much much more.

Here are the little embryos and seedlings of 2011 that are waiting to emerge fully in 2012. While I have been doing a few of them for many years it is only in the past year that I have re-evaluated how they are contributing to my living a fulfilled and authentic life. For some, it is only in the past year that I have been able to actually do anything tangible. The old year has been both a painful and enriching experience.

more Crafting and Creative Journeys

The rediscovery of my passions has been a major event for me. While the actual process was slow and at times even excruciating, the reward of knowing where I really want to go and what I really want to do is simply priceless. The new year presents a daunting task of being true to what I love but I trust that my heart will show me every way and that the Universe always helps those who seek with the soul.

a Happier and more Inspired Home

As part of my practice of authenticity, I embrace who I am and my home now reflects myself instead of hiding and camouflaging who I am. I open myself to kindred spirits and invite love and friendships and opportunities. I surround myself with inspiration and seek to inspire others as well through example.

a more Discerning and Patient Heart

After two decades I finally learn the lesson of patience and keeping still. While I acknowledge my own strengths and powers to shape my life, I could not shape the heart of others. But by being true to myself then everything else will follow and there will be no need to yearn or to strive or to scheme. The how of fairy tales has always been in the domain of the Universe. All I have now is the faith that there is a happily ever after unfolding before me.

Knowing and Doing What Really Matters

I was supposed to do a monthly highlight in photos for 2011 but I realized that there are huge gaps in my journals and photo albums because of being enslaved by work and the need for money. I do not dismiss the necessity of money but I should never lose sight of why I gave up my easy access to it two years ago. If I calm myself down I will see that help is sent at exactly the perfect time. There is no need to waste time and energy fretting and worrying. Instead I should channel those time and energy into creating and loving. I also learned that compromising out of despair (such as accepting work for less than adequate fees just to have something) never works in the long run. It takes its toll on the heart and the spirit and derails me from my true journey.

Valuing Family and True Friends

The number of people who actually greeted me and sent me gifts this Christmas have gone down to a number that I could count with my two hands. On the other hand, I have strengthened and deepened the bonds of the few and precious that have actually remained. Going back to my family roots and reviving my relationships with my cousins, aunts, and especially my grandmother have added substance to the core of my self -- particularly because they make up the ancestral tree of my creativity.

more Earth-Conscious Living

I read a story somewhere about a man who would walk down the beach at low tide and he would pick up stranded starfish and throw them back to the sea to save them. Another man told him that there are too many and he would not be able to save all and it would not make a difference. The man who was saving the starfish picked one up and threw it to the water and said "Well, it sure made a difference to that one."

That's how I want to look at my own little efforts to live an earth-friendly lifestyle. Every little thing counts. It will all count.

more Meaningful Travels

What I now lack in travel budget I make up for in meaning and memories. Instead of coming home with a bag full of shopping that I mostly bought on impulse, I now come home with a camera full of photos capturing every mundane moment turned magical.

a Stronger Spirit (and body!), a Braver Heart

The greatest challenge of my life so far and I am amazed that I have not given up on kendo. I will be taking the exam on February and it is something that I both want and don't want. It terrifies me. I hate it. It reveals me in all my weaknesses including the worst of it, my physical weakness. It crushes me in ways that nothing else can. But I know that on my death bed I will be regretting it if I gave up. So I will not give up. (God help me.) 

a Daily Life of Simple Joys, and Contentment without Compromise

Calmness, simplicity, honesty. No unnecessary indulgences but no deprivations. Taking care of myself as much as I take care of others. No more guilt. No more self-recrimination. No need to acquire possessions to masquerade as accomplishments. I will create what I need and what I want. As much as it is in my power. I will dispose of what I don't need and what I don't want. I will keep only what is essential, what keeps me true. The rest I leave in the hands of the Universe. 

Happy new year everyone!