a sunday of substance

Yesterday was a great day.

I have been excited for yesterday since I set that meeting with my bookseller friend. I have not seen him for a while and the books I have ordered have been languishing in his inventory for months. I was at the tail-end of a project and a fieldwork and thought I deserved a reward of some kind for being still alive. What better way than finally getting my old orders and paying up and maybe adding a couple new books to the package?

My friend sells good quality second-hand books which I absolutely love. Pre-owned books carrying a history of their own. Yellowed pages, old editions, rare hard-bounds. And that lovely old-book smell. He also sells notebooks – Moleskine and Field Notes and Fashionary. Yes, a dangerous combination for a writer/artist like me.

So I set up a meeting and I was fired up all week looking forward to it.

Layer on the discovery that Before Midnight opened in cinemas in July 10. Marvelous! The theme movie of my generation! If I had to name a mythology of romance for my generation it would be that trilogy. So I set Sunday afternoon for watching it with my sister, while also setting a couple of evenings beforehand to watch the first two movies.

Sunday arrived and I was like a child about to go on a field trip to Disneyland. Well I was. My own kind of Disneyland.

I met my bookseller friend in a cafe. He was late and I was too early. Which was perfect because I intended to get some writing done. I haven't written in a cafe for a long time, and it was such a glorious sunny morning, the cafe was half-empty, and there was this vintage jazzy music playing in the background. The other customers were quiet oldish people, not the usual crowd of noisy young things. Needless to say I felt right at home.

I took out my last Moleskine notebook (I have run out of stock) to write. I just have to say, I caught myself smiling many times at the sheer joy of the moment. In the past week there were little events that somehow perfected the trajectory of my life and I can feel the effect of it. Finding myself in that perfect spot on that perfect Sunday morning, I recognized the wisdom of the Universe and its infinite magic leading me to where I was. Most likely it was also where I needed to be. 

My dear friend arrived bearing my joys. Like a midyear Santa. A heavy bag of books and a heavy bag of Moleskine. He also brought a few vintage books I might be interested in (I was) and those were added to my loot.

I love vintage and old things, especially books. Look, this one survive through the war!

It was time to replenish my stocks. I am halfway through my last ruled Moleskine.

Then followed the kind of conversation that lifted one's spirits and refreshed one's faith in people and the world. Discussions about books, life decisions, the quality of paper, being independent, ideas and insights for improving our respective businesses, astronomy and mathematics, finding niches. An equal exchange without reservations or agenda, a connection that was effortless. I had missed it so very much.

We parted at lunchtime. I had a movie to catch. I also found out that another friend was joining me and my sister to the movie. Oh joy!

Before Midnight did not disappoint. I actually want to see it again and savor the words again. I didn't cry. Only almost. That part towards the end.

After the movie we had coffee and pastries at a nearby hotel. This time I was a content observer as my sister and our friend did most of the talking. But it was also one of those conversations that flowed naturally and without fear of misinterpretations or judgements. Then we went to my home to discuss options for framing my art works which I will be selling soon through another friend with a mobile vintage van (Doesn't that sound like a perfect way to start?) There were also some art and book discussions, analysis of men, women, and relationships, and a little history-digging for examples.

Brazo Bombs by The Legend Hotel. They taste like brazo de mercedes magicked into cream puffs. Very delicious!

The evening concluded with a light dinner. I started to feel tired and sleepy a little before ten. The adrenaline rush since the morning had finally worn off. I was happy. But my introvert self said, alright, time to draw back. If I had pushed myself more I would probably end up with a migraine. Oh, but make no mistake, it was the best Sunday I have ever had quite a long time.

I cleaned up, then tucked into bed with Sometimes The Magic Works. A fitting bedtime read for a beautiful day.

"I have decided, on reflection, it is best just to remember that sometimes the magic really works."
-Terry Brooks

How has the magic been working for you lately?

sick day and introverted musings

I have been under the weather all day yesterday. I suspect an intense stress and anxiety attack as the main cause. Things at work are rather stirred up at the moment and important decisions have to be made.

In the middle of all this I found myself thinking about a bit of a revamp for this blog. Maybe it's my way of coping with all the other matters that demanded for my time and attention. I am also feeling that familiar itch to lock myself up in a room for days and write my books without interruption.

It is Saturday and I will have to get some work tasks done. Then tonight I might be stepping out a bit to visit a friend whose father had just died. If events unfold as planned I might also end up telling another person how much I had been hurt by his behavior weeks ago and for which I have hardly forgiven him.

Yes, it is most likely too much anxiety and stress that is getting me all sick and tired in every sense of the words.

I am reading this book :

It is written by Sophia Dembling and it caught my attention while I was browsing in the bookstore last Thursday.  It is easy to read and very uplifting for an introvert like me.

I like the chapter that discusses friendship:

"What is a friend? We probably all have out own definitions. For me, it's someone I don't feel alone with. Who doesn't bore me. Whose life I connect with and who takes reciprocal interest in my life. It's someone I feel comfortable turning to when I need to be talked off the ledge, and for whom I am glad to return the favor."

"Once we start investing in a friendship, we start weighing what we get back. It's a make-or-break time. And for introverts, the investment can feel costly in terms of energy expended. It's the points when we start asking, 'why bother?' --- a legitimate question, as long as it's treated as a question rather than a blow off. Is this person willing to see you, and fun to be with, one-on-one? Does the conversation flow? Is it satisfying? Do you feel energized or depleted after time with this person? I love friendships where the conversation is so interesting, you can't end it even when the visit is supposed to be over."

Sometimes I feel I could use a couple more people who could be real friends. I could relate when my sister moans her lack of a girlfriend posse. We both dream of a constant group of four to five girls sharing the same values and overlapping some interests. The values are important. We could like totally different music but having the same values mean we agree on the things that matter -- in our case those would include compassion for animals and care for nature, reciprocity and responsiveness in relationships, respect for religious beliefs, just to name a few.

I am an introvert who is rather pained by the fact that I have to survive in the world of advertising. I am writing myself a whole notebook on the subject to sort it out and maybe find something that could ease me through until the time that I could fully focus on my book-writing and art-making. I don't want t spend days of my life just gritting my teeth through "shoulds" and "musts" until I could literally afford to be simply a writer and an artist.

Sometimes I feel like the effort will kill me. Pushing myself to be the kind of person everyone expects and then be the kind of person I really am. It's a tightrope walk without a net.

I promise to be brighter soon.

around the mango tree

I had lunch with a very dear friend today. He also used to be my boss and is a believer in the kind of research work that I do (i.e. my dayjob). At the same time he is a staunch supporter of everything else in my life. But most importantly he has become the best kind of friend anyone can ever hope to have in a lifetime.

We agreed to meet up at a bookstore by noon. He came from a meeting so he was a few minutes late, which meant that I ended up discovering and finding books. There was this blank moment and then I am suddenly in possession of three new books that I could barely afford (although they were priced quite low for a regular book).

My friend and I had lunch at a Thai restaurant called The Mango Tree. We had pomelo salad with prawns for starters, then grilled steak with thai sauce and seafood with hot basil. We were so engrossed with catching up that I totally forgot about taking a snapshot of the food. But here's a snapshot of the ever delicious Illy coffee.

I always believe that people and events come upon us when we are ready to receive the message. Something along the line of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. For today, my friend has been the strong gust of wind that blew on my sails and helped me move forward with an optimistic heart. He shared a number of inspiring stories, particularly how the tide turned just when he thought it never would. I like that image of the tide turning, of last-minute plot twists, even a deux ex machina, a divine intervention, an explosion of magic.

Today my well of hope has been refreshed. Even when many things are still up in the air and seem to be evading resolution.

I have started re-writing my novel after letting it rest for a couple of weeks. And again I am experiencing that joy and calm that lifted me up before amidst the uncertainties and trials. Anger, despair, and fears are channeled into this creative endeavor. When nothing much is happening in real life, it helps to make things happen on the page.

On the way home I finally made myself purchase a large old dictionary with yellowing pages for a creative project that I have been wanting to do for months. I was postponing it because I thought it cost too much given my budget constraints. When I checked again today, however, the shop was on sale and the price was a third of what I thought it was.

I walked home from the mall (where the secondhand book shop was), my arms aching with the weight of the dictionary. But I treated it like a little exercise and did not mind the burning pain in my muscles as I dodged traffic and marched steadily through the varying slopes of the sidewalk.

I am now back on my writing desk, CSI: New York playing in the background, and chores lined up for the evening. It has been a good day.

thursday thoughts

Lately I've been rained on by various posts and quotes about weeding out people in your life who only bring in negativity and who discourage you from a path of love and growth. It's like a beacon flashing insistently, calling my attention. I have done something like this before and I realized that it is not a one-time thing because as you yourself grow and evolve, your own needs and contributions to a friendship also change. The ideal is to have friends who grow with you no matter what. But sadly, very, very few pass the test of dealing with both failure and success in one's life. There are people who are only your friends when you are successful, and there are those who prefer that you are forever failing so they can feel better about themselves.

As an adult, finding and cultivating friendships is not as easy as when I was in my twenties and just starting out from college. Especially now that I have become clearer about the kind of life that I wish to live and how I want to grow, it has also become clearer that some people in my life are detrimental to that dream life either by bringing in negative energies or withholding support. But at the same time, in unexpected ways and along unexpected paths and places, I discover other people whose spirits and hearts are attuned with mine. They reach out from the clouds of my uncertain friendships and lay a reassuring hand on my heart. They send surprise notes and comments of encouragement and appreciation. The best are those who express that I have somehow helped them with the little that I have shared, that they find inspiration in what I have shown.

It is not a bad thing to remove people from your life who are no longer in harmony with it. The same way that I will not take it badly if I am let go of, just as I have been by some people that I only realized in the past few weeks. My response is to return the favor of setting them free. We have served each other's purpose in each other's life, now it is time to move on.

We will always be drawn to kindred spirits, even if it takes time as the universe sorts out the glitches and the obstacles and sets up the stage for serendipitous encounters. It could be triggered by a single note of gratitude, a simple expression of appreciation, or a single thoughtful message sent on impulse. You will know, your heart will know, by the feeling of warmth and joy that will spread from the core of your being. You will feel yourself smiling. You will feel your day brightening.

I believe that we will find truer friends when we also become true to ourselves. First we are a true friend to ourselves and then we draw others. In the past couple of years I have recognized those who have always seen me for who and what I am even when I myself was blind to my own self. They are still with me, their soul-strings attached to mine, spanning time and distances and life-milestones. They are few, but they are precious. And now that I am more attuned to my own self I am even more fierce in my love and appreciation for these people. They never let go, they never turned away, they never closed themselves. I am only too eager to prove worthy of such friendships, to nurture, to share.

There are many, many ways to be a true friend. It does not always lie in doing the same thing over and over again until the thing loses its meaning but you keep doing it anyway and then you are no longer sure why it always has to be that way. It is not just about sending birthday gifts without fail. It's not just about sharing the same interests, or the same club, or the same schedules. For me, based on my experiences, a true friend, a kindred spirit, shows up at the perfect moment even when you don't realize you are needing it at that very moment. And then you do realize you were needing it and it was... perfect. It's the little gestures more than the grand ones that make the difference most of the time. The recognition and support of what you value most. The sharing and openness because you both want to give each other the best possible chance on anything in life. The quiet cheering that you can feel and hear from the heart. The fact that you don't see each other much but when you do it's like you pick up where you left off in a way that is not stuck or stagnant, but in a way that you have both grown and yet you still fit together. That is such beautiful assurance, that is like coming home and finding new lovely things. There are upward or deeper movements, not vicious circles. The felt mutual-ness of everything, that certainty that what you have is two sides of one coin, not a one-sided, lopsided kind of thing where you hit blank walls and locked doors and you wonder why you have soul bruises. It takes two to tango and all that jazz.

For all my old true friends, thank you for being constant stars in my oft-dark-and-stormy life.

For all my new true friends, let us make more inspiring stories of growth and support and love.

oh joys!

I was out for most of the day. I just got home now (it's almost five o'clock in the afternoon).

Do you trust this face?

First I dropped off a number of things at my parents' house -- most are long overdue errands that I finally got around to completing.

Second I went to meet up with my bookseller friend who is also my main source for Moleskine, Field Notes, and Fashionary notebooks (and lots of rare finds in secondhand books). I got a Fashionary in pastel yellow to see if it and I will be a productive and creative pair.

My dear friend and I had a really good catching up and my spirits were definitely cheered (given my recent bouts with a few specific stressful situations). As I was window-shopping later in the afternoon I thought about what made the meet-up and the conversation so enjoyable and heartwarming, and this is what I wrote in my journal (written in a cafe during a quick break):

"What conversations between friends should be: enlightening, interesting, a mutual exchange of information, open sharing, relaxed, laced with genuine laughter (as opposed to mocking laughter or derisive laughter or making-fun-of laughter or fake/polite laughter), free comfortable exchange of questions and answers, sharing of ideas, without competition or seeking to impress to elevate status, no defensiveness, no suspicions, no careless criticisms, no judgements, no unkind or demeaning jokes, mutually supportive and encouraging. Time will pass and you won't feel it and you won't mind if you do realize that you have just consumed an hour just conversing."

So it wasn't much of a surprise that I was walking around the mall with a small happy smile on my face.  Even just one good friend can do wonders to raise one's level of optimism and satisfaction about life.

I next went to a bookstore and after much staring and lingering at the really expensive Derwent products locked inside the glass display cabinets, I approached a saleslady to ask how much the Derwent Waterbrush cost. I was thinking it would be perfect for when I need my art materials to be portable. It costs Php400 for a single brush! That's expensive. So it went on my to-save-up-for list.

However I did not leave the bookstore empty-handed because I found a decently-priced set of gouache. I've been wanting to try it and I did promise myself a little treat for the week.

Supermarket shopping was next on my to-do, but I just picked very specific items that I could not find in my regular supermarket. Hence I hoarded arugula and organic romaine lettuce and I got special fish steaks for my dad's birthday lunch on Monday. The rest of my grocery list can be filled in tomorrow in my regular store.

Last stop was to check Healthy Options for loose leaf tea as I am totally out. I have Earl Grey and English Breakfast but I've been craving for something fruity and not in a bag.

I have to say that this Saturday has been a joyful day indeed. And it's not even over yet -- while I fuss with my newly-acquired goodies I am also waiting for my sister to call and let me know if we will be having dinner out. But even if that does not push through, there is more than enough happiness spilled over from the morning and afternoon to get me through humming well into the night.

How is your weekend going?

day 5 : draw your best friend(s)

Day 5 of the Drawing Challenge is to draw my best friend. Well I have two. One is my best friend from college, Jennee, who is now living in Canada and having a dreams-coming-true period in her life. My other best friend is my sister (and partner-in-craft), Peachie who has proven that soul is thicker than blood. They are the only two people I can literally discuss anything with and just knows, in an almost creepy way, the right thing to say and do.

They also love cats as much as I do. If the three of us were to rule the world, there would not be any lack for cat shelters.

My sister's sketch above was inspired by her photo below, exhibiting the messy high bun.

new, borrowed, and blue

I went to a new place today. First I went to the bank to update my records and then I decided to go someplace to read. I thought of Chatime but I didn't feel like milk tea today. Then I remembered the new place called Classic Confections which I've always wanted to check out but there was never time nor companion. Well, I could make time today but unfortunately I would have to go without companion --- how I miss the days when I could just throw out an invitation and there would be someone to catch it! Nowadays there seems to be a dearth of people who wants to or could afford to spend some nice quiet time in a cafe on a sunny afternoon on impulse.

I got myself a lemon torte and a cup of brewed coffee (They serve Illy!) which I paid for with money borrowed from one of my daily budgets (which means I would have to go without something in the near future). Then I settled into a corner table by the window and brought out my book to read (a real book, mind you, not the digital kind). It was so comforting, and also nostalgic. It threw me back to a time when I was much, much younger and I would sit in a cafe and write poetry and daydream. I suddenly missed certain people and certain times.

And there's my something blue. A blue frosted tiny butter cookie that accompanied the coffee.

The lemon torte which I finished all by myself. But do not be alarmed - it is only about the same diameter as my palm. The flavor was perfect though it could be more moist. 

Now that I am back home I feel like I could skip dinner for all that cake. I am also psyching myself that the work day is over -- which means stop stressing out already on the nitty-gritty of things that would hardly cause the downfall of empires. Instead I should focus on the non-work stuff. Like maybe working on that second curtain while watching Mad Men.

Watching Mad Men is not helping my slight confusion about wanting to be out in the "work world". I believe I only need some social stimulation and I doubt I would find it worth taking back the whole baggage of being employed. Still, I am finally starting to miss bits and pieces from my old employed life --- like really dressing up and eating in nice restaurants whenever I want and spending ridiculous amounts of money on coffee and books. I also miss very specific people and the intelligent conversations and the witty repartee and the sharing. I miss the relationships. The personal give-and-take in terms of time and secrets and attention and emotion. The consoling hugs in the midst of a really tough day.

Yes, I am pretty nostalgic today. Maybe it was the way the sun shone on everything, like everything was a memory.

What gets you travelling down memory lane?

snapshots

I am still trapped with work so to keep this blog alive I am posting stolen snapshots throughout the super busy days. My sister has been staying over at my place to help me out with data transcriptions.

My sister has been taking charge of breakfast to help me out with the daily tasks and chores. This one is scrambled egg with toast and butter.

Lots of caffeine keep us awake at least until midnight. Then we start nodding off no matter how much coffee we take.

My sister's version of Omurice for breakfast : first she fried rice in onions, a bit of soy sauce, and a bit of tomato catsup.

Then scrambled egg cooked into a pancake shape is put on top.

And then it's ready to eat! I would like to try this with fresh tomatoes instead of tomato catsup.

The occasional treat -- caramel sundae especially after an intense kendo practice.

Kendo practice has to fit into the schedule somehow because of the exam in February. It's pretty tough pushing myself physically after days of incomplete sleep hours and full days of mental fatigue.

Fruits to help refresh and revive the mind. Dragonfruit is soooooo delicious!

Pasta with salmon and cream which I invented for lunch yesterday.

Mogget caught sniffing at the onions... 

Mogget : What the heck is that smell?

Mogget : Seriously, what is that smell?

A special thank you to Chrystina who has been visiting and commenting frequently -- I'm definitely appreciating the online company especially through the wee hours! :)

Also happy to see Hana back to posting about her happy adventures and dropping by to visit this blog a few days ago. :)

Am loving all the visits from happy creative people!


Have a great Friday everyone!

the last day of Christmas

Today is the last day (or week?) of Advent. Christmas decors will really have to come down starting tomorrow. I've put mine away even before the new year. But some families like to keep the spirit lingering until the Three Kings have visited the baby Jesus.

My grandma is one such person. We visited her today and she was so happy and surprised to see us. She was already planning her Valentine's home decor and showed us a box of dolls she will be using for her handmade displays. I can't wait to see what she will do with them!

Then she insisted that we stay for lunch and she shooed us away from her kitchen as she whipped something up. We all had a full happy lunch of soup and her homemade embotido and she also added some chicken luncheon meat. She went to the trouble of arranging the food on a bed of greens and sliced onions and tomatoes. Then we had fruit salad for dessert.

It was raining and her home was so cozy and warm and filled with grandma loving energies.

In the afternoon we went to a friend's house because he has been wanting us to see their Christmas decor especially the themed Christmas Tree - another family who likes to squeeze the most of the Christmas season. The trip was well worth it because the tree was truly lovely (I would guess it was about 12 feet tall or more) and then we got to listen to some nice music and we got fed a bowlful of super delicious pasta carbonara.

It was a rather unusual Sunday for me and my sister but very refreshing and relaxing and heartwarming. This new year is really proving to be a great one!