spilled

This homemade video spilled out of me today. I have been in a strange mood for the past few weeks, inundated by too much work and besieged by dreams.

The images in the video are approximations of what I see playing in my head. I hope to capture it better when I have the time after all the madness of this month.

The music I used is by A Fine Frenzy, a song titled "Swan Song".

blue

i dream of the blue sea

a blue box that is bigger on the inside

the blue-ness of turquoise

the blue feeling of wanting to go somewhere

a handful of blueberries

that movie called blueberry nights

a blue sky streaked with gray

blue ink spilling like tears

the blue in the english flag

waking up that blue feeling again

the Doctor's blue suit

my tattered blue shoes

something blue to go with the old and the borrowed and the new

new, borrowed, and blue

I went to a new place today. First I went to the bank to update my records and then I decided to go someplace to read. I thought of Chatime but I didn't feel like milk tea today. Then I remembered the new place called Classic Confections which I've always wanted to check out but there was never time nor companion. Well, I could make time today but unfortunately I would have to go without companion --- how I miss the days when I could just throw out an invitation and there would be someone to catch it! Nowadays there seems to be a dearth of people who wants to or could afford to spend some nice quiet time in a cafe on a sunny afternoon on impulse.

I got myself a lemon torte and a cup of brewed coffee (They serve Illy!) which I paid for with money borrowed from one of my daily budgets (which means I would have to go without something in the near future). Then I settled into a corner table by the window and brought out my book to read (a real book, mind you, not the digital kind). It was so comforting, and also nostalgic. It threw me back to a time when I was much, much younger and I would sit in a cafe and write poetry and daydream. I suddenly missed certain people and certain times.

And there's my something blue. A blue frosted tiny butter cookie that accompanied the coffee.

The lemon torte which I finished all by myself. But do not be alarmed - it is only about the same diameter as my palm. The flavor was perfect though it could be more moist. 

Now that I am back home I feel like I could skip dinner for all that cake. I am also psyching myself that the work day is over -- which means stop stressing out already on the nitty-gritty of things that would hardly cause the downfall of empires. Instead I should focus on the non-work stuff. Like maybe working on that second curtain while watching Mad Men.

Watching Mad Men is not helping my slight confusion about wanting to be out in the "work world". I believe I only need some social stimulation and I doubt I would find it worth taking back the whole baggage of being employed. Still, I am finally starting to miss bits and pieces from my old employed life --- like really dressing up and eating in nice restaurants whenever I want and spending ridiculous amounts of money on coffee and books. I also miss very specific people and the intelligent conversations and the witty repartee and the sharing. I miss the relationships. The personal give-and-take in terms of time and secrets and attention and emotion. The consoling hugs in the midst of a really tough day.

Yes, I am pretty nostalgic today. Maybe it was the way the sun shone on everything, like everything was a memory.

What gets you travelling down memory lane?

sunshine and blue sky

I stumbled upon this small painting I made on the page of a journal years ago. I can no longer remember what inspired me to do this, but that moment was also the time in my life when I started to emerge from a phase of slow dreaming through a dark tunnel. It was like a waking from a sleepwalk of long journeys, where every thing was a dream and every dream was a wish fulfillment that vanished and melted onto the next strange story.