midyear review

Come with a whoop,and come with a call.
Come with a whole heart or not at all.
(Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I am on my third year of being independent from employed work. It has been a very rough road but every time I look back, even though there are a few tweaks I would like to have done, I never ever regretted the move to resign from a very lucrative employment.

Whenever I look back, what stand out are the shining moments of my rediscovery of my passions. The first time I painted after more than two decades. The first time I wrote a novel. The first time I acknowledged how much I love writing, reading, and making art after many years of believing that they were dispensable hobbies next to the career that everyone measured me with.

Last year the solo work got to a point that I was desperate. I was in danger of losing my home because I had missed payments. There were no projects for more than six months. I wished for a job.

This year the job came. And so did the projects. And I found myself in a quandary. But in the end I chose to be true to what I have become.

It sounds crazy. A steady, most likely very fat, paycheck given up for a continued life of financial roulette. All I had to do was say yes. But I said no.

It was not an easy decision. But my heart has been more vocal since I started on this particular journey and it would not give me peace. My mind came up with exquisite arguments, logical explanations of the hows which, I have always been told, should be left in the hands of the Universe. Logic can only take me so far. In the end, will I be happy? Will I wake up in the morning with optimism or with dread? Will I risk the joyful creative life I have started to build for a life that satisfied only the expectations of others?

At the hardest point of my contemplation, Neil Gaiman's The Ocean At The End Of The Lane presented itself like a sign. It had completely slipped my mind that it would be out already, and I stumbled into it on the way to a client meeting. A beacon amidst the turmoil of my own thoughts.

"How can you be happy in this world? You have a hole in your heart. You have a gateway inside you to lands beyond the world you know. They will call you, as you grow. There can never be a time when you forget them, when you are not, in your heart, questing after something you cannot have, something you cannot even properly imagine, the lack of which will spoil your sleep and your day and your life, until you close your eyes for the final time...you will die with a hole inside you, and you will wail and curse at a life ill-lived." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

The Year of True Paths is halfway through. After finally making that crucial decision I need to make a plan. Solid enough so I will be true to myself in the daily choices I make, loose enough to allow for the playful storytelling of the Universe. For instance, London. I know I want, I need, to be there. The how is not clear, but I can do my part every day in little ways. London is my love story now. Each day is a step closer to a happily ever after.

"...so I turned, randomly, down another road, and took a left, and a right. It was only then that I realized where I was going, where I had been going all along, and I grimaced at my own foolishness." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I heard it said, "When two points are destined to touch, even if a direct connection is impossible, the Universe will always find a way."

My heart tells me it is only a matter of time. And what of time? There is plenty. There is always enough. It is always perfect.

the infinite stuff

There is no lack. The gifts of the universe are limitless. Be grateful. Know what you want. Be the best you can be. Be authentic. Be true to your passions. What is yours will come to you if you truly believe. Have faith. Life is always good. Be patient. Follow your true path. Find your North Star.

2013: The Year Of True Paths

I woke up very late today because I got home at almost four in the morning. My sister and I spent the first couple of hours of the new year watching Sense And Sensibility and taking good lessons from Jane Austen.

When I got home I was still very much awake and had to read myself to sleep, which meant that it must have been almost five in the morning. In keeping with one of the themes I intend to embrace this new year, I progressed through The Jane Austen Guide To Happily Ever After.

I changed my curtains into a sunshiny polka-dotted piece in the hopes of attracting money energies. At this point, every little bit will help, as far as I am concerned.

In the evening, I dared to spend a little bit of cash to treat my family out to dinner. It has been a long while since we could afford to celebrate by eating out in a nice restaurant. But I figured, it is the new year, and the energies are fresh and hopes are recharged. We went to a place we have not tried but which promised delicious celebratory comfort food. We had traditional dishes of crispy pata and kare-kare with steamed rice. We were served a complimentary basket of crispy delicious cracklings while we waited for the meal to be served.

Before leaving the house for dinner though, I finished a piece that was inspired by a private joke and secret among myself, my sister, and a common girl friend.

When I got home after dinner, I did one last journal page and admired my own handiwork. Love will be taken seriously this year, in all its forms and expressions. I will not be embarrassed by it, nor will I treat it like an afterthought.

2013 will be a Year of True Paths. After the rebirths of the previous year, it is now the time to nurture what have been reborn and rediscovered. To let these, by their nature, invite the right kind of people, opportunities, events, and experiences. The true ones that will nurture my own spirit and happiness. True friends, true loves, true passions. There will certainly be a lot of walking, aching feet, occasionally getting delayed by either hunger or exhaustion, maybe sometimes putting off the forward march by a day (but never more than a day). There may even be some doubling back, because of something forgotten or something missed. A loose end slipping out that must be cut clean. But always, always, it will all end with moving forward, even if it means leaving things and even people behind (like when they don't wish to walk with you nor catch up with you nor carry their own weight in the journey.) 

In moving forward I hope to see new places, meet new people (even if it is seeing the same old people in a new light that will forge deeper relationships), gain beautiful new experiences that will bring new lessons (or new ways of learning old ones). I hope to learn new things, to discover side journeys that will help me grow, and also I hope to be something new and something true to other people. I hope to be a true friend, and when the Universe says it is time, a true love. 

What true path will you be walking this year?

thursday thoughts

Lately I've been rained on by various posts and quotes about weeding out people in your life who only bring in negativity and who discourage you from a path of love and growth. It's like a beacon flashing insistently, calling my attention. I have done something like this before and I realized that it is not a one-time thing because as you yourself grow and evolve, your own needs and contributions to a friendship also change. The ideal is to have friends who grow with you no matter what. But sadly, very, very few pass the test of dealing with both failure and success in one's life. There are people who are only your friends when you are successful, and there are those who prefer that you are forever failing so they can feel better about themselves.

As an adult, finding and cultivating friendships is not as easy as when I was in my twenties and just starting out from college. Especially now that I have become clearer about the kind of life that I wish to live and how I want to grow, it has also become clearer that some people in my life are detrimental to that dream life either by bringing in negative energies or withholding support. But at the same time, in unexpected ways and along unexpected paths and places, I discover other people whose spirits and hearts are attuned with mine. They reach out from the clouds of my uncertain friendships and lay a reassuring hand on my heart. They send surprise notes and comments of encouragement and appreciation. The best are those who express that I have somehow helped them with the little that I have shared, that they find inspiration in what I have shown.

It is not a bad thing to remove people from your life who are no longer in harmony with it. The same way that I will not take it badly if I am let go of, just as I have been by some people that I only realized in the past few weeks. My response is to return the favor of setting them free. We have served each other's purpose in each other's life, now it is time to move on.

We will always be drawn to kindred spirits, even if it takes time as the universe sorts out the glitches and the obstacles and sets up the stage for serendipitous encounters. It could be triggered by a single note of gratitude, a simple expression of appreciation, or a single thoughtful message sent on impulse. You will know, your heart will know, by the feeling of warmth and joy that will spread from the core of your being. You will feel yourself smiling. You will feel your day brightening.

I believe that we will find truer friends when we also become true to ourselves. First we are a true friend to ourselves and then we draw others. In the past couple of years I have recognized those who have always seen me for who and what I am even when I myself was blind to my own self. They are still with me, their soul-strings attached to mine, spanning time and distances and life-milestones. They are few, but they are precious. And now that I am more attuned to my own self I am even more fierce in my love and appreciation for these people. They never let go, they never turned away, they never closed themselves. I am only too eager to prove worthy of such friendships, to nurture, to share.

There are many, many ways to be a true friend. It does not always lie in doing the same thing over and over again until the thing loses its meaning but you keep doing it anyway and then you are no longer sure why it always has to be that way. It is not just about sending birthday gifts without fail. It's not just about sharing the same interests, or the same club, or the same schedules. For me, based on my experiences, a true friend, a kindred spirit, shows up at the perfect moment even when you don't realize you are needing it at that very moment. And then you do realize you were needing it and it was... perfect. It's the little gestures more than the grand ones that make the difference most of the time. The recognition and support of what you value most. The sharing and openness because you both want to give each other the best possible chance on anything in life. The quiet cheering that you can feel and hear from the heart. The fact that you don't see each other much but when you do it's like you pick up where you left off in a way that is not stuck or stagnant, but in a way that you have both grown and yet you still fit together. That is such beautiful assurance, that is like coming home and finding new lovely things. There are upward or deeper movements, not vicious circles. The felt mutual-ness of everything, that certainty that what you have is two sides of one coin, not a one-sided, lopsided kind of thing where you hit blank walls and locked doors and you wonder why you have soul bruises. It takes two to tango and all that jazz.

For all my old true friends, thank you for being constant stars in my oft-dark-and-stormy life.

For all my new true friends, let us make more inspiring stories of growth and support and love.