saturday sneak peek

I rested for most of the morning because I had been on the verge of falling ill the night before. The cat stared at me from the other end of the bed, probably wondering why I was still not up.

When I felt a bit better I tagged along with my parents and sister to check out a garage sale by friends who are moving out. I got myself this pair of ceramic cups which are perfect for holding my pens and highlighters. You can never have too many pens and highlighters.

I was still feeling a bit under the weather but I made myself deal with long-postponed chores that could help ease and release stagnant energies in the house. I finally got around to organizing the bedroom bookshelf.

I also finally got around to clearing and organizing the art corner (which also happens to be the room's love and relationship bagua so maybe something nice will happen in that aspect of our lives). 

I have sideline/dayjob work to do and I just keep telling myself that it will all be done soon enough.

morning sketch/stretch

One last fieldwork day and then it will be a very intense couple of weeks putting together a grand presentation of sorts.

As I wait for the appointment time I start a sketch with my little mannequin. It's the first time he's posing for me and his limbs were badly in need of stretching.

There are other sketches in my head vying for attention but I have to get the fieldwork done first, then a trip to the supermarket, then cleaning the house. Then, this evening, I can draw and paint to my heart's content. Tomorrow I meet up with my bookseller friend to hoard some books and Moleskine. Tomorrow I will write.

sick day and introverted musings

I have been under the weather all day yesterday. I suspect an intense stress and anxiety attack as the main cause. Things at work are rather stirred up at the moment and important decisions have to be made.

In the middle of all this I found myself thinking about a bit of a revamp for this blog. Maybe it's my way of coping with all the other matters that demanded for my time and attention. I am also feeling that familiar itch to lock myself up in a room for days and write my books without interruption.

It is Saturday and I will have to get some work tasks done. Then tonight I might be stepping out a bit to visit a friend whose father had just died. If events unfold as planned I might also end up telling another person how much I had been hurt by his behavior weeks ago and for which I have hardly forgiven him.

Yes, it is most likely too much anxiety and stress that is getting me all sick and tired in every sense of the words.

I am reading this book :

It is written by Sophia Dembling and it caught my attention while I was browsing in the bookstore last Thursday.  It is easy to read and very uplifting for an introvert like me.

I like the chapter that discusses friendship:

"What is a friend? We probably all have out own definitions. For me, it's someone I don't feel alone with. Who doesn't bore me. Whose life I connect with and who takes reciprocal interest in my life. It's someone I feel comfortable turning to when I need to be talked off the ledge, and for whom I am glad to return the favor."

"Once we start investing in a friendship, we start weighing what we get back. It's a make-or-break time. And for introverts, the investment can feel costly in terms of energy expended. It's the points when we start asking, 'why bother?' --- a legitimate question, as long as it's treated as a question rather than a blow off. Is this person willing to see you, and fun to be with, one-on-one? Does the conversation flow? Is it satisfying? Do you feel energized or depleted after time with this person? I love friendships where the conversation is so interesting, you can't end it even when the visit is supposed to be over."

Sometimes I feel I could use a couple more people who could be real friends. I could relate when my sister moans her lack of a girlfriend posse. We both dream of a constant group of four to five girls sharing the same values and overlapping some interests. The values are important. We could like totally different music but having the same values mean we agree on the things that matter -- in our case those would include compassion for animals and care for nature, reciprocity and responsiveness in relationships, respect for religious beliefs, just to name a few.

I am an introvert who is rather pained by the fact that I have to survive in the world of advertising. I am writing myself a whole notebook on the subject to sort it out and maybe find something that could ease me through until the time that I could fully focus on my book-writing and art-making. I don't want t spend days of my life just gritting my teeth through "shoulds" and "musts" until I could literally afford to be simply a writer and an artist.

Sometimes I feel like the effort will kill me. Pushing myself to be the kind of person everyone expects and then be the kind of person I really am. It's a tightrope walk without a net.

I promise to be brighter soon.

on a hot saturday afternoon

I cleaned my house. More importantly, I finally got around to fixing the horrible mess of wires and cables behind the TV shelf. I finally extricated the broken DVD player and re-arranged everything. The vintage Star Wars poster that had languished in storage for years is now up on the wall. I finally got around to play my vintage Beatles LP and pleased to discover that it is still in good condition. I found a spot to display the pretty sleeve design of Heathen Chemistry, the Oasis album which I stumbled upon last Monday and could not leave the store without. It totally messed with my budgets and I am sacrificing a few meals in the process but... an Oasis LP! I have always been a Liam Gallagher girl. Champagne Supernova has been part of my life soundtrack way back in the 90s (and it still is today). In Heathen Chemistry, I love the song The Hindu Times.

"In and out my brain

You're runnin' through my vein

You're my sunshine 

You're my rain"

- The Hindu Times, Oasis

oh joys!

I was out for most of the day. I just got home now (it's almost five o'clock in the afternoon).

Do you trust this face?

First I dropped off a number of things at my parents' house -- most are long overdue errands that I finally got around to completing.

Second I went to meet up with my bookseller friend who is also my main source for Moleskine, Field Notes, and Fashionary notebooks (and lots of rare finds in secondhand books). I got a Fashionary in pastel yellow to see if it and I will be a productive and creative pair.

My dear friend and I had a really good catching up and my spirits were definitely cheered (given my recent bouts with a few specific stressful situations). As I was window-shopping later in the afternoon I thought about what made the meet-up and the conversation so enjoyable and heartwarming, and this is what I wrote in my journal (written in a cafe during a quick break):

"What conversations between friends should be: enlightening, interesting, a mutual exchange of information, open sharing, relaxed, laced with genuine laughter (as opposed to mocking laughter or derisive laughter or making-fun-of laughter or fake/polite laughter), free comfortable exchange of questions and answers, sharing of ideas, without competition or seeking to impress to elevate status, no defensiveness, no suspicions, no careless criticisms, no judgements, no unkind or demeaning jokes, mutually supportive and encouraging. Time will pass and you won't feel it and you won't mind if you do realize that you have just consumed an hour just conversing."

So it wasn't much of a surprise that I was walking around the mall with a small happy smile on my face.  Even just one good friend can do wonders to raise one's level of optimism and satisfaction about life.

I next went to a bookstore and after much staring and lingering at the really expensive Derwent products locked inside the glass display cabinets, I approached a saleslady to ask how much the Derwent Waterbrush cost. I was thinking it would be perfect for when I need my art materials to be portable. It costs Php400 for a single brush! That's expensive. So it went on my to-save-up-for list.

However I did not leave the bookstore empty-handed because I found a decently-priced set of gouache. I've been wanting to try it and I did promise myself a little treat for the week.

Supermarket shopping was next on my to-do, but I just picked very specific items that I could not find in my regular supermarket. Hence I hoarded arugula and organic romaine lettuce and I got special fish steaks for my dad's birthday lunch on Monday. The rest of my grocery list can be filled in tomorrow in my regular store.

Last stop was to check Healthy Options for loose leaf tea as I am totally out. I have Earl Grey and English Breakfast but I've been craving for something fruity and not in a bag.

I have to say that this Saturday has been a joyful day indeed. And it's not even over yet -- while I fuss with my newly-acquired goodies I am also waiting for my sister to call and let me know if we will be having dinner out. But even if that does not push through, there is more than enough happiness spilled over from the morning and afternoon to get me through humming well into the night.

How is your weekend going?

saturday night out - after the fact

This is what I wore (an essence of it, at the very least).

I even bothered to paint my nails.

I went with my sister and a friend of ours, Pater Paul, to celebrate our fifth anniversary as kendo players. Although I have not been attending for the past weeks I still want to go back to regular practice. The kendo thing is whole complex story in itself so I won't go into details at this point.

We had dinner and dessert in a cafe. It felt really nice to be out on a Saturday night after so long.

For my part, a lot of feelings were stirred (along with the tea), and one of the things I realized is that I quite miss playing kendo.

However, there is still a lot of work to be done in myself before I can resume practice. There are emotions to be sorted out, truths to be faced, choices and decisions made, reasons clarified.


Another thing I realized is... well, the heart can be tricky and the mind sometimes plays along with it and then where does that leave me? Doomed, I say. A poker-faced heart is not to be trusted.

saturday night out

After a very long time I will be going out again on a Saturday night. Am quite excited, to be honest. Wondering what to wear, and more important, what to have for dessert!

wielding a brush instead of a sword

Today I went to a watercolor workshop instead of kendo practice.

I discovered the workshop through a Facebook post by my bookseller friend last March. I wanted to join it then but my schedules were unpredictable. Then to my delight, another set of workshops were offered in April and I had signed up immediately. But at the last minute I had to back out because of work schedules. I thought that was it. No painting for me.

Then the workshop instructor, Valerie Chua, emailed me to let me know that there will be one last session this month. Well, that was it, it was then or never! And it must be really meant because third time's the charm, so they say. I also remembered that inspiring line that says, "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."

http://blog.quietgirl.net/2012/05/tendrils-watercolor-workshop-for-may.html

I have to admit I was actually nervous and apprehensive on my way to class. I never had any form of training on any art. I was relying purely on my genetic skills and hoping fervently that my grandfather's artistic blood would weave magic through my hand.

The workshop was simple and straightforward and that's what made it so effective and useful for me. At the same time there was warmth and good camaraderie in the studio, even though according to Valerie we were a pretty quiet class -- a roomful of introverts most likely, as we all spoke in soft hushed voices and giggled to ourselves at the perceived disasters on our paper.

It took four hours but no time was wasted. I especially loved watching my own attempts at still life progress from a sketch to something that at least looks a bit like what it's supposed to be.

I enjoyed mixing colors and trying to capture the same shade as the image source.

I finally understand how those shadowy colors (called undertones) are made.

It's hard not to be messy at some point.

Finished work, with a few very instructive finishing touches from the teacher.

It was said that only practice, lots of it, will really help us get better and improve. I guess it is also the best way for us to learn tricks for ourselves and to develop our own styles. Valerie said that it has been mentioned somewhere that you need 10,000 hours of practice if you really want to be good at something. She advised us to paint every day. Pretty much like what Julia Cameron says in her books about writing everyday. Practice is the key. And I would add something else to that, practice fueled by passion. That is the best combination I believe.

I came out of that workshop feeling happy and optimistic. It was a different kind of high, and a different kind of victory. As I took this creative step the path before me has become brighter with possibilities and promise. I certainly want to explore more...

looks like rain

The sky caught my attention on this late Saturday afternoon as I doggedly prepared for a full-day work session tomorrow.

Yes I owe you stories from the beach but let me sort through more than a couple hundred of photos. Oh, and I need to also get some urgent work done until mid next week.

a practice in battling myself

One unresolved aspect of my life is my kendo practice. I keep on telling others and myself that I do it for the whole "spirit" thing, that whole idea of conquering yourself and your fears and challenging yourself to do things you don't normally do. They are all true but they are not the whole truth. I'm not even sure yet if they are even half the truth.

I started kendo practice in July of 2007. That's four and a half years. That's one of the longest I have ever committed to anything that does not exactly make me feel like the best of myself. It takes a lot from me. As an introvert I am not a fan of too much social interaction. I never joined any clubs in college and I was an expert at minimizing my presence and participation in company events. For me to show up every Saturday and actually confront an opponent -- that is something. I surprise myself every time.

I have had my many issues about practicing kendo. But as I look back on all those years, those issues were mostly things that surrounded my practice. With my limited vision and my too-vulnerable emotions, I often mistook the distractions as the practice itself or thought them to be integral to the practice. I have yet to overcome biases, insecurities, and low self-confidence. The challenge is to let all these mental and emotional clutter disrupt my experience of kendo or I can just focus on the simple miraculous fact that I am doing it at all.

My sister is more into the practice than I am. Sometimes her happiness is triggered by the very act of practice. There is a part of me that still refuses to let kendo have that effect on me because I guess I am afraid of failing it and myself. I know my weaknesses, and there are a lot, and I am afraid that they will get the better of me. But all the inspirational pieces I have read tell me to look at my own strengths and to remember the moments when I did something well. Like maybe that one Saturday when I shocked myself and a sensei by getting a point against him when everyone else has had a hard time doing so. Or remember the times when I am praised for a very good execution of a basic kata.

Today is the year-end tournament and sometimes I fantasize about winning a few times through the elimination rounds, enough to be noticed. Sometimes.

Then I get there and all I could pray for is to not make a fool of myself.

off the routines

I haven't been feeling too well the past few days. I could use a few more hours of sleep, a lot more exercise and a lot less of stress.

I didn't practice kendo today because I just felt too blah and out of it that if I had practiced I would have cried at the slightest provocation.

Instead I read and studied and made notes and lists. I did some chores. I checked some recipes. I started cleaning and clearing my computer files. Then I stepped out to the mall to pay some bills in the payment center and to pick up a few items from the supermarket. I also went to the bookstore to get M. Scott Peck's The Road Less Traveled -- a book highly recommended by my best friend when we chatted online recently and I was seeking her advice on something important. My mom went with me and we had some quiet time together.

When I got back home I started to prepare dinner -- pork marinated in lemon, pepper and soy sauce. Then fried with onions and sauced with more soy sauce. I matched it with potato-carrot salad.

My sister arrived from kendo practice at almost 8pm. Our friends Peter Paul and Dave showed up at almost 10pm bearing cupcakes and cinnamon rolls and immediately asking how I was feeling.

I certainly felt much better by the time everyone left at around 11pm. I was cheered up and I felt taken care of and I felt calmed all at the same time.

I will sleep now. It's really late. Will see you again tomorrow.

a quick sign off

I just came home from dinner and dessert. It's Mao's birthday and he treated the group at the banchetto in Metrowalk. Then we capped the night with dessert and coffee at Poco Deli, an Italian restaurant that serves the best chocolate cake I have ever tasted.

Will post more photos and stories tomorrow. Or rather, later today. Or maybe Monday if I get too busy doing Sunday stuff like family and water spa and lunch.

catching up

Made myself get up at 8AM. I am now catching up on my online lessons (there's a lot!) and doing my best to finish my homework which is due at midnight tonight.

I will also need to spend some time catching up with the house chores. Look at all the clutter and mess (and you can't even see inside the sink yet where more dirty mugs and spoons are having a party)!

saturday night sweet spot

I love that perfect time on Saturday evenings -- that chunk of time right after the exhausting and grueling kendo practice and before sleeping in late on a Sunday morning. Every time I experience that satisfying joy of having completed and survived my kendo and then rewarding myself in one way or another during the evening with my friends. Then layer that with the thought that there is one whole free Sunday just right ahead. Bliss!

(My friend Peter Paul finds this funny because he said I run my own business so why I should I treasure the weekend as if I had to go to an office as an employee on weekdays. I don't think he realizes how much work I actually have to do to keep that business afloat while also squeezing time for my creative passion pursuits! Also, on weekends there are no client calls to dread. Hahaha!)