clarity in the deep

watercolor, derwent inktense, on 300GSM rough paper

I am standing by my choice three years ago. I thought I could compromise but I couldn't. I have to be certain. I have to be clear.

So life may be a tougher and tighter a little while longer. But I don't mind. I have my books, my writing, and my art. I can feel the love of my family. I can feel the support of true friends.

Inspiration surrounds me everyday. There is so much around me that bring me joy and they don't cost a single centavo. Because they have been mine all along. Or they have been free for the taking all along.

London is still happening. Maybe not in the most obvious way. But it is happening. The Doctor and Sherlock agree on it.

I had a nightmare last night.

So today I will be deliberately seeking out positive and pleasant thoughts and things.

I would have much preferred dreaming about the Weeping Angels than what I actually dreamed. Which was standing in front of my clients about to start on a presentation and realizing at the last minute that the presentation was only halfway done because I had a false memory that it was already done. And all the time I thought it was happening for real. And it stretched on for a while, very long minutes of trying to figure out how to fix everything and not being able to come up with a good enough idea to save myself. Being whisked away by the Tardis would have been perfect then but I did not know it was a dream. It felt like the end of days, the end of a world, and it was so frustrating.

Needless to say I woke up feeling not well-rested. :(

So today I will endeavor to make that particular nightmare not come true and to layer it over with bright happy things.

I could use some cheering and cheering up.

sunshine within the storm

I am being thrown about by financial tornados and heart tsunamis. I crawl my way into the eye of the storm and anchor myself with a paintbrush, a pencil, and a pen.

Colds and cough kept me at home today, with not much to do because sudden movements made my head hurt and make me want to throw up. A low fever flits in and out, undecided whether to camp for the weekend or just treat me as a pitstop.

Things certainly look more dreary when you're sick. I surrounded myself with the comfort of my books and made myself busy with art-making. I slept when my eyes started to hurt or when my skin started to burn again.

Watercolor and charcoal is fast becoming my favorite combination. Here I recreated a set of lucky fish that used to hang from my ceiling. I got rid of the fishes when they got torn and too dirty. I don't know if it was coincidence but the money-making projects dried up after that. So I recreated them by hand and will hang them in my home again. Just to be on the safe side of universal rules and schemes and energy flows. Just in case.

This one is a bit of a play with words and ideas and feelings. 

I did not get to do much work-related tasks today. My head hurt when I tried to steer my mind towards serious thoughts that required strategy and rationalization and very careful crafting. After a few failed attempts I decided to put off the work tasks for when I am feeling much better and when my head is more cooperative.

The Gifts of 2012

This old year coming to an end has fulfilled its purpose in my life. Today, on its last day, I want to write something for many reasons -- to end this year with awareness instead of just letting it slip by, to have a post to read on the same day next year, to set my mind and my heart for the new year, and most especially to be grateful for the gifts that this year has given me.

I had thought 2011 to be like a dark tunnel as it led to the Rebirth promised by 2012. Little did I realize that the Rebirth was to be accompanied by intense labor pains that came in overwhelming waves. But with every push there was an aspect of myself that breathed into life.

I wrote a novel. That perhaps is the biggest gift I am grateful for. My rebirth as a writer. I won the NaNoWriMo challenge at the first try and have unlocked the rusted gates of my storytelling.

In addition, I have also written more profusely than ever since I lost my muses sometime way back in the early 2000.

I painted and made art more than I have ever painted and made art in that past sixteen years. I have also invested in a watercolor painting and a photography workshop to help with my creativity.

I have finally regained my reading pace (which I also lost sometime in the early 2000) and met my target of finishing 24 books this year. I have even exceeded it and am close to doubling the number.

I have authenticated the relationships in my life ---letting go of those that harm me and those that inhibit my growth. I have made my peace with those worth keeping, and I have begun to be more nurturing of those I wish to keep and evolve. I have also reached out and forged new ones so that I may deepen and expand my own web of kindred spirits. I made choices and I made decisions on whom I want to share my life with.

I have fallen in love, then out, then in again, (all with the same person) which has certainly messed up my heart's landscape like a hurricane. But in the process I learned new lessons that I never managed to learn in my past heart stories. I am officially retired from leaping "bravely" and blindly into voids without nets, because one of the most important lesson I learned is that when it is truly meant to be, I will not be leaping alone (and Gandalf's friendly eagles will be swooping down in perfect timing to catch us). This year ends with me in love and not totally immune to imagining movie-like last-minute declarations of mutual affection.

I have gained clarity on my career and how it must complement my creative life. And making it work is probably the biggest challenge I will face in the coming year. The rebirth it brought me took me back to square one, on a different playing field, but square one nonetheless. I pray for fortitude, and bucketfuls of optimism.

I have achieved a calmness of spirit that I never could before. I will dare and say that I am even finally learning to be truly patient, and sometimes I can't help but think that the moment I grasp this one single lesson of being patient then everything else will fall into place, because all this time it has only been my stubbornness that has been keeping everything on hold. Who knows. I let go and let the Universe weave its magic and I will not utter a single question of "Is it here yet?"

Have I mentioned that I have fallen in love? Oh yes, I have. More than everything else this is the matter that dangles in front of my eyes as the year draws to a close, like a teasing mistletoe hanging in a roomful of couples where I am the only one without a partner, and the clock will soon strike twelve.

I end this post with a poem, in honor of the rebirth of my writer self, in honor of the creative spirit that dwells in me, and in honor of the love that inspired it, written for him who told me something about how love is like a dance between two people. Maybe one day I will know what it exactly means.

Happy New Year Everyone!

around the mango tree

I had lunch with a very dear friend today. He also used to be my boss and is a believer in the kind of research work that I do (i.e. my dayjob). At the same time he is a staunch supporter of everything else in my life. But most importantly he has become the best kind of friend anyone can ever hope to have in a lifetime.

We agreed to meet up at a bookstore by noon. He came from a meeting so he was a few minutes late, which meant that I ended up discovering and finding books. There was this blank moment and then I am suddenly in possession of three new books that I could barely afford (although they were priced quite low for a regular book).

My friend and I had lunch at a Thai restaurant called The Mango Tree. We had pomelo salad with prawns for starters, then grilled steak with thai sauce and seafood with hot basil. We were so engrossed with catching up that I totally forgot about taking a snapshot of the food. But here's a snapshot of the ever delicious Illy coffee.

I always believe that people and events come upon us when we are ready to receive the message. Something along the line of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. For today, my friend has been the strong gust of wind that blew on my sails and helped me move forward with an optimistic heart. He shared a number of inspiring stories, particularly how the tide turned just when he thought it never would. I like that image of the tide turning, of last-minute plot twists, even a deux ex machina, a divine intervention, an explosion of magic.

Today my well of hope has been refreshed. Even when many things are still up in the air and seem to be evading resolution.

I have started re-writing my novel after letting it rest for a couple of weeks. And again I am experiencing that joy and calm that lifted me up before amidst the uncertainties and trials. Anger, despair, and fears are channeled into this creative endeavor. When nothing much is happening in real life, it helps to make things happen on the page.

On the way home I finally made myself purchase a large old dictionary with yellowing pages for a creative project that I have been wanting to do for months. I was postponing it because I thought it cost too much given my budget constraints. When I checked again today, however, the shop was on sale and the price was a third of what I thought it was.

I walked home from the mall (where the secondhand book shop was), my arms aching with the weight of the dictionary. But I treated it like a little exercise and did not mind the burning pain in my muscles as I dodged traffic and marched steadily through the varying slopes of the sidewalk.

I am now back on my writing desk, CSI: New York playing in the background, and chores lined up for the evening. It has been a good day.

the magic of dressing up

Bulk of my time is spent at home. I work at home 70-80% of the time (the other 20-30% is spent on fieldwork but in a day that only takes about 6-10 hours).

I rarely go out especially in the past few months because I'm managing my spending and I am also overhauling my social life in my quest for a community of true kindred creative spirits.

My most frequent occasions for going out are hardly worth dressing up for. Such as running errands to the bank, shopping in the supermarket, or hanging out at my parents' house. I do go out on weekly Artist Dates and Artist Walks (as recommended by Julia Cameron in her book The Artist's Way) but I often dress comfortably when I do those because I walk a lot and I need to put on my Nike pair. It also sort of doubles as a physical exercise so I'm often in yoga pants, cotton shirt, and a plain ponytail. My Artist Dates also often bring me to places like hardware stores, thrift shops, farmer's markets, and book sales so it's really best to be comfy.

When I am just at home I usually dress in clean but old clothes. Sometimes I wear my PJs. Often my shirt does not really match my shorts.

But in the past few days I have gotten into dressing up at home even if I did not have plans of stepping out. Lately I have been feeling rather lackluster with all the financial puzzles in my life so I needed to make things a bit more festive and energetic. I did it by dressing up - wearing pretty clothes that make me feel real nice inside and out (and abundant) while also being comfortable. I put on a light makeup and I dress up my hair with nice pins or ribbons. I wanted to feel like I am ready to go anywhere and I also wanted to feel like I am going somewhere (and that I could afford to!). And believe me, it works! I felt my energy pick up and my senses sharpen. That was when I started to just paint and draw without too much deliberation on how ready or inspired or motivated I am. I started writing down ideas and plans and setting targets and goals. When I dressed myself up I felt that I simply had to Do and Act, or otherwise I will just be a pretty display in my own home. So I transformed how I looked and felt into something tangible -- a dozen baked cupcakes, a painting, a collage, a poem, an e-book draft, even a good sweep of a shelf for clutter-clearing. (By the way, I was dressed up but I remained barefooted as I moved about the house so it added an aspect of freedom and and openness to the whole mood.)

In the whole process my mind relaxed and had a chance to let the things that have been bothering me to simmer and sort itself out in peace.

Hence, when I finally sat down at either the beginning or end of the day to write in my journal, there were fresh perspectives that poured out because I stopped over-thinking and just started doing what I could. And dressing up helped. It's like putting on a costume and acting the part. I dressed up pretty and happy and abundant and behaved accordingly, boosting my own self-esteem and confidence and sparking my optimism.

How does dressing up change your mood?

waiting for the rainbow

My mom was hospitalized for three days because of some bacteria that made her immune system go on full war, leaving her weak and sick with fever, nausea, and a very severe migraine. She was allowed to go home last Saturday but was given a host of medications that she will need to take for a month. She will also have follow-through check-ups with the doctors.

She is still not feeling well and her recovery seems to be going very slow. My dad, sister, and I have been busy making things as comfortable and conducive to recovery as best as we could. All our routines and 16-hour plans have been thrown out the window for the moment.

Since I live independently, I manage to slip in some level of normalcy to my routines but not wholly. I was also struck by fever the day after we took my mom home from the hospital. The fever was light but it kept going on and off so I am on a paracetamol schedule until today.  When I woke up this morning I could sense the fever trying to creep in. It could be exhaustion from the past week (especially since I also had a major client presentation last Friday), and it could also be the stress of paying the hospital bills. (The bills definitely took a big painful bite out of my savings.)

There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud. I strongly believe that. Even if at the moment the silver lining is almost invisible. The rainbow shows up after a heavy rain. The sun will always rise after the darkest hour.

Hopefully, the rainbow will have a pot of gold somewhere.

a free friday and conversations about love

I made yesterday a free day. What with the Hong Kong trip and then the work that had to be done the very moment I got back, I was exhausted and drained towards the end of the week. In a twist of luck, Friday's fieldwork was postponed and rescheduled, so I decided I should give myself a break. In another serendipitous stroke, my best guy friend texted and wanted to meet up so at high noon I was outside his office building to meet up with him.

the street of the office where I used to work. everytime i visit i try to see if i miss that life. i miss my friends, and the lunches, and the coffee hours. i sometimes miss the dressing up. 

This best guy friend of mine is pretty cool. I'd recommend him to any girl looking for a serious decent guy. He's got his head and his heart in the right places. He's still got enough of the good old-fashioned values that make life have that extra depth and steadiness while at the same time he can rock it with the volatile younger set -- basically getting to savor the best of many worlds.  He's also a romantic - a rare breed.

my matcha green tea latte, delicious and bitter, like love sometimes

Over salmon and beef tongue, and afterwards over tea lattes, we caught up on each other's stories and as always happens, we consulted each other on the state of our love lives.  He always gives me sound advice, and that very valuable male perspective. He certainly gave me that much needed pull to keep my feet on the ground regarding my current dilemma. In return, I give him my thoughts and perspectives the state of modern relationships in general as he puzzled over what women really wanted. We both graduated from a university where every student has an automatic minor in philosophy so you can imagine how we have grown to love to dissect and analyze and theorize.

In our circle of friends there is a bunch of us who have not yet settled into marriage, much less into a long-term relationship. In the case of my friend and I, we always kept on finding ourselves back to square one, looking for The One. We say we are open and ready. Yet somehow nothing's leading anywhere. We both have people we are interested in but we can't somehow break through. The other single people all claim to be wanting to be in a relationship but no one is really making a move. And then there are those who just seem to not care at all whether they are in a relationship or not. We seem to have become dead ends and brick walls to each other. If the human species depended on us for survival... well, you get the picture.

I asked if it was because guys don't take risks anymore, or if girls have become too self-sufficient. We are all at that stage where we are stable and able and have enjoyed enough of life to move on to the next level. What are we waiting for? My friend asked, are we that tentative?

Are we perhaps too stuck in in our single comfort zones? That maybe it's too much effort to make that shift? I love my little studio. Have I actually thought about eventually sharing it with someone? Or even giving it up for a new home with another person?

And as self-sufficiency goes, it could be that our need for an Other has become less urgent. We can give ourselves what we want. We can make enough money. And sex? It has become available enough without the fuss of commitment. We give away our kisses and hugs so casually nowadays. Even the desire for children has become less urgent. Women who want to be mothers first seem to be slowly becoming exceptions than the rule. We all want to be something else first.

My friend said that maybe the shift required of getting into a relationship especially for those in their 30s is too much reworking of habits and priorities. I said, that is possible, the add-on to one's life has to be significant enough to push anyone, especially the jaded/bitten/burned ones, to make another shift in their life, to be willing to ride that roller coaster again.

I said we need something that will move us strongly enough. We need to bring back romance. Where is the love, so to speak. My friend said we need to get "smitten" back and I think he may have a point. I also realize that nowadays, we actually get embarrassed to be "smitten", or "in love", or "crazy" about someone. It's like it's a weakness or a vulnerability, something to be hidden or tamed. No one wants to be a fool over love anymore. It all only happens in the movies now.

I said we have also grown too fond of playing it safe. There are too many options and venues for a guy to test the waters with a girl without actually putting oneself out. We have lost many of the old traditions and values of courtship. Do guys even ask girls for formal dates anymore?  Or do we all just wait for things to "fall into place (conveniently) and see how it goes"?

So there. That was probably an unusual post from me but I just had to write it and share it. Maybe it's also because I am falling in love (early stages, very dizzying).

But true to the spirit of this blog, inspiration and optimism are the key. I have a friend who is getting married in May and she was once our ultimate single girl -- but she got found. And now I recall all the other fairy-tale-love-stories of people I actually know.

We will all be found.

fired up on fridays

I don't know what causes it exactly but on Fridays I get more ideas popping in my head and I feel more motivated to complete a lot of things that have been pending for the whole week. It's a kind of mood that I should be having on a Monday morning except that I have it on Fridays. It could be a desire to tie up all loose ends before a new week begins, or it could be an unacknowledged excitement for the weekend. It is a good feeling because I do get a lot done but on the other hand I also feel a twinge of frustration as the day feels lacking in hours for all that I want to do.

I also seem to learn and catch on quickly on Fridays. Maybe it's like a positive kind of panic. That I have to squeeze in as much as I can because when Saturday rolls in then I would suddenly switch off to shift into weekend mode. Like one final mad rush.

Well, today I have to do work because --- I have work on Sunday! The work I need to do today is preparatory for the Sunday thing. And I just got a text message from a business partner that more data will be delivered tomorrow so I guess tonight and tomorrow night will be long ones again.

But --- just this morning I told myself to focus on the things that do go right. Like the fact that all the work data will come in on time, even if it is last-minute. That my sister had the extra keys to my home when I accidentally locked myself out this morning because I was so distracted by worry that I forgot to pick them up. That the downpayment check was ready on schedule even when I had to give in to the higher percentage tax. That I have an accountant who will help me sort out the tax deductions. Most importantly, that whatever was left after the taxes would at least cover the biggest bills for the month.

There had been a series of little frustrating things for the whole of the week and they got me soooooo close to considering just being employed again (with a lot of negotiated freedoms for lesser but stable pay). But my sister is right and even my accountant (who was innocently sharing a story that somehow emphasized on the same exact message) is right in saying that no big decision should ever be made in an emotional moment (except perhaps when the love of your life suddenly gets down on his knees and asks you to marry him - then you can say yes immediately, but then you knew you would do that all along so I guess it doesn't really count).

On that note I end with shared photos from my future business space, Etsy, by a favorite seller theloveshop.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/90807414/think-happy-thoughts-8x10-on-a4-vintage

13 things to do (or not do) after executing a heartbreaking decision

There are many ways in which we get our hearts broken or our spirits crushed. Maybe it's a break-up of a relationship, or a decision to leave and move away from a beloved place, or a choice to stop doing something that is important to you but due to certain circumstances must be given up.

Whatever the situation, here are personally-tested ways of getting yourself up and on-track with life instead of being caught up in sadness. It is okay to dwell and acknowledge the sadness and pain but it is equally, if not more, important to know when it is time to take that deep brave breath and move forward. Remember, you are not the only one limping around with a broken heart. We could all use company :) and most especially, the inspiration to getting through it :).

1
Don't be alone. Ask a sister or a best friend to sleepover especially for the first night. Or sleepover at a friend's house. The goal here is not to be trapped in your own thoughts when you are at your most vulnerable. Having company helps you process the event in a more healthy way by having another perspective and encouragement and support.

2
Start a new project. Look at your someday-to-do list and pick one item. Getting yourself busy by engaging mind and body will help in pulling your heart out of the slumps. In my case I finally got myself seriously moving towards making those creative photo albums and photo journals that I have been meaning to make for ages.

3
Learn something new. Another way of getting yourself feeling that you are moving forward is to expose yourself to new things and expand what you know. For my part, I learned to sew, an activity that required concentration and motor skills and definitely a certain amount of love because I believe it is one of those things that you master with patience and perseverance. I have always wanted to sew and I have always wanted to make something with my hands and maybe make something of myself through  what I create. Taking this step makes me realize that there is a whole world to learn and explore and it would be a waste to just sit around wistfully for the past.

4
Make lists of happy goals for the next 4 weeks. This is something I picked up from our friend SexyJen. At this point you will have started to notice that many of the suggestions on this list really focuses on moving forward. It is because I have been at that stage when I wallowed so long that I later regretted not rousing myself up to move on soon enough. You can always take that occasional pause to grit your teeth through a painful thought but the point is not to linger.

The lists will help keep you focused on the positive actions you can take and will remind you that you have the power in you to heal yourself and make even better decisions and choices in the future.

The other way of making lists is to list all your accomplishments in a day no matter how small (including cleaning out the kitty litter and eating lunch). This will show you that you are whole and able and strong -- most importantly it will remind you how blessed you are and how thankful you should be that you are able to do all those things.

5
Don't go to the mall for retail therapy. Wait a few days, and when you do go, have a list that is according to some specific purpose, like that new project or that new thing you are learning. This way you satisfy the need to buy something but also not waste the purchase on impulse items. You don't want to add the heartbreak of a huge credit card bill to what you are already dealing with!

6
Immediately remove anything in your home that reminds you of the heartbreaking event. Just the same way as vision boards help us focus forward and attract the right energies to fulfill them, constantly seeing reminders of what broke our hearts will weigh us down. You don't need to throw them away as if you didn't care. Put them away and deal with the items later on when you are more ready.

7
Do a bit of redecorating and re-arranging of your space. This will further help in easing out any sad or painful memories because even if you take out the reminders, the old arrangement will make you think of what used to be there.

8
Do go out. Step out of your home but into a friend's or family's home. Spend a day helping out with chores or cooking in another's kitchen. This helps you slide back into the rhythm of daily life while having company and absorbing the positive energies of those around you.

9
Do a through cleaning of your home. You can do this in stages spread out through a week. You can do this simultaneously with the redecorating and rearranging. As you clean, visualize old energies and stagnant energies being swept away. After cleaning, light a scented candle and play a favorite happy music playlist to thoroughly refresh the space. This simple little ritual can send the right signals to your brain and your heart that things are going to be really okay.

10
Get in touch with dear friends and family through email, letters, phone calls. Not necessarily to moan or mourn about what just happened but to remind yourself that the people who do understand and who will support you no matter what are just there to support you. Stretch yourself out and reach out and feel how big your world actually is and how filled it is with people who care about you.

This would even be a great moment to write gratitude letters to those people so that you focus on the all the good and blessings instead of the sad thing.

11
Plan a trip. Be it local or abroad, plan a trip but definitely make it out of town. Find family or friends with whom you can stay for a few nights. Learn about the place. Plan an itinerary. Get yourself excited. Even if the trip does not push through immediately (in my case I cannot yet spare the money for travel), the planning will give you that feeling that there is somewhere to go, and that there are many things, places and people out there waiting for you. You can move forward and the horizon is vast and deep.

Who knows, if you exude the right energies you might find yourself in a free trip brought on by serendipitous events.

12
Do get a haircut or a trim or even just a simple hair pampering treatment. A nail spa treatment works too. Just as redecorating your home can help ease out any sad associations, so does giving your own self a bit of a makeover. Don't do anything drastic, you are not trying to escape or run away from reality. Instead what you are doing is enhancing yourself for the even better days ahead.

This doesn't even have to be an expensive treat. In my case, I just got new nail polish and did my own nails. I also trimmed my own bangs. The target is to have a bit of change on you physically, and if you think about it, all that time you were just focused on you and making you pretty is in itself a pampering.

13
Dress up nicely everyday. Don't look as miserable or sad as you may feel. People will respond to you more positively instead of highlighting your sadness or loss or pain. In turn, you will feel cheered by their response. You see what I'm getting at?

All of these look easy on print. I will be the first to say it is not as easy in action. I've been there. Pretty recently. Literally less than a week. But I have also reached that stage in my life when I recognize the futility of wanting to change the past or bringing it back. There is only today and there is only moving forward. I still have the occasional cry at night, usually before I go to sleep. But then I remind myself of these things on the list and suddenly my life feels full.

The universe will take care of you. But you will have to take the first step. The rest will follow.

*Hugs to everyone out there nursing a broken heart*

last-minute magic

I was bracing myself for not going. There was no way I can swing it.

As I cleaned and cleared my closet and dusted off my travel bag, a memory surfaced. There is this one project that I have shelved in my head but which still owes me a decent amount of money. I could get paid for it within November if I push hard enough for the project implementation (I have not pushed hard enough because I never liked pushing anyone into anything except maybe pushing myself). On the other hand, I realized that if I am going to be serious about making proper money from this business I should level up my aggressiveness a few notches.

So I remembered that project. And if I just do a couple of days' intense revisions to the materials I could push for a project implementation closer to my terms but which will benefit both parties. Hence it will not be too much of a stressful thing.

And if I am able to push for that project I can get paid. Then that gap in my budget which prevents me from crossing over to helping the trip happen can be filled enough to make me manage.

I did not practice kendo to reserve my energies for work and preparations. I scoured the Internet for hotels and I found a good promo deal from a 4-star hotel right along Nathan Road and right within the area of one of the walking tours that my sister and I want to do. We filled up the forms, reviewed options, changed our minds, searched, repeated the process, repeated it again, and lingered over the "confirm" button until we decided to press it together by 8:30 in the evening.

Then it was just the spending money, of which we need just a little because we were willing to survive on 7-eleven meals.

Our dear, dear friend Peter Paul got wind of our plans and casually mentioned he had some Hong Kong dollars stowed away. He offered to lend it to us, let us use it, and have us pay only for the exact amount we actually consume so we don't have to spend any extra for foreign exchange (of course we return all the extra dollars to him).

And that solves our daily cash dilemma. We have more than enough for meals, getting around and a few cups of good tea or coffee. Most of the time we intend to do walking tours, read in the parks, maybe visit a museum, take lots of photographs, write in our journals, and simply savor the deliciousness of being someplace else. This will be a strictly super-budget trip and I would like to see how savvy we can be on the thinnest of shoestrings. Maybe you can pick up a trick or two later on.

With everything being last-minute, I am now on a deadline to get packed and fully prepared, plus take care of some work details like emails to clients to remind them that I will be out for the week. Flight is at 5:40AM tomorrow.

I'm still not absorbing the fact yet 100%. But I will be going to Hong Kong tomorrow with my sister. Yaaaay!!!