sick day and introverted musings

I have been under the weather all day yesterday. I suspect an intense stress and anxiety attack as the main cause. Things at work are rather stirred up at the moment and important decisions have to be made.

In the middle of all this I found myself thinking about a bit of a revamp for this blog. Maybe it's my way of coping with all the other matters that demanded for my time and attention. I am also feeling that familiar itch to lock myself up in a room for days and write my books without interruption.

It is Saturday and I will have to get some work tasks done. Then tonight I might be stepping out a bit to visit a friend whose father had just died. If events unfold as planned I might also end up telling another person how much I had been hurt by his behavior weeks ago and for which I have hardly forgiven him.

Yes, it is most likely too much anxiety and stress that is getting me all sick and tired in every sense of the words.

I am reading this book :

It is written by Sophia Dembling and it caught my attention while I was browsing in the bookstore last Thursday.  It is easy to read and very uplifting for an introvert like me.

I like the chapter that discusses friendship:

"What is a friend? We probably all have out own definitions. For me, it's someone I don't feel alone with. Who doesn't bore me. Whose life I connect with and who takes reciprocal interest in my life. It's someone I feel comfortable turning to when I need to be talked off the ledge, and for whom I am glad to return the favor."

"Once we start investing in a friendship, we start weighing what we get back. It's a make-or-break time. And for introverts, the investment can feel costly in terms of energy expended. It's the points when we start asking, 'why bother?' --- a legitimate question, as long as it's treated as a question rather than a blow off. Is this person willing to see you, and fun to be with, one-on-one? Does the conversation flow? Is it satisfying? Do you feel energized or depleted after time with this person? I love friendships where the conversation is so interesting, you can't end it even when the visit is supposed to be over."

Sometimes I feel I could use a couple more people who could be real friends. I could relate when my sister moans her lack of a girlfriend posse. We both dream of a constant group of four to five girls sharing the same values and overlapping some interests. The values are important. We could like totally different music but having the same values mean we agree on the things that matter -- in our case those would include compassion for animals and care for nature, reciprocity and responsiveness in relationships, respect for religious beliefs, just to name a few.

I am an introvert who is rather pained by the fact that I have to survive in the world of advertising. I am writing myself a whole notebook on the subject to sort it out and maybe find something that could ease me through until the time that I could fully focus on my book-writing and art-making. I don't want t spend days of my life just gritting my teeth through "shoulds" and "musts" until I could literally afford to be simply a writer and an artist.

Sometimes I feel like the effort will kill me. Pushing myself to be the kind of person everyone expects and then be the kind of person I really am. It's a tightrope walk without a net.

I promise to be brighter soon.

and then the story starts rewriting itself

In less than a week.

I simply could not stop writing.

The story writes itself even when I sleep and my fingers will be dripping with words in the morning.

Loving Scrivener and Scapple. Very much.

novel in progress

My Derwent Inktense has opened up new ways of making art and creating illustrations for my fantasy novel which I started out last November via NaNoWriMo. I am in no rush to publish because I want it to be done well. I have decided it will be an illustrated novel and that I want it printed on "aged"-looking paper. Which means that actual printing will probably take a while and I will have to start with digital publishing if I want to get all the colors and images in. I will be self-publishing so I only have myself yelling at myself to get some work done everyday.

Here is the draft of my cover:

And here is my initial attempt at a map. I need one because the place is pure invention.

One of the key items in the story is an urn and I have imagined it to be this:

I find myself progressing faster when I added the illustration work alongside the writing. So it is like watching and listening at the same time and then somehow managing to take it all down on paper as the story unfolds. Rather tricky but also surprisingly motivating. The story feels more substantial because I have visual anchors. Besides, I have always loved the interplay between words and images and I am delighted to have the opportunity to use both in this story.

At some point I would like to be able to draw people because there are some scenes I would just love to portray. I can draw women but drawing men needs more practice. We'll see how that goes.

I might also begin on some illustrations for the poetry books and those I need to prioritize because they will be "released" ahead. By released I mean producing the book in high-quality PDF/e-book format and sharing a portion of the first volume for free, like a Kindle sample. Then the full volume can be available by order. I don't know yet how I will do the sharing and ordering but I guess I will just play it by ear.

What have you been up to lately?

quick shots

I've been busy -- mainly drawing, painting, writing, reading, and today it was working.

My house chores are way behind but I'm pleased with the creative productivity.

The week started well and hopeful.

Latest piece. I have quite a number of drawings waiting for color in line.

Making the wait for a meeting worthwhile with a book. Finished two books this week.

I have a watcher keeping me safe and supervised every day.

day of The Artist's Way

I have started on this book last month and then I had to put it aside for money work.

But today I resumed reading it after savoring the wonderful delightful feeling of completing all the day's chores by 9AM simply because I made myself wake up and get up at 6AM.

So basically I am FINALLY doing something I've been wanting to do for weeks since I put this book aside for money work. (I have also been wanting to play Skyrim for weeks. Maybe I will do that tonight after dinner. We'll see.)

I have read this book way back in the late 90s and I have forgotten most of the wisdom I have gained from it. As I travel through its pages again I could feel my spirit remembering.

"The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention." - Julia Cameron

day 6 : Draw Your Favorite Book

My favorite book is poemcrazy by Susan Goldsmith Wooldridge. I got it in May of 1997 and my copy is so yellowed and the pages are starting to get brittle. This book has gotten me through many phases in my life and has certainly gotten me to write countless poems (some of which I hope to self-publish soon). It has kept me sane by helping me contain my insanities. It has nurtured my creative spirit. It has comforted and consoled me in my sad days. And most importantly it has always inspired me to explore my own path  and map my own journey in words.

knitting, step one

I bought these from Etsy:

And I might get these:

There is actually a knitting lesson offered in one of the malls in the city but when I visited, the store personnel were not helpful, friendly, nor warm. It was pretty disappointing. And when I checked the prices for the knitting products they were pretty high.

So I went to Etsy and found even better looking knitting needles at competitive prices, sold by people who are passionate about knitting and who ooze warmth even through their store pages. I really just can't feel comfortable paying my money to a store that does not seem to care. I'd rather wait for my purchase but feel good about it.

And for learning, I just might get this book:

I should be knitting by February. :)

truly nesting in

My back has been aching since yesterday. I must have strained it with three whole days spent redecorating and painting and walking long hours through shops looking for ideas and materials.

So today I decided to stay home and take it a bit easy. I was planning to start on painting my wall but I didn't want to make my backache worse. Hence after doing half an hour of yoga for back pain, I contented myself with painting smaller objects. I also got a start on fixing my kitchen cabinets and making sure that there are no old useless stuff to carry on to the new year.

My home is starting to look and feel bright. It is no longer just a waiting place, or a transition place. Regardless of how my life turns out this will be my little refuge. A place and space for creativity and comfort.

A definite good morning as the morning mail brought my Mod Podge order from Deovir.

It's orange day today. I got this pretty shade called Tiger Lily from Ace Hardware. 

This metal lamp got a bit of extra after the paint. Glittery jewels in the middle of the biggest flowers to add a bit of something.

My entrance table gets a brightening up as well so it does not melt into the shadows and the somber gray of the refrigerator (which it is actually trying to distract from).

The refrigerator gets clothed in bright stripes to complement the entrance table. Mr. Pebbleman is assigned the welcoming role.

Whole waiting for the paints to dry I started fixing my kitchen cabinets. I need to get more of those shelf helpers that let me maximize my shelf space by adding second layers. The mason jars at the top shelf are joyful finds and will be used for projects as well as some food preserves.

The mason jar box became the Mogget box.

That's pretty much what I got to do today with my back feeling bruised and beaten. I took a lot of breaks during which I read The Perfectly Imperfect Home -- a perfect match for my current activity. This book is one of my Christmas gifts to myself. I also read from Alphabet of Thorn, a fantasy book I purchased for my iPad Kindle. It's been a while since I got caught up in a magical story, I didn't realize I missed it so much.

Only two more days until the new year. I should get started on my new year lists! Maybe I'll put that on my to-do for tomorrow. Until then, savor whatever is left of this old year! Tweet

the simpler life

In between work stuff I take breaks by reading other books. Yesterday I had Savvy Chic and my bookmark led me to the chapter on money. I miss having paydays.

But on the other hand, I realized that I would not learn all that I know now if I had not given up paydays. So in the long run, I guess I can say it has been all worth it. :)

another bookmark

Here's another bookmark made by my sister which I'm using while reading Savvy Chic.

free bookmark!

The nice thing about a crafty sister is I get a lot of free goodies. Especially bookmarks - which I get to use a lot because I read multiple books at a time and I like marking favorite pages and passages.

The latest I got is this one:

brave

if i were wise as people think, i would stop
and cut ties now, while all our
soul-threads are still fine and like
spider-webs crisscrossing between us.
already there are spots getting 
tighter and denser, when i move
i can already feel you on the other end.


if i were kind to myself i would start
walking away, while distance can still
heal whatever gaping wound your absence
will tear upon me, while the memories
to be emptied are still in mangeable bundles,
easily buried in practical things
like work and obligations


if i were strong i would simply grit my teeth
and let it pass, this nausea of the heart,
because something posing as love has tickled its throat,
but i have tasted this before, sweet, sickening,
and false--- because it leaves me feeling
even more hungry and empty,
and starved.


but i am only brave
so instead i will tell you what my soul says
despite its folly, and its cruelty
and its weakness;
and then i will not run away
so you will not have to be
anything.

~~~~~~~~~

This is something I wrote on the edge of a breaking heart sometime in 2001. I found a copy of it pasted on the back cover of an old journal as I was clearing space for my craft materials. I miss those days when I could write poems like a mad raging river flowing to the sea. My inspirations then were different and my needs were always too big and too grand for me.

I would one day like to publish a small book of poetry. It has been an old dream of mine, back when there were more people actually reading poetry. I once went to a poetry reading in a bookshop in 2000. A young woman who was by then a professional feature writer with her own cult following approached me and asked for a copy of my poem which I had read at the event (with barely controlled nervous trembling). Then she asked me to sign the copy. As if she was insuring that in case I get published and became popular in the future she would have something of me when I was nothing. It was a sweet gesture I think.