a sunday of substance

Yesterday was a great day.

I have been excited for yesterday since I set that meeting with my bookseller friend. I have not seen him for a while and the books I have ordered have been languishing in his inventory for months. I was at the tail-end of a project and a fieldwork and thought I deserved a reward of some kind for being still alive. What better way than finally getting my old orders and paying up and maybe adding a couple new books to the package?

My friend sells good quality second-hand books which I absolutely love. Pre-owned books carrying a history of their own. Yellowed pages, old editions, rare hard-bounds. And that lovely old-book smell. He also sells notebooks – Moleskine and Field Notes and Fashionary. Yes, a dangerous combination for a writer/artist like me.

So I set up a meeting and I was fired up all week looking forward to it.

Layer on the discovery that Before Midnight opened in cinemas in July 10. Marvelous! The theme movie of my generation! If I had to name a mythology of romance for my generation it would be that trilogy. So I set Sunday afternoon for watching it with my sister, while also setting a couple of evenings beforehand to watch the first two movies.

Sunday arrived and I was like a child about to go on a field trip to Disneyland. Well I was. My own kind of Disneyland.

I met my bookseller friend in a cafe. He was late and I was too early. Which was perfect because I intended to get some writing done. I haven't written in a cafe for a long time, and it was such a glorious sunny morning, the cafe was half-empty, and there was this vintage jazzy music playing in the background. The other customers were quiet oldish people, not the usual crowd of noisy young things. Needless to say I felt right at home.

I took out my last Moleskine notebook (I have run out of stock) to write. I just have to say, I caught myself smiling many times at the sheer joy of the moment. In the past week there were little events that somehow perfected the trajectory of my life and I can feel the effect of it. Finding myself in that perfect spot on that perfect Sunday morning, I recognized the wisdom of the Universe and its infinite magic leading me to where I was. Most likely it was also where I needed to be. 

My dear friend arrived bearing my joys. Like a midyear Santa. A heavy bag of books and a heavy bag of Moleskine. He also brought a few vintage books I might be interested in (I was) and those were added to my loot.

I love vintage and old things, especially books. Look, this one survive through the war!

It was time to replenish my stocks. I am halfway through my last ruled Moleskine.

Then followed the kind of conversation that lifted one's spirits and refreshed one's faith in people and the world. Discussions about books, life decisions, the quality of paper, being independent, ideas and insights for improving our respective businesses, astronomy and mathematics, finding niches. An equal exchange without reservations or agenda, a connection that was effortless. I had missed it so very much.

We parted at lunchtime. I had a movie to catch. I also found out that another friend was joining me and my sister to the movie. Oh joy!

Before Midnight did not disappoint. I actually want to see it again and savor the words again. I didn't cry. Only almost. That part towards the end.

After the movie we had coffee and pastries at a nearby hotel. This time I was a content observer as my sister and our friend did most of the talking. But it was also one of those conversations that flowed naturally and without fear of misinterpretations or judgements. Then we went to my home to discuss options for framing my art works which I will be selling soon through another friend with a mobile vintage van (Doesn't that sound like a perfect way to start?) There were also some art and book discussions, analysis of men, women, and relationships, and a little history-digging for examples.

Brazo Bombs by The Legend Hotel. They taste like brazo de mercedes magicked into cream puffs. Very delicious!

The evening concluded with a light dinner. I started to feel tired and sleepy a little before ten. The adrenaline rush since the morning had finally worn off. I was happy. But my introvert self said, alright, time to draw back. If I had pushed myself more I would probably end up with a migraine. Oh, but make no mistake, it was the best Sunday I have ever had quite a long time.

I cleaned up, then tucked into bed with Sometimes The Magic Works. A fitting bedtime read for a beautiful day.

"I have decided, on reflection, it is best just to remember that sometimes the magic really works."
-Terry Brooks

How has the magic been working for you lately?

geek alert

I joined Scribd, which is hailed as a YouTube for Documents. There are catalogs from various book publishers, class lectures, serious papers -- lots of pretty useful stuff if you're doing research or merely curious. I found a paper discussing the shift from Feudalism to Capitalism which I saved for later reading. Don't ask me why. Certain things I just find interesting.

The site also shares book excerpts and I discovered this:

I have to admit, I want it.

Stuff like this interest me. Plus I really really like studying, as long as it's on a subject I like. There is a secret part of me that actually wants to be forever in a university, studying and doing research and writing papers. Spending days in the library. Hanging out in coffee shops and bookstores. Having exciting conversations with fellow learners.

If I could, I would like to go back to college and earn another degree, or two. Maybe I could. I wonder if I will survive the long homework nights as well as I did when I was eighteen. I'll take up Literature, Creative Writing, and Psychology. Then maybe take extra courses on History and Language Studies. All those reading to be done! Perfect excuse to stay curled up with books, paper, and pen for whole days.

a valentine birthday

Grandma and I

Born on Valentine's Day. That's me. Valentine eve was spent with my sister sleeping over and the two of us doing a Supernatural marathon -- the Winchester brothers can easily dispel real-life disappointments with real-life men.

My sister treated me to sandwich, donut, and coffee on the night before my birthday. It was part of her birthday gift. It has been a while since we spent cafe time together with just the two of us. I brought a book but did not get to read it.

Next morning was my breakfast treat at McNeighbor.

Then it was a special home-cooked lunch at my parents' house where I received the loveliest gifts. Afternoon was spent visiting my grandmother, watching more Supernatural, then a nap, then reading, then I treated the family to dinner at my dad's latest favorite chinese restaurant.

Lots of happy greetings and wishes on Facebook and by text message. Everyone who really mattered to me sent a greeting. I am joyful!

I'l post my gifts tomorrow as I need light to take photos and it is very late evening.

Nobody sent me a Valentine-related gift. No suitors or secret admirers revealing themselves.

I did get a small project though, and I will be working tomorrow afternoon which will let me pay some of this month's bills.

I am toying with an idea for a practical solution to getting more projects but I need to consider it carefully. It's on territory that I never really felt right in but it's an option. I'll see where the consideration takes me. I really want to go to England.

My three birthday wishes:
1) a happy steady source of sufficient income (something that will make me wake up eagerly in the morning so I can get to work)
2) a perfect husband (perfect for me, not perfect template)
3) a long visit to England

They say you should keep your wishes secret, but some say you should declare them to the Universe.  I choose to do the latter to stir up the energies towards their fulfillment.

Any wishes you care to share? :)

around the mango tree

I had lunch with a very dear friend today. He also used to be my boss and is a believer in the kind of research work that I do (i.e. my dayjob). At the same time he is a staunch supporter of everything else in my life. But most importantly he has become the best kind of friend anyone can ever hope to have in a lifetime.

We agreed to meet up at a bookstore by noon. He came from a meeting so he was a few minutes late, which meant that I ended up discovering and finding books. There was this blank moment and then I am suddenly in possession of three new books that I could barely afford (although they were priced quite low for a regular book).

My friend and I had lunch at a Thai restaurant called The Mango Tree. We had pomelo salad with prawns for starters, then grilled steak with thai sauce and seafood with hot basil. We were so engrossed with catching up that I totally forgot about taking a snapshot of the food. But here's a snapshot of the ever delicious Illy coffee.

I always believe that people and events come upon us when we are ready to receive the message. Something along the line of the saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. For today, my friend has been the strong gust of wind that blew on my sails and helped me move forward with an optimistic heart. He shared a number of inspiring stories, particularly how the tide turned just when he thought it never would. I like that image of the tide turning, of last-minute plot twists, even a deux ex machina, a divine intervention, an explosion of magic.

Today my well of hope has been refreshed. Even when many things are still up in the air and seem to be evading resolution.

I have started re-writing my novel after letting it rest for a couple of weeks. And again I am experiencing that joy and calm that lifted me up before amidst the uncertainties and trials. Anger, despair, and fears are channeled into this creative endeavor. When nothing much is happening in real life, it helps to make things happen on the page.

On the way home I finally made myself purchase a large old dictionary with yellowing pages for a creative project that I have been wanting to do for months. I was postponing it because I thought it cost too much given my budget constraints. When I checked again today, however, the shop was on sale and the price was a third of what I thought it was.

I walked home from the mall (where the secondhand book shop was), my arms aching with the weight of the dictionary. But I treated it like a little exercise and did not mind the burning pain in my muscles as I dodged traffic and marched steadily through the varying slopes of the sidewalk.

I am now back on my writing desk, CSI: New York playing in the background, and chores lined up for the evening. It has been a good day.

oh joyful words, balm to my heart

Way back in 2005 or 2006 I had this major crush on a work colleague. He was an artist and he was charming and sweet and funny. I was an overworked, generally unhappy, and creatively-empty head of a department. I was in a relationship on a downhill with someone else but I was too much of a coward to end it because it was just too much trouble. Besides, my artist crush was also in a relationship. Nah, too complicated and I didn't think my artist ever saw me in that light.

So that time I was so fascinated by that artist that I found myself writing little poems on the margins of my work notebook. Then I found myself contemplating the idea of a novel because it was the only way I could give free rein to the tumult of emotions that were harassing my flagellated spirit. Needless to say that artist also inspired my main character.

I started writing the novel and got as far as the first chapter. Then work took over my life again and the novel was shelved and I started to think I was not cut out for writing fiction.

It was a fantasy novel, with magic and dragons and a love story.

Two years ago I quit the job that sucked my spirit dry and it took me those two full years to heal my spirit back to health.

This year on All Hallow's week, I was visited by the ghost of an old professor, a writer, who had encouraged me to write. I found her letter as I was looking for something else, I think it was an account number or a receipt. As I read the letter I got goosebumps, and then quite teary-eyed. She had passed away years ago, you see. And to read her kind generous words at a time in my life when I am just aching for some magic to happen was just so timely.

The next day, I don't know how but a Facebook link led me to NaNoWriMo and I heard my old professor's voice repeating what she wrote. Then my mind went: You don't do fiction. You do poetry. You do essays and feature writing. You do blog posts. Never fiction. You won't be able to sustain it. You will just end up writing something so cliche and trite. And one of the loudest: You should not be wasting the month writing a novel that will most likely not be published. You should be Looking For A Job.

So I went for a walk, found myself in a bookstore, and my feet, by habit, brought me to the fantasy section. Jutting out incongruously among the young adult fantasy books was a hardbound book in black and red that first shouted "Neil Gaiman"(who wrote the foreword) to me, then followed immediately by "Diana Wynne Jones". Two of my most admired authors. It turned out to be a book by Diana entitled "Reflections On The Magic Of Writing".  I skimmed the contents and found pieces that would be helpful if I dared to write a novel.  I checked and found that it was the last copy on the shelf. I wasn't even sure if it was supposed to be there. Goosebumps again. Was it waiting for me? And here's the thing. She has also passed away so maybe she was recruited by my old professor to cheer me on.

When I got home I signed up for NaNoWriMo, read through the instructions, and waited for November.

When the time had come to start writing, I did. And everything I ever read about writing from Anne Lamott, Ann Patchett, Stephen King, Natalie Goldberg, Susan Wooldridge, and Julia Cameron came crashing back. I suddenly had these inspiring teachers looking over my shoulder urging me forward. Yes, just keep on writing. It's okay to have shitty first drafts. Listen, watch, the story will take you where you need to go.

I had decided to resurrect that old idea for a novel I had in 2005-2006, with some tweaks. Now it is a fantasy novel, with magic and dragons and three love stories on which the survival of a world depends. Something along those lines. One of the main characters was still inspired by that artist - I am still in touch with him and he is still charming and sweet and funny. Another main character was inspired by a person who continues the tradition of everyone else I have ever liked who never liked me back. Yes, now you see why I need to write. The happiness I feel when writing can easily make up for being ignored or passed over.

Last night I submitted my novel for validation, having completed a most-likely shitty first draft that exceeded the minimum requirement of 50,000 words. This morning I was confirmed a winner on my first attempt to write a novel.

I finished ahead of schedule, and I am now starting to work on the editing as well as filling in the plot holes and doing extra research for authenticity.

I had written a novel. After years of believing I never could or would.

The idea of getting it published is a nice thing but I want to edit and clean it up for myself more than anything else. I have a few friends who genuinely want to read it and I will let them. But the most important thing I learned as I was writing this novel was how much I do love writing and that I have been limiting myself by keeping away from fiction. Now I have a good list of ideas for a collection of short stories. I am also motivated to get all those poems in order and put them into a semblance of a book.

November is on its last week and I still don't have a job but I have the first draft of a novel. Instead of 50,000 cash, I have 50,000 words. Yet somehow I feel strangely very happy.

What beautiful thing has happened to you lately?

a book cover

I am being pressured by the empty book cover box in my NaNoWriMo dashboard so I put one together quickly. Here is working cover which basically captures the play of the elements crucial to the story, with a heavier emphasis on water and fire.

Appropriately I used and edited a photo I had taken during my recent trip to the beach this May. The photo was shot beneath the Spider House where we stayed.

And here are my stats for the day. So far, so good.

NaNoWriMo quick post

I am on the fourth day of the NaNoWriMo challenge and I have more than six thousand words.

My novel is a fantasy with magic and dragons and a love story thrown in for good measure.

I mustered up the courage to join and afterwards to persevere with the challenge because I was sent messages by the ghosts of two authors : Doreen Gamboa Fernandez (a local author who was also my journalism professor in college) and Diana Wynne Jones (popular British author of the Chrestomanci series). Appropriately these happened right before Halloween and on All Souls' Day.

My cat Mogget has kept me company through the late writing nights.

I powered myself with coffee, pizza, Coke, and occasional trips to write in McNeighbor for a change of scenery. This was just for the first three days to get me going with the first few thousand words. I am on a good pace now and no longer need extreme measures to keep writing. So far so good.

In the process of writing this novel I have discovered a whole new level of joy.

My novel writing is interspersed with a lot of journal writing, sometimes like a running commentary on how the novel writing is going. Sometimes the novel writing triggers other writing project ideas or life project ideas and I put those down in the journal. I have never written so richly, not since the time I was spilling out love poems almost everyday when I was in my twenties. The poetry has been sparse for the past ten years but I can feel it gearing up for a comeback soon. Oh what lovely time lies ahead!

I invested in a paper dictionary and thesaurus because there is nothing like the feel of paper and smell of ink when you are in the midst of creating a world in words. I also find the dictionary apps and online dictionaries too distracting with too many extras on the side. I also want my resources portable and not dependent on battery life. I want all the battery life of my iPad spent on writing.

A part of me regrets that I have not done this sooner. And then another part of me responds with the thought that there is always a Perfect Time for everything and Now is my Perfect Time for this. There is nothing to regret.

time for some cupcakes

It's a bit costly to bake. The bulk of the cost comes from the butter and eggs. I would love do it more often but the side effects of inflated hips and deflated wallet temper my enthusiasm.

Last week I decided to bake so I could bring cupcakes for my mom who was in the hospital at that time. They would also serve as snack foods for my dad and sister for whom I have been temporarily playing the role of home cook since my mom was sick.

As always, the joy of creating something delicious and pretty from a bunch of raw ingredients never fails to lift my spirits.

the last day of Christmas

Today is the last day (or week?) of Advent. Christmas decors will really have to come down starting tomorrow. I've put mine away even before the new year. But some families like to keep the spirit lingering until the Three Kings have visited the baby Jesus.

My grandma is one such person. We visited her today and she was so happy and surprised to see us. She was already planning her Valentine's home decor and showed us a box of dolls she will be using for her handmade displays. I can't wait to see what she will do with them!

Then she insisted that we stay for lunch and she shooed us away from her kitchen as she whipped something up. We all had a full happy lunch of soup and her homemade embotido and she also added some chicken luncheon meat. She went to the trouble of arranging the food on a bed of greens and sliced onions and tomatoes. Then we had fruit salad for dessert.

It was raining and her home was so cozy and warm and filled with grandma loving energies.

In the afternoon we went to a friend's house because he has been wanting us to see their Christmas decor especially the themed Christmas Tree - another family who likes to squeeze the most of the Christmas season. The trip was well worth it because the tree was truly lovely (I would guess it was about 12 feet tall or more) and then we got to listen to some nice music and we got fed a bowlful of super delicious pasta carbonara.

It was a rather unusual Sunday for me and my sister but very refreshing and relaxing and heartwarming. This new year is really proving to be a great one!

2011: the Year of Return, a summary

For the past four years I have been "picking up" certain themes and energies from each year as it begins. It started with 2008 which was the Year of Shifting. 2009 was the Year of Resolution (especially after the mostly unexpected shifts of the previous year). 2010 was the Year of Harvest (as a result of decisions made from the previous). This year, 2011, is the Year of Return.

The Year of Return is about taking stock of where life is for you right now, the things that you have done, and where you want to go next. It is about acknowledging your own histories, especially the realities and lessons they have brought into your life. If there is anything you have refused to accept or recognize for all this time, then now is a good chance to make peace with everything and everyone, including yourself. It is also a time to forgive, again including yourself.

The Return can take many forms, from the most simple and mundane to the most surprising and spectacular. I have seen it manifested among family and friends -- husbands returning to wives they have left for so many years, families renewing bonds, younger generations finally looking back and recognizing the wisdom of the older. It could be as symbolic as returning to one's roots -- digging through histories and stories to find the seeds that feed who you are and who you have been, who you will be. It could be simple acts of revisiting places, getting in touch with old friends, even opening one's souvenir box and remembering what you used to love and what used to make you happy.

But the Return does not stop at the mere remembrance. It also demands recognition, acceptance, and integration into the Now. For to move forward you have to be whole, and to be whole you have to bring within you both your light and your shadow.

For my part, here is how the Year of Return has shaken my life (there will be separate posts for each so do visit again as the links become activated):

• Rediscovering and Re-embracing my Passions

• Finding my way back to Family and Re-evaluating my Friendships

• Reuniting with my Shadow Self

• Going back to the Simple Life and rediscovering Simple Joys

• Becoming Single again and Re-evaluating my Needs and Priorities

• Strengthening bonds with Mother Earth, return to Basics

With all of these "returns" I feel like I have gone through a major Soul Scrub that peeled away all that is unnecessary and unhelpful for me. While it remains that I want so many things to do and and to have, what changed is the nature of those things that I want to do and to have. They have better foundations now and hopefully also stronger cores that will help me barrel through challenges.

The returns have also helped me lessen my blind spots as I move forward. I will make decisions based on the right reasons and not because of pettiness or a tantrum or even vengefulness. I also choose to be happy, given all the realities of what I have been. where I have been, and the things that I have done. If there will be times when I need to walk through a shadowed path then I aim to be able to do so with grace and patience and optimism. The new year will not always be easy, but I intend to face every single day with hope and faith.

How has 2011 manifested for you?