midyear review

Come with a whoop,and come with a call.
Come with a whole heart or not at all.
(Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I am on my third year of being independent from employed work. It has been a very rough road but every time I look back, even though there are a few tweaks I would like to have done, I never ever regretted the move to resign from a very lucrative employment.

Whenever I look back, what stand out are the shining moments of my rediscovery of my passions. The first time I painted after more than two decades. The first time I wrote a novel. The first time I acknowledged how much I love writing, reading, and making art after many years of believing that they were dispensable hobbies next to the career that everyone measured me with.

Last year the solo work got to a point that I was desperate. I was in danger of losing my home because I had missed payments. There were no projects for more than six months. I wished for a job.

This year the job came. And so did the projects. And I found myself in a quandary. But in the end I chose to be true to what I have become.

It sounds crazy. A steady, most likely very fat, paycheck given up for a continued life of financial roulette. All I had to do was say yes. But I said no.

It was not an easy decision. But my heart has been more vocal since I started on this particular journey and it would not give me peace. My mind came up with exquisite arguments, logical explanations of the hows which, I have always been told, should be left in the hands of the Universe. Logic can only take me so far. In the end, will I be happy? Will I wake up in the morning with optimism or with dread? Will I risk the joyful creative life I have started to build for a life that satisfied only the expectations of others?

At the hardest point of my contemplation, Neil Gaiman's The Ocean At The End Of The Lane presented itself like a sign. It had completely slipped my mind that it would be out already, and I stumbled into it on the way to a client meeting. A beacon amidst the turmoil of my own thoughts.

"How can you be happy in this world? You have a hole in your heart. You have a gateway inside you to lands beyond the world you know. They will call you, as you grow. There can never be a time when you forget them, when you are not, in your heart, questing after something you cannot have, something you cannot even properly imagine, the lack of which will spoil your sleep and your day and your life, until you close your eyes for the final time...you will die with a hole inside you, and you will wail and curse at a life ill-lived." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

The Year of True Paths is halfway through. After finally making that crucial decision I need to make a plan. Solid enough so I will be true to myself in the daily choices I make, loose enough to allow for the playful storytelling of the Universe. For instance, London. I know I want, I need, to be there. The how is not clear, but I can do my part every day in little ways. London is my love story now. Each day is a step closer to a happily ever after.

"...so I turned, randomly, down another road, and took a left, and a right. It was only then that I realized where I was going, where I had been going all along, and I grimaced at my own foolishness." (Neil Gaiman, The Ocean At The End Of The Lane)

I heard it said, "When two points are destined to touch, even if a direct connection is impossible, the Universe will always find a way."

My heart tells me it is only a matter of time. And what of time? There is plenty. There is always enough. It is always perfect.

the gifts of clarity

Ever since I have been clarifying aspects of my life in the past few days and acting according to that clarity, there have been little events that demonstrate how things can fall into place.

No it's not magic or superstition. The way I see it, because I am clear with what I want and where I want to go, then my own awareness is attuned to that clarity. As a result, I am better able to spot opportunities or to recognize the things, people, and events, that can be helpful to my cause.

As opposed to being vague and uncertain, even if all the chances were given me, I would fail to recognize them as opportunities because I would not be sure that they are indeed opportunities. There would be doubt and there would be fear and there would be a lot of hesitation.

I am not even referring to grandiose desires here. Even with little things this whole formula of clarity leading to paths does work. When I am sure and clear then I am better able to discern what the next best step would be. And it is not about knowing exactly how and what the next step is for the whole stretch, but simply knowing at that exact perfect moment that it is time for the next step. My intuition is sharper. My gut-feel is more solid.

One of the first things I became clear with is my desire to literally write better and write more. I mean writing by hand, improving my penmanship, creating more handwritten works such as letters and postcards and design in general. I have been greatly inspired by a friend and role model, Leigh, who has very beautiful handwriting (and who also happens to be a passionate pen collector). I have been shying away from acknowledging my own enthusiasm for pens and handwriting until I actually lost patience with myself and decided that I want to nurture that aspect of me. Hence I made that post openly acknowledging myself as a pen enthusiast and its natural relation to a fondness for calligraphy and lettering.

So that became clear to me : I want to learn more and practice better handwriting, I want to eventually be able to do some level of calligraphy, I want to have my own modest pen collection, I want to integrate my writing skills into my artwork, I want a stronger handwriting habit in my daily life, I want to have a decent foundation of knowledge on pens and inks and their applications.

One of the first things I did was send a personal message to Leigh to thank her for her very enlightening blog because reading her posts definitely helped steer me in the right direction -- very useful since I really had no idea how to begin. In response, she gave me a vintage pen -- which for me was like a blessing and a welcome and a recognition all rolled into one. Her generosity helped dismantle the last few traces of any hesitation to move forward.

The note was written with the pen. Sadly I cannot yet reproduce the same quality of penmanship. :D

On that very same day, my mom stumbled upon my long missing glass dip pen -- it has been missing for years.

Today I took a walk around the neighborhood and found myself in a Surplus Shop specializing in items from Japan. I left the store with:

Five Ink Brushes at only Php10 each. 

A brush pen (also at Php10) that looks like it can be refilled with ink. It writes beautifully.

From deciding to evolve the literal act of writing it naturally followed that my own writing, the poems, the stories, the journals, also took a step to level up. It is like a whole Writing Revolution in my life, my writing is expanding itself and deepening itself, both inside (content and meaning) and outside (penmanship and calligraphy).

Already I am beginning to feel its ripple effect on other aspects of my life. The next thing to be bathed in the spotlight of clarity is my desire for baking, which in itself has always been on a defensive half-baked stance. I have started to sort it out since last night, and the resolution of the matter will be the subject of another post.

Have a great weekend!