simmering

like a cauldron bubbling
not so much trouble
but maybe a potful of delight and dreams

The year of true paths is winding towards an end. So much have been learned, most in very painful ways. But I am still here, surviving the consequences of choices and random acts of courage.

There have been losses in so many ways. My head still reels when memory marches before me a string of small tragedies and disappointments and failures long enough to strangle the breath out of anyone with a weaker spirit.

But yes, I believe my spirit is much stronger than it ever was.

As this year ends what is left is clarity.  It has swept through every aspect of my life and shooed away the shadows, forcing me to see.

I end this year better than I ended last year. In a manner of speaking. It is all a matter of perspective. I choose to see it as better.

Looking back, when this month was just beginning...

I was in a hotel somewhere down south of the country, about to begin fieldwork for a project that I am currently eyeball-deep in and trying to craft a report for.

N Hotel, Kauswagan, Cagayan de Oro City, Philippines

Even then I was already a bit behind with organizing my data. What with my disk drive dying on me and respondents suddenly deciding to be difficult.

Yesterday, in an almost desperate effort to improve the pace of my work I tried out something new. I tried using Scrivener, an app that I use for writing my books, to write my report and to organize my data.

And guess what, it seems to be working! Nothing as dramatic as getting the report done by end of the week but at the very least I can hope for a finished rough draft that I can polish next week (simultaneous with the start of fieldwork for another project). I will write a full separate post on the wonders of Scrivener after it has taken me through the Finish Line for both projects (that would mean a bit of a wait though, like, around July).

Meanwhile I bear the pain of not being able to read the books I got on sale from Cagayan de Oro City -- Less than Php500 for all of these:

 
Doctor Who keeps me company on the very late nights that I force myself to stay up. But it gets more difficult each day, trying to trick myself to do the same amount of crazy work I used to do when I was in my early twenties. There are more important things for me to do now than work. My body knows it. My heart knows it. My spirit knows it. They have all gotten wiser to the tricks I make to make them work too hard or too long.

I bear it all for a chance to be in London.

2013: The Year Of True Paths

I woke up very late today because I got home at almost four in the morning. My sister and I spent the first couple of hours of the new year watching Sense And Sensibility and taking good lessons from Jane Austen.

When I got home I was still very much awake and had to read myself to sleep, which meant that it must have been almost five in the morning. In keeping with one of the themes I intend to embrace this new year, I progressed through The Jane Austen Guide To Happily Ever After.

I changed my curtains into a sunshiny polka-dotted piece in the hopes of attracting money energies. At this point, every little bit will help, as far as I am concerned.

In the evening, I dared to spend a little bit of cash to treat my family out to dinner. It has been a long while since we could afford to celebrate by eating out in a nice restaurant. But I figured, it is the new year, and the energies are fresh and hopes are recharged. We went to a place we have not tried but which promised delicious celebratory comfort food. We had traditional dishes of crispy pata and kare-kare with steamed rice. We were served a complimentary basket of crispy delicious cracklings while we waited for the meal to be served.

Before leaving the house for dinner though, I finished a piece that was inspired by a private joke and secret among myself, my sister, and a common girl friend.

When I got home after dinner, I did one last journal page and admired my own handiwork. Love will be taken seriously this year, in all its forms and expressions. I will not be embarrassed by it, nor will I treat it like an afterthought.

2013 will be a Year of True Paths. After the rebirths of the previous year, it is now the time to nurture what have been reborn and rediscovered. To let these, by their nature, invite the right kind of people, opportunities, events, and experiences. The true ones that will nurture my own spirit and happiness. True friends, true loves, true passions. There will certainly be a lot of walking, aching feet, occasionally getting delayed by either hunger or exhaustion, maybe sometimes putting off the forward march by a day (but never more than a day). There may even be some doubling back, because of something forgotten or something missed. A loose end slipping out that must be cut clean. But always, always, it will all end with moving forward, even if it means leaving things and even people behind (like when they don't wish to walk with you nor catch up with you nor carry their own weight in the journey.) 

In moving forward I hope to see new places, meet new people (even if it is seeing the same old people in a new light that will forge deeper relationships), gain beautiful new experiences that will bring new lessons (or new ways of learning old ones). I hope to learn new things, to discover side journeys that will help me grow, and also I hope to be something new and something true to other people. I hope to be a true friend, and when the Universe says it is time, a true love. 

What true path will you be walking this year?

loose ends, full circles

At Hong Kong, February 2012, before the retreat.
Photos belatedly, yet also timely, shared by a sempai.
My hair was so short!

It is the last month of the year. Soon enough I will be scrambling to put together some kind of year-end summary blog post on what this year had brought me.

For this post I wish to lay to resolution one thing that had hovered around me like a hungry vulture.

I had started out 2012 highly optimistic. A quarter of the way through, something gave on a part of my life that left me broken-hearted in so many ways. In March of this year, I decide to take time off from my kendo, needing time to heal and sort out my heart and my spirit.

Things built up through the four and a half years I have been practicing, starting out nice and sweet like all good intentions usually do, and then somehow not surviving the random tests that the Universe threw to poke at their authenticity. I had my failings and my failures. What made them more painful was the realization that there were also people who failed me. It would not have hurt so much if the way it happened was like a clean strike that left no doubt of its intention to slice through a hand, eviscerate, or cleave one in half. But it happened in subtle stabs and little sabotages, leaving  no evidence behind, no witnesses. By the time I realized I was wounded and losing too much blood, I was too weak. It became a time when kendo brought out the worst in me and also made me feel the worst about myself. I discovered reservoirs of hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, and other unpleasant things hidden within myself. I came to kendo hoping to learn calm and peace in the midst of adversity and I learned the opposite.

It was not just the practice of kendo, although that in itself was already a challenge that consumed every ounce of my courage. It was the the little things around it that when you gather them together could be as dangerous and damaging as a Portuguese man o' war. The things on the side that most people dismiss and take in stride. But I came to the dojo with all heart and took things too seriously perhaps, trusted too easily. Now I know oh so much better.

Yesterday, after more than eight months of absence and avoidance, I went back to the dojo. I wanted to see what I would feel, if I still wanted to come back, if I could bear to come back.

Here's a very useful advice: staying away for a good chunk of time does help. A lot. Never ever underestimate the value of a retreat, in all its shades of meaning. There will always be a time when it is the best thing you could ever do for yourself.

(During my retreat I had: written a novel, redecorated my home, painted a lot, redesigned my career, read too many books)

As I walked towards the dojo,  I could feel my heartbeat becoming erratic. Two-thirds of the way my fingertips were as cold as ice and I had to breathe through my mouth.

I came in when the session had started so I would not have to talk to anybody, and I stepped out during the break for the same reason. But one thing that the retreat had brought me was clarity. As well as the calmness of distance. That clarity was completed when I was inside the dojo with the reality of everything and everyone in it. That clarity guided me, and then finally, I knew what to do, what to say, and knew not to care if I, in turn, be the cause of hurt or disappointment. I have been making too many allowances for others, I think it's time I take mine. As the wife of the club president had told me while she was convincing me to come back, "Everyone is selfish."  She has a very good point.

There were other things that unfolded that evening, very close to my ever vulnerable heart, but already tangential to my kendo practice. One thing I have decided though, I will return to practice next week, and see where that leads me, armed with my new clarity and gifted with a new shade of courage (I hope!)

Eight months ago I truly believed I will never return. There were many things I believed were hopeless eight months ago. Maybe a few more will prove me wrong.

Dinner after practice
December 2012, after the retreat
Love my long hair now

What things have turned around for you lately?

oh joyful words, balm to my heart

Way back in 2005 or 2006 I had this major crush on a work colleague. He was an artist and he was charming and sweet and funny. I was an overworked, generally unhappy, and creatively-empty head of a department. I was in a relationship on a downhill with someone else but I was too much of a coward to end it because it was just too much trouble. Besides, my artist crush was also in a relationship. Nah, too complicated and I didn't think my artist ever saw me in that light.

So that time I was so fascinated by that artist that I found myself writing little poems on the margins of my work notebook. Then I found myself contemplating the idea of a novel because it was the only way I could give free rein to the tumult of emotions that were harassing my flagellated spirit. Needless to say that artist also inspired my main character.

I started writing the novel and got as far as the first chapter. Then work took over my life again and the novel was shelved and I started to think I was not cut out for writing fiction.

It was a fantasy novel, with magic and dragons and a love story.

Two years ago I quit the job that sucked my spirit dry and it took me those two full years to heal my spirit back to health.

This year on All Hallow's week, I was visited by the ghost of an old professor, a writer, who had encouraged me to write. I found her letter as I was looking for something else, I think it was an account number or a receipt. As I read the letter I got goosebumps, and then quite teary-eyed. She had passed away years ago, you see. And to read her kind generous words at a time in my life when I am just aching for some magic to happen was just so timely.

The next day, I don't know how but a Facebook link led me to NaNoWriMo and I heard my old professor's voice repeating what she wrote. Then my mind went: You don't do fiction. You do poetry. You do essays and feature writing. You do blog posts. Never fiction. You won't be able to sustain it. You will just end up writing something so cliche and trite. And one of the loudest: You should not be wasting the month writing a novel that will most likely not be published. You should be Looking For A Job.

So I went for a walk, found myself in a bookstore, and my feet, by habit, brought me to the fantasy section. Jutting out incongruously among the young adult fantasy books was a hardbound book in black and red that first shouted "Neil Gaiman"(who wrote the foreword) to me, then followed immediately by "Diana Wynne Jones". Two of my most admired authors. It turned out to be a book by Diana entitled "Reflections On The Magic Of Writing".  I skimmed the contents and found pieces that would be helpful if I dared to write a novel.  I checked and found that it was the last copy on the shelf. I wasn't even sure if it was supposed to be there. Goosebumps again. Was it waiting for me? And here's the thing. She has also passed away so maybe she was recruited by my old professor to cheer me on.

When I got home I signed up for NaNoWriMo, read through the instructions, and waited for November.

When the time had come to start writing, I did. And everything I ever read about writing from Anne Lamott, Ann Patchett, Stephen King, Natalie Goldberg, Susan Wooldridge, and Julia Cameron came crashing back. I suddenly had these inspiring teachers looking over my shoulder urging me forward. Yes, just keep on writing. It's okay to have shitty first drafts. Listen, watch, the story will take you where you need to go.

I had decided to resurrect that old idea for a novel I had in 2005-2006, with some tweaks. Now it is a fantasy novel, with magic and dragons and three love stories on which the survival of a world depends. Something along those lines. One of the main characters was still inspired by that artist - I am still in touch with him and he is still charming and sweet and funny. Another main character was inspired by a person who continues the tradition of everyone else I have ever liked who never liked me back. Yes, now you see why I need to write. The happiness I feel when writing can easily make up for being ignored or passed over.

Last night I submitted my novel for validation, having completed a most-likely shitty first draft that exceeded the minimum requirement of 50,000 words. This morning I was confirmed a winner on my first attempt to write a novel.

I finished ahead of schedule, and I am now starting to work on the editing as well as filling in the plot holes and doing extra research for authenticity.

I had written a novel. After years of believing I never could or would.

The idea of getting it published is a nice thing but I want to edit and clean it up for myself more than anything else. I have a few friends who genuinely want to read it and I will let them. But the most important thing I learned as I was writing this novel was how much I do love writing and that I have been limiting myself by keeping away from fiction. Now I have a good list of ideas for a collection of short stories. I am also motivated to get all those poems in order and put them into a semblance of a book.

November is on its last week and I still don't have a job but I have the first draft of a novel. Instead of 50,000 cash, I have 50,000 words. Yet somehow I feel strangely very happy.

What beautiful thing has happened to you lately?

Day 1 : Draw Yourself

So here goes my first day of the 30-day drawing challenge. I first sketched with pencil then completed the drawing with oil pastels. I have a fondness for pastels because of how the colors layer on thick and bright and intense. At the same time it blends. I love the waxy feel in my hands and I love how the color spreads on the paper and layers over as the color stick itself diminishes -- visible transformation from medium to artwork!

So this is supposed to be me. It's how I look inside anyway, how my spirit looks like. The retro wild child flavor is something that has been distinct about me, with just enough dash of weird and a generous sprinkling of geek. I used to not like those aspects of myself when I was younger because I thought they made me weak and uninteresting. I even did not like wearing glasses (I have been nearsighted since high school). But now I realize that they make me what I am, and what I am is strong and creative and beautiful in ways that are beyond popular standards.

What do you see in your inner mirror?

a catch-up and then off i go

Hello! I must say that life has taken some subtle but significant turns for me these past couple of weeks. Most of it were triggered by me and my decisions to take charge of my life and to pull myself out of unhelpful default modes.

I am glad to say that I have overhauled the foundations of my life (I even took a two-day personal retreat to really ponder and plan on things) and while the house isn't finished, I know that I am standing on solid ground. I will write more about this particular journey in my next posts but for now I would like to share the peace of mind I have gained in simply making decisions and taking time to have clear strategies of executing them.

What are the decisions I have made? Many of these will sound so normal or ordinary, and some may even say ask why am I only thinking of these things now? Believe me, I have been plagued by these matters throughout my life but I have just always resorted to band-aid (short-term) solutions -- most of the time I never realized that I was just masking things and not really resolving them.

What made me make the decisions in the first place? Call it metaphysical unease. Call it life dissatisfaction. Call it fears about the future. Call it a hotpot of all plus more (maybe even throw in a scoop of midlife crisis). I found myself generally feeling like I should and could be doing more and making more happen. I also felt that I have not been operating at full potential. There were things I wanted but then I already knew they would not be enough because I used to have them before and my happinesses were often short-lived.

I found myself gravitating towards "inspirational" and "self-help" books that I would not have probably given a second glance before. I found myself re-reading books that once gave me useful directions but are now giving me new, more challenging tasks and at a deeper level. It was both a new experience and also a humbling one to learn/ re-learn the basics of everyday life. I thought I always knew what to do and most importantly I thought I always knew what I wanted. Maybe I did but I had forgotten quite early in my life, especially when society applauded me so much for being such a team player for doing what was expected and retail therapy masqueraded as my best friend.

So what decisions have I made?  I decided on what I really wanted. Without guilt. Without fears. I matched that with my desire for everlastingness -- my mark in the world, how I want to be remembered when I die. Surely I do not want a eulogy that goes something like "she was so smart she helped sell a billion packs of fruit juice."

I followed my heart in a meditative journey and we swam through the sludge of my history and past decisions. I encountered moments of epiphanies that fell by the wayside, hit and run casualties by the devil of distraction. I saw beggar dreams from my childhood hungry and ignored looking up at me expectantly. I saw the gravestones of lost opportunities, massacred by fear. I saw a wasteland choked with procrastination, discouragement, regret, distrust, anger. And fear. So much of the stuff is floating around, cloaked in so many colors and called by so many names.

But my heart knows what it wants and all I had to do was listen to it. And I must not judge it. And I must let go of my fears. I must not say "That's ridiculous, it's too difficult to do! It's not going to happen" or "Is that even possible?" or the worst of all "But what would other people say?"

So we mapped my history, rescued some dreams, cleaned up as best we could. We made note of what could still be changed and made peace with what could not. The hardest part was self-forgiveness. My heart did most of that. My mind was all sharp logic and skepticism.

Then we took out a fresh new piece of blank paper. This time, for the first time, I let my heart handle the cartography of my present and my future. So much unfamiliar territory yet also so much of what's familiar with new paths. So many tasks and challenges. So many commitments. So much faith required. And yet, I find myself starting to feel... better. So much better. And more certain. Clarity and purpose that are true to one's nature and attuned to one's heart are blessed things to have.

So that's where I am right now and what's been filling up my days on top of, beneath, and through the daily (new and improved) routines. No roller-coaster rides like the fleeting feelings of falling in love. Instead, a lively-enough pace that fills me with serenity, gratitude, and sprinkles of (rediscovered) magic.

Have a great day everyone!

a series of fortunate events

Despite the seeming imperfection of my Artist Date yesterday, it still put me in a certain mood and state of mind. As such, my meandering into unplanned activities as I try to re-anchor myself into the day-to-day somehow led me to creative ideas, and much more significantly, to creative memories.

Sometime in 2000 or 2001 I actually purchased two domain names, taught myself basic HTML, and went on to create websites just as the whole idea of blogging and having websites has not yet fully caught on mainstream. One was called "creativelife.net" which housed all my creative efforts, histories, projects, and pursuits. It never got to full launch because I got busy with work and my self-taught HTML could only take me so far. My design skills and tastes then were also immature and inexperienced. The other was called "biyahero.net" which was a travel website since I traveled a lot those days with my ex-boyfriend and he was a photographer and I loved to write so we were a perfect match in that way. The travel website was semi-launched and it actually started to gain a following. Then it got de-prioritized as I got sucked more into work and things also started going downhill with my romantic relationship.

I'm thinking now, if I had pushed through with both sites, at that perfect time, I could have achieved some online stardom by this time, maybe even getting to work or collaborate with the likes of Holly Becker!

But regrets do not take us anywhere except to serve to push us forward and do better. Remembering and rediscovering these things told me that it is not too late. This is the Year of Rebirth after all. Perhaps now is the perfect time for me to revisit and pursue these old dreams. The fact that my attention has only been called to them now means that I am ready to actually do something about it.

I actually dug through my very old files and found this opening page for the travel website:

And this is the home page for the creative website (and my brain is churning up fresh ideas to relaunch!)

I am amazed at how much of what I have written then echoes my sentiments now. I already knew by then the answers to my questions now except I did not fully recognize them. But now I am in a much better position to see things and to make better decisions (hopefully). I am also clearer on how I want my creative journey to go. I barely travel now (because of financial considerations) but who says I can't pick up where I left off? Didn't someone, or many someones, say, that if we truly intend things according to our heart's desire, the Universe conspires to make it all happen?

Have a happy, creative, and fruitful weekend to all!

last day of toil

Today is the last day of work for the current Other Business project. By tomorrow morning I will be presenting results to Client and then I could take a bit of a breather before facing what's next on my very full calendar. At the very least I will have some time to recuperate and recharge and rethink some things through.

As I worked and half-hallucinated through the past few nights I also came into a few significant realizations about where this life journey is going, or should be going. I got a lot of insights from my sister (she helped keep me awake through Yahoo messenger) and I will work on those insights after I have slept off the exhaustion of today's project. Maybe by Thursday. Those insights should further fine-tune the map I am charting for myself.

Meanwhile here are random snapshots as I spent the past few days imprisoned in my home office.

This morning's hot chocolate. A break from the endless cups of coffee I consumed through the night.

Mogget takes my seat everytime I get up to stretch and walk around the room. The Harmony App (from the Apple App Store)  reminds and forces me to take 2-3 minute breaks every hour.

Once in a while I will work on the bed for a change of scene and Mogget would join me to sleep on the documents I am working on. 

Lists help keep my sanity intact as I write and tick off every detail I need to get done each day. Sometimes it can feel like nothing is moving at all and no progress is being made. Those are the toughest times.

I re-arranged my home to change the feel of my work-space. I was starting to have negative work associations within my own home and I needed to shake it off. This time I pushed the dining table to one side and used it as a working desk instead of using my usual computer desk by the window.

When I am on extremely stressful situations like now, I also somehow gain a certain clarity on what I want and what is important to me. Some things repeat themselves because I have not resolved them. Some things are new as I evolve from previous resolutions. If I am to focus on the things that do go right in every moment, then I will focus on how the past nights have made my life goals sharper. So sharp that if I make a careless move I could cut myself quite deep.

I have watched myself do and not do things, and every small decision is a sign pointing to what I should fix about myself, and also what I should accept about my realities. Then I should pay more attention to what will move me forward in a continuous motion, and what intentions I should declare to myself every chance I can.

Following a path like mine, unhinged from the mainstream track that everyone else is moving on, is a daily challenge and also a daily reward. I just really have to be clear and to be steadfast and to remain faithful in every sense.

How do you get yourself from the start of every day through to the end and still be fully alive, fearless, and hopeful?

2012 : the Year of Rebirth

I have mentioned in a previous post that for the past four years I have picked up on themes for each new year. This new year brings with it a Year of Rebirth, a fitting follow-through to this old year's return to one's roots. After making peace with the past, our histories, and the consequences of old decisions, we are now ready to move forward and to face life with a fuller heart and a fuller spirit. More whole. A renewed self continues the journey of life.

2011 has been like a dark tunnel for me, with only the glimpses of light at its end spurring me on. Emerging, finally, from a labyrinth of trials and challenges I am like a child emerging from the womb. While I may be more vulnerable in my raw self I have also regained a sense of wonder and joy and magic. I am also now stronger in other ways, and with a clearer purpose. My life's compass has found its north and I am now somehow getting better at making new maps and charting courses for my journeys. I have given up some things in the process but I believe that what I will gain later on will be much much more.

Here are the little embryos and seedlings of 2011 that are waiting to emerge fully in 2012. While I have been doing a few of them for many years it is only in the past year that I have re-evaluated how they are contributing to my living a fulfilled and authentic life. For some, it is only in the past year that I have been able to actually do anything tangible. The old year has been both a painful and enriching experience.

more Crafting and Creative Journeys

The rediscovery of my passions has been a major event for me. While the actual process was slow and at times even excruciating, the reward of knowing where I really want to go and what I really want to do is simply priceless. The new year presents a daunting task of being true to what I love but I trust that my heart will show me every way and that the Universe always helps those who seek with the soul.

a Happier and more Inspired Home

As part of my practice of authenticity, I embrace who I am and my home now reflects myself instead of hiding and camouflaging who I am. I open myself to kindred spirits and invite love and friendships and opportunities. I surround myself with inspiration and seek to inspire others as well through example.

a more Discerning and Patient Heart

After two decades I finally learn the lesson of patience and keeping still. While I acknowledge my own strengths and powers to shape my life, I could not shape the heart of others. But by being true to myself then everything else will follow and there will be no need to yearn or to strive or to scheme. The how of fairy tales has always been in the domain of the Universe. All I have now is the faith that there is a happily ever after unfolding before me.

Knowing and Doing What Really Matters

I was supposed to do a monthly highlight in photos for 2011 but I realized that there are huge gaps in my journals and photo albums because of being enslaved by work and the need for money. I do not dismiss the necessity of money but I should never lose sight of why I gave up my easy access to it two years ago. If I calm myself down I will see that help is sent at exactly the perfect time. There is no need to waste time and energy fretting and worrying. Instead I should channel those time and energy into creating and loving. I also learned that compromising out of despair (such as accepting work for less than adequate fees just to have something) never works in the long run. It takes its toll on the heart and the spirit and derails me from my true journey.

Valuing Family and True Friends

The number of people who actually greeted me and sent me gifts this Christmas have gone down to a number that I could count with my two hands. On the other hand, I have strengthened and deepened the bonds of the few and precious that have actually remained. Going back to my family roots and reviving my relationships with my cousins, aunts, and especially my grandmother have added substance to the core of my self -- particularly because they make up the ancestral tree of my creativity.

more Earth-Conscious Living

I read a story somewhere about a man who would walk down the beach at low tide and he would pick up stranded starfish and throw them back to the sea to save them. Another man told him that there are too many and he would not be able to save all and it would not make a difference. The man who was saving the starfish picked one up and threw it to the water and said "Well, it sure made a difference to that one."

That's how I want to look at my own little efforts to live an earth-friendly lifestyle. Every little thing counts. It will all count.

more Meaningful Travels

What I now lack in travel budget I make up for in meaning and memories. Instead of coming home with a bag full of shopping that I mostly bought on impulse, I now come home with a camera full of photos capturing every mundane moment turned magical.

a Stronger Spirit (and body!), a Braver Heart

The greatest challenge of my life so far and I am amazed that I have not given up on kendo. I will be taking the exam on February and it is something that I both want and don't want. It terrifies me. I hate it. It reveals me in all my weaknesses including the worst of it, my physical weakness. It crushes me in ways that nothing else can. But I know that on my death bed I will be regretting it if I gave up. So I will not give up. (God help me.) 

a Daily Life of Simple Joys, and Contentment without Compromise

Calmness, simplicity, honesty. No unnecessary indulgences but no deprivations. Taking care of myself as much as I take care of others. No more guilt. No more self-recrimination. No need to acquire possessions to masquerade as accomplishments. I will create what I need and what I want. As much as it is in my power. I will dispose of what I don't need and what I don't want. I will keep only what is essential, what keeps me true. The rest I leave in the hands of the Universe. 

Happy new year everyone!

getting back on track

I've been thrown off-track for a few days. Long story. But today I have slowly re-started normal life again.

Early morning trip to the market to get some fabrics and more sewing materials. Also finally got a crafting table instead of having to work on the floor or on the dining table.

On the way back home we passed a parade in waiting.

as the year counts down to an end

I have to keep seeing the good so that all that is good is what will prevail. Never mind the worries that gnaw at untended corners of my mind (and the difficult-to-answer questions that nibble at my heart). The worries will always be there. The questions will always demand more answers. What is important is that I don't let them overtake and overwhelm me.

My very own hands are rediscovering their power in many many ways. My artist's spirit is stirring, shy still from having been pushed away and hidden like a stolen secret. Lately, the chains of definition that have weighed me down for almost two decades are finally crumbling into rust. I will define myself and I will be true.

My needs and wants have narrowed down to pinpoints of purpose, like constellations that map my journeys. Before, I simply wanted the whole sky, all its vastness and all its depth, because I was afraid that I would not be enough or have enough of anything.

My mind is finding new paths of thought. Recognizing solutions where there were none before. Unraveling stories that were previously just blank pages.

As for love, my heart, the tenderness within my warrior stance, the fairy tale that has been beaten and battered and bruised --- this one I have delegated to fairy godmothers and patron saints and angels.

thoughts after the first shop day

Yesterday was the first bazaar day which we held in our parents' garage. I had my own reservations and doubts as to the level of success we could achieve that day but I was pretty sure about what we wanted to accomplish. We wanted to see if we have something to work on in terms of a theme and an idea, and if the customers (the ones we hoped to attract) will pick up on it, and we also wanted to learn how else we can fine-tune everything. While we didn't make much in terms of actual sales, our first day taught us tons of good lessons (as well as confirmed or resolved some thoughts we were not sure about) and we were actually pleased and happy as we closed shop by the end of the day.

Tending shop is hard work - occasional refreshments are needed.

My family has been doing regular garage sales since I left my job more than a year ago to help augment the monthly income. Those garage sales were rough, functional, turn-things-into-cash kind of setups. It attracted its own kind of customers. We knew that the same customers will be the first to take a peek at the bazaar and we still had some items for them but we knew that generally they would most likely be disappointed. But we wanted to evolve beyond just a garage sale. We want a theme. We want creativity. We want to be more than just an occasional seller of cheap used goods. We want to bring life into what used to be a purely functional activity. We want a story. When that story is complete I will write about it in better detail but for now we are basically testing the waters.

Interestingly, even with the bright low prices, the garage sale customers (mostly female) were hesitant to explore. Even more interesting, we had more male customers drawn in compared to previous garage sales.

After the initial volume of garage sale customers (who mostly didn't buy anything and judged the whole bazaar with a few sweeping scans from the gate), everything slowed down to a trickle. However there were two or three customers closer to the type we wanted to attract. One bought lots of dresses without fussing and haggling. The other two browsed all the interesting items and conversed and openly admired the redesigned bags (finally someone noticed!). These two expressed intentions of dropping by again on Sunday.

Then it rained during lunch break just as we were hoping for the employees in the surrounding streets to drop by after their lunch. The rain didn't let up until 2PM. A lot of people passed by but they were huddled inside their umbrellas and walking too fast and not even looking anywhere else but ahead.

We had to move some items  out of the rain which messed up our display arrangements a bit. But people were not really looking so I guess it didn't really matter.

After raining for the whole of the lunch break period, the sun came out. The street was empty and quiet, as empty and quiet as our bazaar, which actually made us want to take a nap and eat merienda.

Rice cakes for merienda. Delicious and filling at only Php5 per piece.

And this is how I passed the time especially since we had a lot of it in our hands. The last time I did crochet was in high school. Was happy to find out it's like riding a bike, you never forget (although I have never actually ridden a bike).

My sister passed the time by sewing pretty things on my plain brown shoes. Customers who dropped in asked about the shoes if they were for sale. Even the males!

We closed shop at 6PM with barely enough to cover the transportation expenses we spent the past couple of weeks just putting the whole thing together.

Normally I would be saddened and discouraged by a day like this. but for some reason I remained optimistic and even excited by all the things that I learned and realized as I observed the customers and the shop dynamics. I scribbled ideas in a notepad, things to consider for the other days of the bazaar (December 4, 16 and 19).

I am also still inspired by the original idea from which this whole bazaar thing sprung from (something I will write about more when it is more a reality than just an idea). As thoughts popped in my head as I made my observations, it also became clearer to me what matters and what is really important. All those years of brand work and strategic sessions and consumer insight projects are probably finally becoming even more real to me. Not only that, I am also discovering interesting new twists and perspective in the usual marketing mix.

Today I am recovering from the exhaustion of the past week and recharging myself for another shop day on Sunday. I am eager to try out a few new things.

One last thing before I sign off on this post: the last couple of weeks of work I did preparing, creating, problem-solving, doing lots of legwork, physical setting up, designing, learning, and everything else has been comparable to a nationwide in-depth consumer research project topped off with a few more layers of midnight work marathons. But I felt infinitely happier and more satisfied at the end of each day, especially as my hands touch each hand-sewn flower or lace trimming, or as I wash my hands gray from sifting through thrift items. My hands, bone-tired and crusty with glue or cramped from so much writing or criss-crossed with thread cuts or mapped with needle punctures. Everything feels real. Yet everything also feels rooted in that realm of soul where I could not enter before. This is no longer just about mental prowess or intelligence or those stuff that fill up an annual evaluation form. This is about heart. This is about spirit. I will be dramatic and say I believe my life's purpose is peeking around the next corner. I hope and pray that I am able to stay on this path even as I have to fulfill financial responsibilities and obligations. Dear Universe, I request for aid and thank you for everything.

butterflies, roses and feathers

I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday and last night. I caught a glimpse of the light at the end of this very long tunnel. This morning when I did my morning pages and morning sketches, I also prayed. I asked for guidance, signs, messages. But being quite occasionally dense I asked that I be given signs through butterflies, roses, and feathers. I promised to pay attention and to listen and to do everything on my part. I want to keep moving forward, to totally pull myself out of this slow quicksand of delays and distractions.

Already I am beginning to feel better. Less heavy. Less burdened. There are many thing going on in my life right now that require patience and love. I didn't realize I had grown hunchbacked trying to carry it all.  Now I know. And I also know that there are other many other ways to keep myself walking forward.

survived a work day

After the long holiday I felt the weight of work descend upon me. I did my accounting updates to be sent to my accountant for a more proper recording. I had bank errands done and was able to avert a potential disaster when the bank immediately credited a check so now I have money for tomorrow's research session.

I prepared all the equipment, charged the cameras, reviewed data, confirmed schedules. I even prepared throat-soothing candies because I will be doing interviews all day.

The whole day I have been in a bit of a daze since I hardly slept last night - my sister slept over because I needed some girl talk about certain stuff and while she helped me process some things we didn't get to sleep.

Mostly we talked about the idea of settling and the idea of how far can one go in pursuing a fairy tale story or a dream. We also talked about the excuses we make for ourselves and it made me think of how we grow less brave as we grow older. Also how we get tired and impatient so easily. Been there, done that. Comfort zones versus stretching the boundaries of our spirit.

Would you go for cozy and nice and safe? Or would you risk a leap into the void?

a few questions

If so many things have been causing you too many delays, what do you make of it? How do you deal with the frustration and exhaustion? Just how many deep breaths can you do before you just yell your heart out?

Just curious.

*takes deep breath*

self talk

I was feeling a wee bit down as the day went by and by mid afternoon I was wondering what was wrong. I thought of a lot of things that could use some improvement but in general, I really have no solid valid reason to behave like my world has shattered irreparably.

So I stopped working and sat quietly in my parents' backyard, feeling the sun and the wind on my skin and hearing the regular neighborhood sounds.

Then I started talking to myself (in my head, because I didn't want to scare my mom. and I wrote it down afterwards):

Fix what you can. Finish what you can. Tomorrow will take care of itself. For today, do what you can at each moment. Whatever is within your power. For everything else that is not within your power, the power will be given to you when it is the perfect time. Never underestimate the perfect timing of the universe.


Learn what you can. Accept all the lessons.


Weigh everything and know the worth of everything.


Do not waste time. Make each minute, each second, count. Do not leave room for regret.


Believe that every thing you do today, provided that it is according to the calling of your heart and your spirit, will build towards the life that you dream of.


Better yet, start believing that the life you dream of is here now. That you are living it. There is no waiting. You can choose to be happy now. You can live happily ever after now.


What is it exactly that you are looking forward to? Everything is here now. There is only today.


Count your blessings. Be grateful.

"let your vision of success evolve"

The above is what I opened into in Joseph Cardillo's book, Bow To Life: 365 Secrets From The Martial Arts For Daily Life. My sister and I both have the book and read a passage a day. We are hoping it will help us in both our kendo practice and also how what we learn from kendo can translate in our day-to-day.

My sister reads the passages in chronological order. I am more of the random page opener.

Here are some key thoughts that struck me: that discovering the self and living to our full potential is a never-ending journey. We flow through stages and levels, but as this happens, our desires also shift to bigger goals. For example, from just wanting to set up a business, to making that business flourish, to being considered an expert in that business.

Our measures or ideas of success change through time. Our job is to keep on creating, to always be aware of where we are at any point and be conscious of taking ourselves to the next level. Of course this is not meant in an ambitious, obsessive kind of way but in a way that develops us as whole people, not just as career persons, or as artists, or as parents for instance. In every stage we see where we can grow and we expand that way, most often following where our heart leads us. This is not just about the rational mainstream leveling up that we see often portrayed in movies or even in the values inculcated in us since childhood - getting promoted, progressing from singlehood to marriage, having kids in a year or two after the wedding, etc. Practicality is part of it but also is spirituality. How we grow inside not just outside is an integral part of our own success.

I think about where I am now and how some people may view my career situation as a step back. That is their definition. That is probably their measure of success. But from my own perspective, I have achieved something important - breaking out of my comfort zones and paying attention to the other aspects of me that have been neglected through the years and listening to the calling of previously dormant passions.

In my kendo practice I realize that how other people measure success in the dojo does not have to be the same as mine. I will define my practice and if it teaches me patience and perseverance and discipline then I will think myself a success even if I don't get praised or singled out or given special care and attention. Even if I am told in so many subtle and un-subtle ways that I am not "catching up" or "doing as well as". This is not an easy thing to do because we have been brought up in a context of competition and measuring ourselves against what people say and think. But slowly I am managing to just see what is essential to me in my practice and everything else will just be a backdrop to what is important for me to achieve.

a spirit award

It was the midyear big competition at the dojo. I lost on the first round but fought bravely and even scored the first point against my opponent. But he scored two points after so I lost. However, during the award ceremony I was given the Fighting Spirit Award which made me really happy. Suddenly I am not as invisible as I thought.