a free friday and conversations about love

I made yesterday a free day. What with the Hong Kong trip and then the work that had to be done the very moment I got back, I was exhausted and drained towards the end of the week. In a twist of luck, Friday's fieldwork was postponed and rescheduled, so I decided I should give myself a break. In another serendipitous stroke, my best guy friend texted and wanted to meet up so at high noon I was outside his office building to meet up with him.

the street of the office where I used to work. everytime i visit i try to see if i miss that life. i miss my friends, and the lunches, and the coffee hours. i sometimes miss the dressing up. 

This best guy friend of mine is pretty cool. I'd recommend him to any girl looking for a serious decent guy. He's got his head and his heart in the right places. He's still got enough of the good old-fashioned values that make life have that extra depth and steadiness while at the same time he can rock it with the volatile younger set -- basically getting to savor the best of many worlds.  He's also a romantic - a rare breed.

my matcha green tea latte, delicious and bitter, like love sometimes

Over salmon and beef tongue, and afterwards over tea lattes, we caught up on each other's stories and as always happens, we consulted each other on the state of our love lives.  He always gives me sound advice, and that very valuable male perspective. He certainly gave me that much needed pull to keep my feet on the ground regarding my current dilemma. In return, I give him my thoughts and perspectives the state of modern relationships in general as he puzzled over what women really wanted. We both graduated from a university where every student has an automatic minor in philosophy so you can imagine how we have grown to love to dissect and analyze and theorize.

In our circle of friends there is a bunch of us who have not yet settled into marriage, much less into a long-term relationship. In the case of my friend and I, we always kept on finding ourselves back to square one, looking for The One. We say we are open and ready. Yet somehow nothing's leading anywhere. We both have people we are interested in but we can't somehow break through. The other single people all claim to be wanting to be in a relationship but no one is really making a move. And then there are those who just seem to not care at all whether they are in a relationship or not. We seem to have become dead ends and brick walls to each other. If the human species depended on us for survival... well, you get the picture.

I asked if it was because guys don't take risks anymore, or if girls have become too self-sufficient. We are all at that stage where we are stable and able and have enjoyed enough of life to move on to the next level. What are we waiting for? My friend asked, are we that tentative?

Are we perhaps too stuck in in our single comfort zones? That maybe it's too much effort to make that shift? I love my little studio. Have I actually thought about eventually sharing it with someone? Or even giving it up for a new home with another person?

And as self-sufficiency goes, it could be that our need for an Other has become less urgent. We can give ourselves what we want. We can make enough money. And sex? It has become available enough without the fuss of commitment. We give away our kisses and hugs so casually nowadays. Even the desire for children has become less urgent. Women who want to be mothers first seem to be slowly becoming exceptions than the rule. We all want to be something else first.

My friend said that maybe the shift required of getting into a relationship especially for those in their 30s is too much reworking of habits and priorities. I said, that is possible, the add-on to one's life has to be significant enough to push anyone, especially the jaded/bitten/burned ones, to make another shift in their life, to be willing to ride that roller coaster again.

I said we need something that will move us strongly enough. We need to bring back romance. Where is the love, so to speak. My friend said we need to get "smitten" back and I think he may have a point. I also realize that nowadays, we actually get embarrassed to be "smitten", or "in love", or "crazy" about someone. It's like it's a weakness or a vulnerability, something to be hidden or tamed. No one wants to be a fool over love anymore. It all only happens in the movies now.

I said we have also grown too fond of playing it safe. There are too many options and venues for a guy to test the waters with a girl without actually putting oneself out. We have lost many of the old traditions and values of courtship. Do guys even ask girls for formal dates anymore?  Or do we all just wait for things to "fall into place (conveniently) and see how it goes"?

So there. That was probably an unusual post from me but I just had to write it and share it. Maybe it's also because I am falling in love (early stages, very dizzying).

But true to the spirit of this blog, inspiration and optimism are the key. I have a friend who is getting married in May and she was once our ultimate single girl -- but she got found. And now I recall all the other fairy-tale-love-stories of people I actually know.

We will all be found.