my love-hate with photography

My only camera right now is my iPhone 3GS.

But lately I am wanting a Canon DSLR. For many reasons. I am also wanting a Fuji Instax.

I actually like photography. Maybe I even love it a little. But it has become such a "cool" thing to do that I did not want to be associated as a wannabe enthusiast. With the advent of digital photography and the internet, almost every other person I know calls himself or herself a photographer, although very few can actually shoot decently.

When I was a child I remember being one of the last few kids whose family had a camera. And while everyone had a camera that shot 36mm film, we had the cheaper one that shot the 110 film.

When I was in my junior year in college I had the option to take a photography class and I was excited and I signed up for it. Then I received the list of requirements - including an SLR camera and other paraphernalia that I couldn't afford because I was only even in college because of a scholarship. To my disappointment I had to apply for a load revision to change my photography subject to something else. I can't remember what replaced it. I think it was another writing class.

My ex-boyfriend is a photographer and maybe that is one more thing that adds another shade of reluctance to embrace it.

I have always felt that photography didn't want me. When I tried self-studying I could not make heads nor tails of f-stops and shutter speeds and apertures.

It didn't help that I also know people who just took to photography like fish to water.

Camera shops intimidated me because shop personnel almost always assumed you knew something already and they get a look on their face and a tone in their voice when they realized I know less than something.

It often feels like everyone else knows something about photography that I somehow missed out on.

Photography is not my main passion but I would love to get to know it better. I do want it to be one of the things I can do well. I want it to be my ally. I want to not by shy or embarrassed when I carry a camera in my hand in public. I want to be able to ignore the knowing looks ("oh, another one of those") when I take my shots.

I want to surround myself with beautiful photos I have taken instead of constantly borrowing from others. I want to stop just looking. I want to capture. I want to take.

I want to tell stories instead of just taking photos for posterity.

I want to learn now. I am ready.